Monday, January 23, 2006

Changing an Image

I have been thinking about perceptions lately. And being the self-proclaimed Attention Whore that I am, I was thinking of how others perceive moi. Here are three examples that I noticed last week:

Example 1: Erotic Blogs I Like
I guess it started months ago, when I noticed that someone placed a link to my site under "Erotic Blogs I Like." There are actually several people who have me listed under that (GP, monica). Now, for those who have erotic blogs themselves, I understand the categorization. But those who have more generalized blogs, I am sort of set in the section behind the curtain. Perhaps that is appropriate.

Then I remembered my blog categorization – "Blogs that Dampen my Panties." Pretty much the same categorization. I went through the blogs this morning, and we have yet another blogger than has stopped – Ken from Louisiana. I saw that he stopped writing recently, and I did not mention it on my blog the other day. Another brick in the wall – or would this be another brick missing in the wall?

Example 2: Coming Along Nicely
Playfully, monica mentioned that my blog turns her mind to the naughty in the comments section of a blog last week.

Example 3: The Kingy Awards
And if you have been reading for a while, you know I like Ddot. He has one heck of a blog. Last week, the winners of the The Kingy Awards were announced. I really creative idea – he made nominations, and anyone who wanted to vote would cast a vote via e-mail. It is a very funny post – his funniest posts are the ones where he either interviews people or otherwise describe conversations or events (like the Awards Ceremony). I won an award (and was a presenter for another award). The award I won was "Blogger you most want hump female." And apparently I got more votes than anyone else. So it is not Ddot that is saying I am the "Blogger you most want hump female." But the voters (worse). I am a consensus slut. Not sure I want to write an acceptance speech for this one – "yes, thank you for voting on my as skank of the year; I will try to live down to the award." I had a boyfriend once who thought it was a compliment to be called "fuckable," but for some (most?) women, it is no true compliment. And I know the boyfriend was trying to compliment me. Guess this is one of those Venus-Mars differences.

Now, all of the people that I have described above are dear to me – and through their blogs, I generally like them. I know they mean no harm, but they see me as some Hugh Hefner without the pipe and smoking jacket, peddling smut to whomever. That is foremost in their minds. Okay, I guess a better example would be Jenna Jameson – she may have lots of adorable attributes, but generally, people don't get past the sexual stuff. First time I saw part of a Jenna Jameson video was in a conference room – so I think she is fairly "mainstream" now.

Now I have a problem – I mean, I have thought about removing my erotic stories several times. And I have not removed them. That is just part of who I am. And I am writing, for the most part, because I want to improve my writing. But there is a part of me that wants to please others – hence, I try to make Joe's morning by at least posting something. Joe, I hope it is okay if these blog entries are made by 9:00 AM. Call the circulation desk if the blog is late, sweetie.

But I should go back to the last paragraph – I have a problem. Because it disturbs me a little. And I know it shouldn't, but it does. Now, I am wondering why – I hope it is more of a calendar thing (hint for the male readers: almost that time of the month). Now I am asking for my monthly visit – oh, where in the heck is that Paxil sample my shrink gave me.

Sidenote comment. Okay, I just looked up the side effects of Paxil, and here is what strikes me as interesting. 1% of people discontinued use of the drug because of flatulence – and 0.3% of people discontinued use of the placebo because of flatulence. Okay, this is disturbing on two fronts – (1) some people got gas from taking a sugar pill, and (2) people would rather have depression than fart. Granted, I am not sure how much of a problem this particular side effect is. I mean, if you sounded like a trombone section of the local symphony, perhaps the side effects may cause more psychological harm than the normal effects of the drug cause good. I don't know; see your doctor.

Oh, look at me, I am getting away from my problem. Do I really care what others think of me here? Apparently I do – and I am not sure I want to. Now, what I hope doesn't happen is that I make a bunch of people feel guilty. I don't want that. And I don't want people changing how or if they link to me.

I don't know where to go with this. Part of me wants to delete the whole monolog, and I hope that no one takes offense. I have tentatively titled this entry – "changing an image". Perhaps that is not the best title for this. I guess we all have images – I have an image of myself, you have an image of me, and everyone who comments or just lurks has an image as well. I let my ideas flow fairly freely here – more so than at work or in public (although my hubbie knows me better than anyone, including things I just won't share with anyone else - ever). I guess what I am driving at is that if I have a sexual thought, my word processor captures it. If I was having a beer with ~deb, it would not resemble a "Girls Gone Wild" video. You'd have to have video surveillance once she invites me in for a nightcap – kidding. I guess all I am saying is that I have some self-control in public, that I don't grab any guy's ass just because, and that I don't have a potty mouth. Yeah, I think about sex sometimes. But most of us do. I just happen to write about it.

