Okay, I am not your biggest sports fan, I will admit that. But if I could have any career right now (within reason – the job of Princess is generally open to people who are related to the Queen; talk about nepotism), I think I would be an NFL offical. And not just any official, the instant replay official.
Okay, I know what you are thinking – the uniforms are cute, but a blond would look better in that uniform. Well, to that, I say that NFL officials make some serious money, and I would dye my hair for that kind of dough.
Competency. Sure, rain on my parade. I don't know a lot about football. But I am talking "Replay Official." Two weekends ago, the replay official botched 7 calls. Please don't check the facts on this – trust me, after all I own a whistle and a black cap. And I will throw a flag for Interference of you disagree – and may even throw your butt out of the game. See, an official's mentality. But seriously, were I an official, I would have a portable radio that gets the TV spectrum as well. Then I would listen to the game, and just make the call that the announcers say is so obvious. They would be my unpaid and unrecognized analysts. I would not have to know rules, just choose between a couple of choices.
Sexual Discrimination. I don't think that the pros have a female official. And I don't think it has anything to do with competence – I think the NFL would think the official would be tempted to pose in Playboy and embarrass the league. That is the real issue. I would tell the NFL commissioner that I don't plan on doing that at all – I would not want to jeopardize my six figure per year salary for a one time check.
Well, that is all the hurdles I can think of, partly because I just want the job so badly.
And now the arguments to "seal the deal." The NFL doesn't care how the games are officiated – they just don't want to be embarrassed. And if I am listening to the commentary, they tell you which of the two possible outcomes is considered a bonehead outcome. I just have to choose the outcome that is not bonehead. I can do that. If all of the replay calls were handled by popular opinion, I am sure the NLF commissioner would be happier.
Plus, all I would need is to be physically presentable – and have facial expressions that show I am weighing all of the options. I can easily disguise the earpiece; it will look like I am in constant communication with the head official.
And I could care less who wins any of the games. My favorite team is only my favorite because of the state in which I live. I am not a die-hard anything fan. The only prep-work I would need is a chart, showing me which team wore which jerseys. And I would not really even know that, as the officials don't get to talk with the press after the game. I just have to repeat what I hear in my ear.
So if you hear about any openings, please let me know. I already have my whistle.
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