Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Knocking Me on My Ass

I have been given a little bit of feedback lately, and it reminds me that not all of my readers have read every post I have written – and I don't expect people to do that, either. Heck, I don't even do that (most posts I don't even edit), and I wrote the posts. Come to think of it, I probably read about 1/10th of my posts. Only when I am particularly proud of the post.

Girl Next Door, asked Thursday night/Friday morning about one of my statement, "when I was still a slut." And what did that mean.

For those who don't know, I am a married woman. I was married not too young (mid twenties), and me and hubbie started life on our own. We were sort of a fairy-tale couple, actually. Things just fit into place, we hardly argued (but the arguments were heated when they occurred, followed by the most wonderful, sloppy, make-up sex one can imagine). We had our share of problems – some financial problems, infertility problems, just our share of life's problems. Not too much to bitch about, really.

And then, my eyes strayed. Then my hands and lips, and then, well, you get the idea. And it wasn't because I did not love my hubbie; we just stopped working at our marriage. We were spent with some issues, especially the infertility issues. Hubbie started spending more time at work, and I spent more time fucking friends, strangers, and fellow church-members (well, the guys did not belong to my church). And, by the way, some Bible-thumpers are the kinkiest people I have ever knocked ankles with.

A reader who I will call "Coyote," remarked "even mistakes can have value." Screwing all of these guys, did indeed, have value. Our marriage was not perfect; it was failing, and I did not even know it. I didn't even know it when I was "having lunch" with all of these guys. And they were almost always married – because that made them safer.

I am, and I always have been, a religious person. I had to go to Church growing up, so I would think about the homilies, I would read the Bible when bored, whatever. And I would wonder about the rules, what God really wanted from me, and in some cases, even if God was real.

If I had one flaw (okay, I have twenty-three thousand flaws, but if you were thinking that, just back off and write in your own blog), it was that I was not very compassionate about sinners. "Rot in Hell, for all I care," was not something I would have said aloud (against the teachings of my Church), but something I felt within my bones. I could not understand the power of redemption (for Prata, redemption is "the act of delivering from sin or saving from evil", Princeton dictionary definition).

I did not understand redemption until I began forgiving myself – long after the husband I sometimes don't deserve forgave my sorry butt. Okay, I don't really think I don't deserve him, but he definitely didn't deserve getting to have to deal with all of my crap (the infidelity unlocked some secret doors, darned psyche).

Please don't get me wrong, I am not saying, "I am saved." Just that I have sinned in a huge way and through this sinning, I now am more compassionate with those who have also sinned. Personally, God, you could have knocked me on my ass (or off my horse) with a startling vision. That would have, in the long run, been less painful.

37 comments:

Sassy said...

Leesa, what a wonderful post. More and more I'd like to meet you for coffee.

Joe said...

Thanks for the insightful post (as always). It is amazing how we sometimes have to experience things ourselves to really learn from them. Yes, it can be painful at times, but painful lessons seem to be more lasting and effective.

Grant said...

I forgive myself for all the evil I have committed, and all the evil I will commit, probably starting around 6:30 PM (after I've had time to go to the gym).

You know, that whole redemption thing is easy if you don't have a conscience. >:-)

Video X said...

hmmmmm...i guess if i think i read something...and it's obvious i've missed something...or the post is referring to something in the past...i just go look thru the archives til i figure it out. although i guess when i'm lazy or dont feel like it i just ask. but i dont think that's often.

then again...everytime you write about this, i pick something else up from it...so it's still very enjoyable to read.

Leesa said...

sassy: thanks, sweetie. And I would order hot tea!

joe: You said, "It is amazing how we sometimes have to experience things ourselves to really learn from them." I would have never thought this was true in my early 20s, and now, embarrassingly, I know it is true for me. At least I learned about a hot stove without getting burnt!

grant: that's why I keep power tools out of reach when you are around.

vx: I understand about being lazy. In a blog entitled "Drying Out", I might ask, "So, do you have a drinking problem?" Now, after reading ~deb's recent post on the subject, I might say instead, "So do you like to drink?"

Shannon said...

Leesa~ I use to be the same way.. I would judge others for their mistakes, especially drinking and adultery. I am a church goer.. or I was until recently (gotta start going back).. but I have learned that the only person that can judge anyone is the man upstaires.. I have no right..