Now for something completely different. So, I wrote a site, asking the following question: "I have several questions about your National Novel Writing Year 2006 - how much exactly is 100,000 words? I want to write a book in one year, and I am trying to find a good motivator."

The answer I got: "100,000 words is one hundred thousand words. Just kidding. It's about a 500 page book. Of course, this doesn't have to be all one book. It could be two 250 pages books, five 100 page books, or some other combination."

Everybody is a comedian. Then I looked at my question and thought – what bad sentence structure. Oh, she is going to think I am some literary hack. Ah, another image problem. Son of a bitch. Maybe I do care about my image.


kathi said...

It doesn't matter whether you care about your image or not, because I don't know of anyone (and can't imagaine anyone) who doesn't love you exactly as you are.
What's to worry about?
I don't care for erotica (except for my own imagination :) ) so I don't read that part of yours. Doesn't mean I don't love you. Babe, you make me laugh, think, thankful and even cry (once). There are only a couple of bloggers that can do that for me. I'm crazy about you. I hope you never feel the need to change how you share with us.

Mike said...

I;ve never thought less of you because you write erotica...I see much more then that in you. You're a very good writer no matter the subject matter.

And like kathi....I don't read you for the erotica.

Shannon said...

Leesa~ We are all different. In our daily lives we would all be different, different jobs, different families, different personalities... and that is the image that we represent to our blogs.

What I am trying to say is, we all have our own style of writing, whether it's funny, serious, sexual.. it reflex's the mood we are in. We cannot expect a blog to be "One certain way" when our lives change daily.

I enjoy your blog for what it is.. you have a great mix and we all take different things from it.

Keep doing what you feel Leesa wants to do, We adore it!

P.S. Happy Monday! =)

Monica said...

Leesa, I originaly only found your short stories, it was only after I linked them to my blog, and then clicked the link to make sure it worked, that I actually found your blog itself. And now I don't know how to change it. This is why people should not be granted the use of technology they don't understand how to use (kind of like firearms and children)

Anyway, I actually consider you and your blog and stories something like the Canterbury Tales, entertainment to learn from.

In my mind, you're the quiet sweet neighbor you have over for coffee on the porch and you know there's a good story there somewhere, but you're having too much fun talking about real life to ask.

I have the porch and coffee.....when are you stopping by? (I would wait till spring if I were's cooooooold out there now...)

Prata said...

Leesa! You're not allowed to change, you must at this very moment become static. So hah!

By all means..change away! Change 'til your heart's content.

Have you heard anythign from ddot? I've not. I e-mailed him (as you know) but eh..mia and so I'm prepared to know..have someone run with it. If I don't hear from him today or tomorrow I suppose next person runs with it. Is that me? Ah crap.

Bruce said...

I admit I originally found you through your stories, but after reading more and more of your blog, I discovered another person underneath the erotica. You know what? I like her a lot, and that's what keeps me coming back.

Video X said...

i dont have a title for you. as far as i know you are leesa blogger. but if you want a title, tell me what it is!

Giovanna said...

Leesa I barely know you, I just started reading, yet believe me when I say this attention whore knows exactly of the conflict and feelings of which you speak.

A few years back at a message board I belonged to, someone referred to me as a MILF, when at that time I had know idea what it meant. When I found out, it upset me. Even though they weren't puposefully being derogitory, it hit a nerve with me and I wondered how I was being seen or portraying myself to a bunch of strangers on the internet, and should I be horrified if that's how they see me?

Any impetus that gives us a little pause for self examination is good, but in the end we have to be true to ourselves. Paxil and farts notwithstanding, *you* are the best judge of what that is, no one else. :)

Happy Monday all.

Giovanna said...

shit I hate when you can't edit comments and I used the wrong "no". D'oh!

Leesa said...

kathi: thanks for your note of encouragement. By the end of the post, I wasn't planning on changing anything. So I made you cry once - hope it was not my Just Walking entry. I can see you weeping, thinking, "this writing is so bad. Poor Leesa."

mike: thanks, sweetie. And I just don't read you to steal your patent-able toilet curtain.

shannon: thanks, sweetie. Glad to know I am not always uni-faceted (is that the opposite of multi-faceted?)

monica: I wasn't trying to cast blame, sweetie, I really wasn't. I guess I was sort of thinking about image, and this post evolved. Thanks for your explanation. But instead of coffee, I would prefer hot tea.

prata: point well taken. I have not heard from Ddot, either. I have e-mailed him this morning, but I have not heard back yet.

bruce: I have a feeling that is a common theme here. You know, I am not sure that I would have much of a following if I wrote about just erotica. I have started another site with pure erotica (much of it better, or at least different than what I write). And to my surprise, the erotica site gets maybe 40 hits per day.

