Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Guest Blogger on Ddot's Blog

I wrote this for Ddot's blog, and am just posting it on my blog just in case he decides to eventually delete his blog.

When I first saw Ddot's blog entry for guest bloggers, I thought to myself, "I wonder what crazy person would ever think they could guest blog on the King's blog." I mean, who would be as knowledgeable, as sure of themselves, as witty as the King. The answer, of course, is no one. So since no one is truly worthy, everyone is equally unworthy. Or so I tell myself.

When I first started reading the King, I noticed several things:
1. The King is cute.
2. The King seemed conceited. Later I learned that the King was just that good. After a while, I wondered if conceit that is backed up with tangible results could be called conceit. One of those, "if a tree falls in the woods but no one hears it" type of questions that I will leave to monks who live on mountaintops to answer.
3. The King is very, very witty. This is what first drew me to the King. I know, I know, most of you thought it was his picture. But it was his words. Occasionally we get to read his poetry, and you can see how he spins a phrase. He also includes a gem in most of his writings, a phrase that is truly art.
4. The King is all about MJ.
5. The King doesn't share too much of his real life. I think he may be shy, or guarded, or whatever.

Everything else about the King is subject to debate. He has had hecklers, he has had at least one stalker, he has many (mostly female) fans, and most of his life is private. I understand that. I admire that. So today, as guest blogger, I will be writing about something that is both close to the King's heart and I know little about. I tend to write better on subjects when I don't let the facts to get in the way of my writing. This, dear readers, is one of those blog entries.

So today, I will write about a plight that has infected our nation. By our nation, I am talking about the United States and am excluding the moose-loving neighbors to the north. You see, this post is about basketball, not hockey. For those Americans who are unaware (and there are many of you), the hockey finals are currently being played – between the Edmonton Oilers (the team is located somewhere in Canada, just think "north of Montana") and Carolina Hurricanes (yes, there is ice in North Carolina). I have even heard that the name for the hurricanes hockey team was to be the North Carolina Hurricanes, but the governor nixed it, saying, "Dammit, it is enough we have to build a hockey rink in North Carolina, I just don't want the team associated with our state. We play basketball here, not sissy hockey." Or so I have heard. Another common Internet rumor was that there were not enough hockey fans in North Carolina to support the team, so they had to include South Carolina as well. This, obviously, if false, because there are not that many hockey fans in both states combined. Actually, I sometimes wonder if FEMA used some of their money to buy the team – thus the name hurricanes. FEMA doesn't seem to spend their money on real disasters, so perhaps spending their money on hockey is close enough.

Anyway, there is also a plight in basketball. And this has nothing to do with "performance enhancing drugs." No, I am talking about finding the next Michael Jordan. I remember, vaguely, when Michael Jordan was playing. I know nothing about basketball, absolutely nothing (that will be unveiled through this blog entry), and I know Michael Jordan was the reason that the Chicago Bulls won 6 NBA titles in 8 years. The two years in between threepeats: Michael was playing baseball and golf instead of being the best basketball player in the world. I was going to list all of his accomplishments, so I Googled it and was going to paste them in this blog: trouble is that his career highlights are longer than my blog entries are – more than one full page of accomplishments. He was the Most Valuable Player five times – only Lew Alcindor was the MVP more. Oh, and for all of you non-basketball nuts, Lew changed his name after winning the award his first season to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Some believe that he did this because an angel came down from heaven, and asked him to change his name. You see the angel, knowing he was to win the award one more time than Michael, just did not want anyone to have their name on the award more than Michael. So the name Kareem Abdul-Jabbar was on the award 5 times (Lew Alcindor on the award one time), Bill Russell was on the award 5 times, and Michael Jordan was on the award five times. I know, some of you will say that Larry Bird won the award three straight times (an accomplishment Michael did not achieve); all I have to say is that the award was known as the Most Valuable White Hick Award for those years, a little known fact.

Michael holds a boat-load of NBA records to this day. But that's not the half of why Michael was so great. First, the NBA was in trouble until this one guy re-popularized the game. After the Magic Johnson vs. Larry Bird era, the NBA fell flat. It was not terribly interesting for non-fans. You see, basketball fans are generally not a good judge of how good the sport is – they are fanatical, no matter how things are going. This one man, lifted the sport, sold McDonalds' fast food, quenched his thirst with Gatorade, cleaned his colon with Wheaties, wore "Air Jordans," and sold a bunch of #23 Jerseys. Plus he was on the original Dream Team, you know, the one that ran laps around the competition and brought back the gold to the US.

Now we are looking for the next Jordan. Steve Nash? Heck, if he had not won two Most Valuable Players, I would not know who the guy was. Lebron James? Probably the most talented current player but the next Michael? Face it, Lebron James aspires to be Ddot, not MJ. Why on earth do you think his nickname is King James? As for me, Lebron James will have to take a backseat to Ddot.