I have sinned.. so I hope for forgiviness.. from myself and from "The big guy"... "If you don't learn from your history, you are doomed to repeat it".. I am learning.. slowly.. lol

You should do classes on this subject, you're very good at advice and at admitting your own faults.. I am sure you have helped more people then you know.

Great Post! =)

Sheen V said...

Making mistakes is one of the harder ways to learn something, and its something we all have to experience. And I've had plenty.

Bec said...

I am in Germany studying, I am from Australia and head back in a few months.

Thanks for visiting my blog, despite me being a lazy editor of my own blog.

One thing about forgiveness, sometimes I think that forgiving yourself is harder then forgiving people. Some people may disagree...I don't know, I can only go by what I feel.

Prata said...

Thanks Leesa for pointing out that little definition of redemption. ^_^

So umm...yeah I have somethin' to say but I can't think of what it is off the top of my head. Oh oh, I know what it is. It's not directed at you though!

@Shannon

Did you forget that being a human requires that you judge all things? That is the basis for human existence. Only man has the ability to judge man in any capacity. That is how man works. That deity from the 'good book', seems to have been quite the judgmental character based wholly upon human qualities not the quality of one's spirit. why I say that, god judged based upon acts. But I'm fairly certain that christians say good acts will not get you to heaven, only the acceptance of the deity. That seems a little odd now doesn't it? After all, the deity killed.

Now, just to sum up real quick. Judgment is simply the human decision to decide if another fits within their moral or ethical or (insert value system here) construct. And I'm thinking that since it is an innate ability that is part of the human condition (as in you can not remove it) then your deity must _want_ you to judge. No?

Shannon said...

Prata~ Yes you are right.. it is human nature to judge, but I choose not to if I can help it. Thanks for the comment!! =)

Prata said...

@shannon
I can dig it. Thanks for not bein' offended. ^_^

Leesa said...

shannon: I see judgment differently now. Let's say, for sake of argument, Grant slays a boy scout troop with a chain saw when he is in the woods. Then he says he is sorry – there is an investigation, he is found innocent because of insanity (or that he was getting out of buying bad popcorn, I can't remember which). Then he goes out to the woods again and slays a bunch of girl scouts. One might judge him because it seems he has not learned his lesson, but Grant might argue that their cookies are just too expensive, and he "lost his head." Okay, bad example.

Seriously, I enjoyed your comments today.

sheen v: but once you learn, it is hard to forget.

vec: gruess Gott!

prata: from now on, when I think of definitions, I think of you.

shannon: me, too.

Byron said...

You did hurt people and yourself and you have learned from the process..Forgive yourself girl and never look back...U got punished when you realised how much pain you spread and now just relax and enjoy the best gift of all the LOVE u share with your husband

XXX

~Deb said...

Your conscious is a gift from God. You definitely have it. No one is perfect. The most important thing you can possibly do is forgive yourself. Your husband was able to, right? And God was able to. There’s nothing that can separate the love that God has for you. You’re a beautiful person that gives a positive message. We’re all unique and different in our own ways. Everyone falls short. But don’t ever feel that you’re less than perfect in God’s eyes---because to Him----you’re perfection---He made you.

Here's a good example of 'human nature' that's written in the book of Romans...

Romans 7:14-25

“The law is good, then. The trouble is not with the law but with me, because I am sold into slavery, with sin as my master. I don’t understand myself at all, for I really want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do the very thing I hate. I know perfectly well that what I am doing is wrong, and my bad conscience shows that I agree that the law is good. But I can’t help myself, because it is sin inside me that makes me do these evil things. I know I am rotten through and through so far as my old sinful nature is concerned. No matter which way I turn, I can’t make myself do right. I want to, but I can’t. When I want to do good, I don’t. And when I try not to do wrong, I do it anyway. But if I am doing what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing it; the sin within me is doing it. It seems to be a fact of life that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God’s law with all my heart. But there is another law at work within me that is at war with my mind. This law wins the fight and makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is; In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin.”

God forgives all--because we are all inadequate and need God in order to survive. God knows I'm NOT perfect, but I know He's working within me, just like He is with you.

~Deb said...