VX: You can give me any title you want, sweetie. G links to my site, calling it Leesa's Words. That is a lot more descript than my title, Leesa's Stories. Because there are not a lot of stories.

G: I know several GF's that actually like the term MILF. It makes them feel desirable. But from your comments, I think you know how I feel. It is great to feel sexy and desirable, but there is this line where you don't want to go beyond. At work, I don't want co-workers calling me sexy, but I want to be sexy. And men complain that we are too hard to figure out. Sounds simple to me.

Joe said...

Leesa - I think this blog shows us many sides of you - and all of them are wonderful. I'm not sure that any one aspect of your writing defines you. Instead, they all demonstrate what an insightful, self-aware, and well rounded person you are.

Oh, and thanks for thinking of me when you post early, but the truth is that you' needn't do anything to please me. Reading your blog at whatever time you post is always great. ;-)

mg said...

Never underestimate the power of Blogging.

Every dedicated Blogger eventually finds themselves at a crossroads, after contemplating the input from our readers we reach a point where we ask ourselves "What does my blog say about me?"

After months (or however long) of corresponding with strangers and filtering through all the negative (and usually very honest) comments, a writer can sometimes feel very down about the visions our personal stories reveal.

Therapists don't tell us to Journal for nothing. This blog is just an electronic version, hyped with a healthy dose of exhibitionism.

When you verbally paint your image, reality is only the percieved axis. Only you decide what flow the brush takes next.

Is your life a singular painting, or a gallery of diverse and personal works of art?


Grant said...

I voted for you for "Blogger you most want to hump - female." It's not because I think of you as a skank, but because your open and frank writing style is very sexy. So it was a complement, albeit one of those most women probably wouldn't find very complimentary.

It reminds me of some clueless salesman who tried to complement a woman at the office by referring to her as "pleasantly plump." It was a fitting description - she was a little heavy, but nice looking - and he meant it kindly, but nobody is going to take that as a complement.

Leesa said...

joe: all of my sides are wonderful? Hmmmmmmm. Have you been in my Paxil lately?

mean girl: thanks for the comment; a lot to swallow at one time.

grant: I understand what you are saying; thanks.

~Deb said...

I have to agree with Bruce. I mean, your writing style is unique and very alluring. Yes, I do admit, I do read your erotica. It’s very well written and very stimulating for any gender. You have a way with words---I’ll say that.

Oh…and of course I’d invite you in for that nightcap! Are you crazy girl??? I just hope that if I were to have a Christmas tree up…that…ummm…well…you know…If people read your blog daily, they would know what I’m asking for.

Okay—I’ll stop sidetracking here. When you started blogging about “yourself” more, that’s what kept me coming back too. I was definitely reading your risqué material, however, it made it that much sweeter when you decided to write about your life a bit more with us. For those who leave your blog because one day you want to talk about something normal---the hell with them. I mean, if erotica is the only thing they want to read---then let them get a Hustler magazine for the love of God.

You can mix it up. I think mixing it up always makes for a nice blog. I’m doing that myself, although I’m not an erotica writer, I write things about my faith in Christianity, I then write about politics sometimes, and then about my life as a mafia princess from hell, and then back to my wacky lesbian life- and sometimes it can be sexual---but I’m very tame with it.

Everyone is different. Everyone writes so uniquely. Do you really have to ask permission from your audience? I guess you would---because you’re such a considerate person. But be the person you want to be---write what you want to write.

Let me ask you---what do “”YOU”” prefer writing? That’s the main question. Forget about everything else.


P.S. I'll still be one of your biggest fans sweetie!

Georgiapeach said...

Aww, I loved this post. Well, I have to say that was the main reason I changed the category to adult literature. Because you are more than Erotica. I knew that when I first put it up there like I was too lazy to change it..rofl.
You're really Chickensoup for the soul, but I don't want someone coming over here and being offended (Damn Prudes!). However, I never ever think of you as skank or a slut. You are the best! YOu are so honest, intelligent and unpredictable (had to throw that in) Trust and believe, I am the skank around! Shit, if it was up to me, I would be half nakid on my blog but we all know black people don't like that...getting wild on a blog is absurb for I'll have the damn NAACP after

However, don't try to get all innocent on us....your blog profile, your profile pic and your writings won you that award.

*Finished reading all your stories that you wrote during the Holidays. I love them. Every single one! My favorite was the one about the woman who was blindfolded by her mate. Loved it.*

Georgiapeach said...

I love Mean girl's comment. On point!

Amber said...

I'm new here, and clearly a lurker (in the best possible way) but I really enjoy your writing. I've read most of your erotic stories and loved them, but you're a good writer in ANY genre.

