Spam Riches, Microsoft and Orlando

Dear Readers,

It looks like I may not be here much longer. You see, Mr. Rahim Allen, the head of auditing and accounting section of Union Togolaise de Banque Lome-Togo in West Africa, and I may be entering an agreement in which I could earn millions of dollars. All I have to do is give Mr. Allen, someone who I only know from a piece of spam (below), some money, trust the guy, and wait for him to give me my money. Soooooo, maybe I will be around a little longer, with a few less dollars in my purse. Unfortunately, by blogging about this, I have already killed the deal. You see, this is no longer "top secret." Crap.

Last week, I spent thirty minutes updating MS Windows. I don't know a lot about software – but I don't really like Windows. I was reading Prata last week, and he had a link to another blog (not like mine, there were no discussions of cum stains, lesbian lust, or philosophical discussions on the best way to trim pubic hair). Anyway, even though there seemed to be no useful information, I started reading the blog. It was all about Windows, and the entries I was reading concerned the little "security fix" that I was installing.

The "patch" was a tad deceptive. You see, first you install some type of "software authentication application" (by the way, this is all from memory, so if I get it wrong, just deal with it – you are reading about software from someone who is much more interested and experienced with hardware – and an expert on turning it to software with just her tongue and mouth). Well, you download this little application – and MS gives you a description like, "install this before you can install patches (without the patches, your computer will ignite the next time you turn on the computer)". Again, I may be wrong on this description, but just chill, especially if you are a lawyer for MS. So after you install this little program that you can never un-install, you have basically said to MS, "you can look inside of my computer any old time you want (which happens to be every time you power up the computer).

Well, for OCD people like me, I feel like never turning on the machine again. That way, Mr. Gates and his cronies can not sift through my files. And those naked pictures of Orlando Bloom are for research purposes, and Orlando gave me those pictures; I did not hide under his bed and take the pictures without his knowledge. Oh, and I am not the Leesa who has a restraining order against her. Promise.

Back to my intellectual discussion on MS. Well, afterwards, I had something like 18 "patches" to make Windows safer, which means that it takes 30 minutes for a hacker to disable my computer and use it against the Department of Defense or Ebay. I found a quote that Bill Gates said a decade ago about his Windows software: "There are no significant bugs in our released software that any significant number of users want fixed." (Focus Magazine, Oct. 23, 1995) I am sure his stance on this issue has not changed.

So now, not only is my employer paroosing my work machine – they purchased it, they can look at the contents. But now I have MS looking at my machine, just to check every time that I have "authentic MS software on my machine". And for those who think this is no big deal, here is something Mr. Gates said about China and software piracy:
"Although about 3 million computers get sold every year in China, but people don't pay for the software," he said. "Someday they will, though. As long as they are going to steal it, we want them to steal ours. They'll get sort of addicted, and then we'll somehow figure out how to collect sometime in the next decade." (On software piracy in China, July 1998)

Looks like they figured out a way to catch those in the US – but they get access to everyone else's machines as well. I am sure they will not use this information for other purposes. Like marketing. Or looking at Orlando Bloom's perfect butt.

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FROM MR RAHIM ALLEN.
AUDITING AND ACCOUNTING UNIT.
FOREIGN OPERATIONS DEPARTMENT.
UNION TOGOLAISE DE BANQUE,UTB.
LOME- TOGO.

Dear Leesa,

I am Mr. Rahim Allen, the head of auditing and accounting section of Union Togolaise de Banque Lome-Togo in West Africa with due respect and regard. I have decided to contact you on a business transaction that will be very beneficial to both of us at the end of the transaction .

During our investigation and auditing in this bank, my department came across a very huge sum of money belonging to a deceased person who died on 26th December 2004 in Tsunami that happened in Sumatra island, Indonesia. From the information that our bank have gotten so far, the Tsunami killed him with his entire family and no none relation have been identified. The person that he used as his next of kin was his 17 year old son who died along side with the family.

Although personally, I keep this information secret within myself to enable the whole plans and idea be Profitable and successful during the time of execution. The said amount was (U.S$9.5M UNITED STATES DOLLARS).

Meanwhile all the whole arrangement to put claim over this fund as the bonafide next of kin to the deceased, get the required approval and transfer this money to a foreign account has been put in place and directives and needed information will be relayed to you as soon as you indicate your interest and willingness to assist me and also benefit your self to this great business opportunity.

In fact I could have done this deal alone but because of my position in this country as a civil servant (A Banker), we are not allowed to operate a foreign account and would eventually raise an eye brow on my side during the time of transfer because I work in this bank. This is the actual reason why it will require a second party or fellow who will forward claims as the next of kin with affidavit of trust of oath to the Bank and also present a foreign account where he will need the money to be re-transferred into on his request as it may be after due verification and clarification by the correspondent branch of the bank where the whole money will be remitted from to your own designation bank account.

I will not fail to inform you that this transaction is 100% risk free. On smooth conclusion of this transaction, you will be entitled to 30% of the total sum as gratification, while 10% will be set aside to take care of expenses that may arise during the time of transfer and also telephone bills, while 60% will be for me. Please, you have been advised to keep it as a "top secret" as I am still in service and intend to retire from service after I conclude this deal with you.

I will be monitoring the whole situation here in this bank until you confirm the money in your account and ask me to come down to your country for subsequent sharing of the fund according to percentages previously indicated and further investment, either in your country or any country you advice me to invest in. All other necessary information will be sent to you when I hear from you.

Yours faithfully,

Rahim Allen.