And---please don't take that passage in a negative way----it just states that we all have "conflict" within ourselves. ALL of us.

shhhh said...

I hung on every word. That was eloqently written and so far so good in my marriage, but reading posts like yours certainly help me keep the right focus on being an honest husband.

Thanks for sharing.

Edge said...

If I hadn't learned from my mistakes I wouldn't know much of anything.

Thanks for the invite, I will definitely check the site out.

Girl Next Door said...

Thanks for that clarificaton! I truly appreciate your honesty on this subject. The best marriage book I ever read was "His Needs Her Needs". Usually the straying spouse isn't getting something from the non-straying spouse. It doesn't matter here. But it reminds me of that.

I'm glad you got back on track, and isn't it funny how we think religious people don't have funny quirks, obviously the kinks go to church too!

As far as the ass knocking ... (great choice of words! ) I would not trade the trouble I have cause or been through. Odd as that sounds, it has gotten me where I am and made me who I am.

Thanks again! You are awesome!

GNDTX

KyuBall said...

You know...I think reading your blog is like therapy for me. Not because I've ever cheated on my wife, but because I've been cheated on...not by my wife (as far as I know), but by an ex.

I've never been able to forgive her. It's a bit more complicated, emotionally, then what I could write here...but, she fucked me up pretty bad and I have never really gotten over that. I moved on, but the sting of what happened is still there in some ways.

Reading your blog gives me a different point of view. Granted, your situation and hers are completely different...but still, I think that your blog is helpig me with the healing process that I never got a chance to have.

Prata said...

So let me get my head around this real quick. I'm a little confzzled, comd someone maybe help me out here? Deb...Leesa anyone?

The deity is perfect. We are perfect because it made us. We do what apparently all christians believe is wrong because of an innate sin embedded within us. Sin is the opposite of right. Perfection can not be wrong, perfection is a state of being. Derived from Perfect: pure, undiluted; unmixed. Excellent. Without defect. (American Heritage).

Humans are conflicted; ergo, imperfect. Made in the image of the deity. Who is perfect. If god is perfect, and we are flawed; god must be flawed. Because perfection can not spawn imperfection correct? Unless, being flawed was part of the design. Then we were not made in the image of the deity, we then must be something else. No?

Prata said...

Forgive typographical errros. Remotely connected, large downloads.

SuperSpyGal said...

For you to be able to tell your story so openly means the shame is gone, and you've forgiven yourself, maybe not completely, but for the most part you seem at peace....

I think we ALL, in one way or another, judge people...not out of ignorance, but out of a lack of understanding or experience....I cannot comment on what I know nothing of, but I will think certain things in my mind based solely on how I perceive it......I try my hardest not to judge people, but I know I do....that comes from being human..however, I would never impose my views or feelings on anyone else..I'm far from perfect and by me pointing out other peoples' imperfections makes me a hypocrit....
We all have our own destiny..Life is the journey traveled, not necessarily the road we took to get there..basically, we all end up in the same place ...we all learn valuable lessons each day and take them with us further down the road..sometimes we speed down that road flipping people off in the process, other times we slow down to enjoy and appreciate the view...I hope you're enjoying and appreciating the view !!

Leesa said...

byron: thanks for the affirmation.

~deb: thanks, and not taken the wrong way.

shhhh: wow, I did not know I had any affect. Wow.

edge: please check out "Just Walking" (that was what the invite was for). I still can't remember the name. Still Standing, Still Walking. If my head were not attached . . . .

GND: I was trying to be clever, related to the Paul/Saul enlightenment (though in the Bible, I am not sure if ass was used; the Bible probably used buttocks).

prata: I know, your typos show your humanness. I am no Bible scholar, but I believe one might argue that we lack the original righteousness that once belonged to us after that "Garden of Eden" incident.

superspygal: thanks for sharing your viewpoint. I sometimes wonder if this judgment thing is part of our evolutionary process that was useful for our survival at one time. Perhaps we judge people flinging dung in our direction. Okay, I just wanted to use the word dung, but I really wonder about judgment that way.

Prata said...

Hrmm. So then, perfection is to be ignorant? *blinkles*

Speaking on the Garden of Eden thing, not that you suggested it lol.

Prata said...