The thing about blogs is that no matter how you start out, once you have a following, you self-edit. I edit a lot, mostly because there are some things I'd rather strangers not know, and also? Things I'm not sure how people would react. So yes -- I care about what people think of me. I think it's human nature.

What I'm trying to say is that I hope you don't stop blogging!

mal said...

Bear with as I try to respond in a meaningful manner

I am an engineer by education. I am a nuts a bolts person that enjoys working problems. Need some one to work a process dynamic? I am your girl!

The down side? I really lost touch with "fun" stuff. I could never write your erotica. I lack the talent. When I read it, I respect and envy your gift. I agree with Deb, writing about yourself anchors your material to a real person

I do classify it as "erotica" and not porn and worthy of literary development

Please, Keep on writing *S*

The Seeker said...

I come here to read because I like your words. Your structure to your thought. Sometimes you ramble a little long, but that is real. I never thought of your blog as a sex or erotic blog, but rather a well rounded commentary. Keep on...

Edtime Stories said...

Leesa you know I love your stories but you present the many faces that we all have. I chose to seperate my erotic stuff from my other writing. It allows me to be slightly more anonymous with my stories, you haven't. Though many see only that one side of you you have many loyal readers who read for your mind and your ability to put words together in a way that paint a clear vision of what is in your head. I think many of us care about our image. No worries, you are who you are. Continue to educate us.

Leesa said...

~deb: thanks for your kind comments. I really was not fishing for compliments; just wondering why people boxed me in this erotic area.

GP: I see so much of me in you. I really do.

amber: thanks, sweetie. I am not sure I self-edit enough. When I wrote this post, I sort of knew that it might ruffle some feathers. But I did post it anyway. I visited your blog, and I was shocked to learn that you were yummy in bed. No one leaves me those comments. Such a fantastic visual though - yummy in bed!

mallory: Thanks. I think there is a difference between erotica and porn as well. I try and focus on the feelings, not the body parts.

seeker: I ramble on? You know, I used to keep my entries to one page (MS Word default settings), and I have broken that rule recently. I was wondering if others have noticed. Today's post is one page.

ed: thanks for the sweet comments.

nikki said...

keep doing what you're doing, leesa. either folk feel it or they don't, but at least you can rest assured that you're doing you as truthfully as possible. that's all that matters.

so don't get rid of the erotic stories cuz i've got catching up to do!

moebugge said...

I grew up in a "religious home "
Looking back parents are a neccessary evil. Why because they have never been parents before and if you ask them years later; anyone who is honesty will admit that if they had to do it all over again ;they would do it differently. Why because no one grows up learning to be a parent- everyone grows up to be a profession. I want to be a lawyer , doctor, engineer, policeman , fireman , nurse, teacher. In all my years I have yet to hear anyone say - when i grow up i want to be a parent. i am a firm believer that prospective parents should take tests the same as taking a drivers license. WHY? Because not everyone should be a parent. Parents should be there for there off- springs not to create their alter egos they never amounted to be.
I grew with with on-springs as parents ( off springs=children ) whom ,i for years thought i must have gotten switched from my real parents in the paternity ward, because we were never able to communicate to my satisfaction concernign what my needs were to be a full rounded person i envisioned.
For years I wanted to scream and shout -do you see me? do you hear me for who I am?
I swallowed the indignities i was subjected to and realized that just count the moments because it will eventually be over, all i had to do was to persevere until I was a legitimate adult and then I would not have to deal with them again, ever.
That time came and i was like a horse running in the wild after being locked up all winter. There was so much shit unsaid and stinking all over the place - inside, outside , on the walls , on the ceiling,the attic, and the cellar - we shall not mention.
My relationships with people, with women were all fucked up because i had placed myself in a vacuum waiting to exhale. I was all over the charts and not registering my position.
I started dancing because it allowed me to express my self non verbally. My parents came to my first performance which i was proud of, and i was happy to have them there.
what happens?
My father comes up and says that was the first and last performance they will attend! Why ?
Never got an explanation. But I could only surmise that it did not fit into the their cosmic explanation as to how a man is to present him self. Or did it wake up their own inefficiencies about not doing what they wanted to do with their own lives? So why should I have that possibility?
To bring this all to a head( no alliteration) I sense that you write to be loved and to be recognized as a person worthy to be loved for you to you. I give you( you always had it ; it was yours for the taking) the power to invest in you to be you and to be who ever and what ever you wish to be. just be willing to pay the consequences of your actions . YOur live is yours. No one elses - live it!

Leesa said...

nikki: thanks for the compliment.

moebugge: thanks for the detailed and long response. Sometimes parents don't have the tools to be good at their most important job.

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