Okay, I am not your biggest sports fan, I will admit that. But if I could have any career right now (within reason – the job of Princess is generally open to people who are related to the Queen; talk about nepotism), I think I would be an NFL offical. And not just any official, the instant replay official.
Okay, I know what you are thinking – the uniforms are cute, but a blond would look better in that uniform. Well, to that, I say that NFL officials make some serious money, and I would dye my hair for that kind of dough.
The hurdles:
Competency. Sure, rain on my parade. I don't know a lot about football. But I am talking "Replay Official." Two weekends ago, the replay official botched 7 calls. Please don't check the facts on this – trust me, after all I own a whistle and a black cap. And I will throw a flag for Interference of you disagree – and may even throw your butt out of the game. See, an official's mentality. But seriously, were I an official, I would have a portable radio that gets the TV spectrum as well. Then I would listen to the game, and just make the call that the announcers say is so obvious. They would be my unpaid and unrecognized analysts. I would not have to know rules, just choose between a couple of choices.
Sexual Discrimination. I don't think that the pros have a female official. And I don't think it has anything to do with competence – I think the NFL would think the official would be tempted to pose in Playboy and embarrass the league. That is the real issue. I would tell the NFL commissioner that I don't plan on doing that at all – I would not want to jeopardize my six figure per year salary for a one time check.
Well, that is all the hurdles I can think of, partly because I just want the job so badly.
And now the arguments to "seal the deal." The NFL doesn't care how the games are officiated – they just don't want to be embarrassed. And if I am listening to the commentary, they tell you which of the two possible outcomes is considered a bonehead outcome. I just have to choose the outcome that is not bonehead. I can do that. If all of the replay calls were handled by popular opinion, I am sure the NLF commissioner would be happier.
Plus, all I would need is to be physically presentable – and have facial expressions that show I am weighing all of the options. I can easily disguise the earpiece; it will look like I am in constant communication with the head official.
And I could care less who wins any of the games. My favorite team is only my favorite because of the state in which I live. I am not a die-hard anything fan. The only prep-work I would need is a chart, showing me which team wore which jerseys. And I would not really even know that, as the officials don't get to talk with the press after the game. I just have to repeat what I hear in my ear.
So if you hear about any openings, please let me know. I already have my whistle.
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
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3. My Stories. Yeah, I have a few erotic stories here. I know, they are not all that good, but they were fun to write. Don't read them if this offends you (and they represent less than 1% of the content here). These stories have elements of truth and fantasy, some more true than others. Complain about something that is a bit more substantive if you must complain. I have lots of faults.
19 comments:
You get my vote. You may want to practice up on the hand signals just in case. I better cut this comment short and start my e-mail to the NFL. Does this mean you'll be moving to Atlanta to officiate here?
I've forwarded a link to your blog to NFL headquarters. You should be hearing from them shortly - assuming they don't get distracted reading the rest of the blog.
On second thought, the rest of your blog should be enough to seal the deal, as you put it.
I'd let you ofrficiate any game I was involved in...does that count?
damn....minus the 'r' in officiate of course.....I've been butchering the english language lately with this new keyboard...lol
robb: If I moved to Atlanta, I would have to work on a number of additional hand and finger signals. People who live in Atlanta can't drive.
joe: Thanks for the head's up. I think I will post about all of my football knowledge tomorrow. Should be a short post.
shannon: I actually don't look all that good with white so close to my face. Speaking of hot, you have taken some really nice pictures lately. I love your cap! And think of all the cute hineys I will get to watch.
mike: a little tongue-tied? Did you get one of those funny keyboards that are supposed to be good on the wrists?
Isn't football where they hit homeruns? I would definitey start watching football if I saw you in one of those tight uniforms! ;)
Did my part. It sucks..but it's there.
Oh and I have one of those keyboards, (ergonomic) My typing accuracy and speed went up by several when I got one. from 128 or so to like 140 almost. When typin' from my head on one I can blaze out somethin' stupid in terms of speed. But that comes from text rp *nods sagely*
~deb: I think they hit homeruns in the back seat of my ex-boyfriend's Ford Mustang. Yeah, you would want me to do a Lisa and be braless.
GND: I did not know that ref was on the field. I thought he was in a press box.
prata: Darn, you type 140 WPM. I think I did 70 in HS.
In highschool I played flute, so my hand-eye coordination was already pretty good. In high school I started off doing 70 and only went up from there.
I got considerably slower when I broke my hand in kung fu.
I just wanted to let you know that Deb is picking on me today.
all: prata has updated Just Walking! Yahoo!
mike: so Ms. Deb is teasing you. I wish a hot lesbian would tease me. Just kidding! I went to her blog and ... didn't help very much.
lol...I saw that...apparently I didn't evoke much sympathy huh?
mike ~ such a tattle tail!! lol, poor baby!!
Leesa ~ you'd be watching all the tight rear ends close up, I know exactly what it is you'd be doing. :) Probably because it's what I'd be doing too.
Just to clarify, Leesa...the replay official is in the booth; and you don't have to wear a referee's uniform, either.
mike: I said something creative on ~deb's blog, and she totally ignored my comment. She was too busy defending herself from someone trying to burn her at the stake. All in the name of Christianity.
matt: yeah, and the NFL reporters aren't even allowed to go in locker rooms. What is up with that?
kathi: You busted me. Not only do I want the $80K or whatever they make, but I would be making that while watching 22 rear ends on the field. Well, we may want to exclude linemen.
bruce: no cute black and white official's uniform? Thanks for the clarification - I thought it was a booth job.
Leesa: You asked a question that has yet to appear as a comment to my recent blog posting.
The answer is both yes and no. The story is loosely based on fact. Yet very loosely.
I much admire the writing on your other blogs.
It constantly amazes me how hard "they" make it to read the word verification. Maybe they assume the spammers can't read... problem is, most of the rest of us can't read that stuff either.
BTW, here we go again... squinting...
Just wanted to say hello. I found your blog reading Malloy's blog.
Hello! Nice idea, but will this really work?
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