I decided to kind of ramble on my blog about this. Only because it interests me slightly. And there's that.

Robb said...

I know where you're coming from. I have made my share of mistakes and comitted my share of sins. I have done a lot of things I'm not proud of, but I am a stronger person having learned a lot of lessons the hard way.

I need to add a link to you on my blog. The few times I have read yours, I have loved the posts. I hope you have room for another regular reader.

kathi said...

Babe, I just adore you. I sure can't cast any stones.

Video X said...

oh yeah...i totally forgot. memory is crap.

anyway, i dont know if she still does...but i had a friend who knows about my blog and started reading yours. she doesnt blog...she tried, but doesnt get it...but she has a similar thing to some of this except in the opposite direction. why would this be of any interest? well, not that you care, but i just thought it was neat that somebody was trying to read about this stuff from your perspective...being that they were faced with her husband cheating on her. so apparently you are reaching out beyond the blog world without knowing it ;)

Leesa said...

prata: I read your ramblings. Nice.

robb: thanks for the compliment. Always have room for one more.

kathi: I love you, too!

vx: thanks. I have, on other people's blogs, recommended books. And usually, I get, "That book is crap; it didn't help me." Dealing with infidelity is difficult - for both parties involved. The thing is, hubbie never signed up for dealing with it, well unless you count the wedding vows.

Giovanna said...

My brain is much too tired to wrap around the multitude of concepts being batted around this post. Prata, I need to find time to go read your ramblings as well, because your replies intrigue me. Like Lisa @ Bored Housewife, I wish I had hours to just read blogs, but I am working on a marriage too, and he despises my computer time as it is.

Pieces of Me said...

Hey girl..that was a great post..I am glad things worked out and that you figured it out...I definitely think I can learn a lot from you!! You are an awesome woman..TTYL

mojo k o'yote said...

@ prata

are you sure the creator is perfect? by whose standards? or is it just that (s)he is so powerful it's best to suck up a little bit? what about the concept of "as above, so below"? maybe the creator is working out it's own stuff just like we are. that's why there's such pain and unfairness around. and sweetness, too.

the universe is what it is, we might as well call it perfect and deal with the pain, eh, as well as with the sweetness.

personally, i thhink the perfection part comes in when one accepts that "God is Love" Love being the concept that requires one to put others happiness & well being ahead of one's own. Ultimately, it seems to me, one must be able to forgive even the creator. because life is going to have some unfairness and pain.

no?

mojo k o'yote said...

*laffin*

sorry,, leesa, for the contention. love yer blog, an' the mind behind it.

@ prata: no offense intended, fren'. jest thots 'n ponderin's

Leesa said...

g: Good luck on the work!

pieces: thanks, sweetie.

yote: what is that phrase, "to look at the one you love is to see the face of God." A musical.

Prata said...

Oh no problem! I only question these things because 1. I'm not a christian..so I do not understand how this works. 2. Ignorance is not something you should willingly endure, so it is best to present these (what I assume from my own thought process to be) logical lines of comprehension (in so far as I've managed to get on my own lol) in order to spawn more discussion (and probably a stfu you twit here and there).

The only reason I went down the path of "perfection in deity" is because Deb mentioned the term perfection. The 'good book' seems to allude to the fact that the deity is actually without error. That's all. Although, I suppose when you start questioning one's faith you start treading on people's dreams. They usually don't like that.

moebugge said...

Over shadowing race and sex( male/female) there are essentially three sorts of beings: those who learn by reading , the few who learn from observation, the remainder have to learn by peeing on the electrified frnce themselves. when i was younger i grew to like the shock from the electrified fence, until i began to understand may be one of these time i might run out of all of the nine lives i thought i had or that overworked and patient guardian angel would let me down after too many saving my ass.
collectively we have an abundance of knowledge-not facts , not information.
why not put it to positive usage.

Leesa said...

prata: many religious people have already worked through their doubts. Those strong in their faith do not mind you questioning (IMHO).

moebugge: you know, I have never tried to pee on a fence. I would think that may be quite tricky. Most of us learn in multiple ways. I never had to burn myself to know stoves were hot. And I have not had the opportunity to experience other planets in the solar system. Yeah, everything could be a hoax, but I learned about Jupiter from books.