Friday, June 09, 2006

Murderess Leesa

I crossed the line this morning. I went from model citizen to murderess in a few seconds. I mean, I did not mean to do it. It all happened so fast. My hands are still trembling, my heart is beating fast, and all I can think is that I am a murderess.

Sure, the US and Iraqi governments took out Abu Musab al-Zarqawi the other day – it took months of planning, tons of intelligence and what not, and I murdered in the matter of seconds.

You see, I was driving to work this morning and hit a squirrel. Sure, some of you probably are thinking, "Yeah, well I swerve towards squirrels." Okay, perhaps you do, but I most certainly don't. And the squirrel's death was much more tragic than running over him. I was avoiding some traffic, cutting through some neighborhoods. Well, there are these beautiful trees and all, and I actually saw the squirrel on a wire over the road. As I was approaching the wire, the squirrel fell – and it all happened in slow motion. I did not swerve to miss the furry little creature, mostly because I don't want my tombstone to read, "Leesa died, so that a squirrel may live."

I smashed his cute little skull with my windshield, and it actually left a little red mark on my car. I want to tell you how I stopped, cradled the squirrel in my arms, soothing his sore head, him looking at me as if to say, "I have lead a good life, and I am prepared to die." Instead, however, I just drove on, shaken, but also a bit late for work.

I mean, I know the California Angels beat the Tampa Bay Devil Rays on 6-6-06, and that good should triumph over evil, but I could imagine Satan flicking the little squirrel with his pinkie finger, grinning widely.

The good news is that my resume can now contain the accomplishment: "Snuffed out the life of a creature that was in the way." True statement and it might give pause to someone who was thinking of giving me a bad performance evaluation, or a boss who was trying to cut in line at the coffee shop.

On a not-so-similar note, I found it funny that Dani wrote a piece on ~Deb's site. It sort of reminded me of someone volunteering to get in a wet potato sack so that others could beat them for their own amusement. I know ~Deb did not mean it that way, but from the sidelines, that's how it looked. I am not linking to Dani's site, not because I don't agree with her viewpoint but because she just is not that good of a writer, and you can click on her site from ~Deb's site.


Mike said...

Juist as well ya didn't cradle the lil feller....they usually have lice.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Awww, I love little squirrels! But I tell you what...I can SO relate to this post! I posted how I killed a big Sand Hill crane with the mirror on my Tahoe one day (ripped the damn mirror off my truck)!!! It's in a post off in the margins on the right on my blog called "I Am A Murderess". I had the shakes too when I hit it...only, being the HUGE sucker for animals I am, I was sobbing too. What a wuss, huh?

Anyway, somet things just can't be squirrels falling from the sky!

Leesa said...

mike: thanks for that, mike.

stacy: I am just glad I saw him. Imagine my surprise otherwise

Goddess said...

wow. You should have found his momma and apologized or something. Wait, maybe not. Think about it. Maybe the squirrel was trying to knock you on the head to see if you were a "bad" nut! If he thought you were, then he would send you down the shute to the garbage incinerator! And then someone would have to go in after you! (Have I been watching Willy Wonka with Mr. Depp too much?)

Grant said...

Good thing avoiding a link to Dani's site. I can simulate the experience of getting her attention for you.

"I know The Truth! Judge with righteous judgment! You're a hypocrite!"

She visited my blog awhile ago after I left a comment on hers. She had posted a link to pictures of dead babies to prove abortion is bad. I said gross does not equal evil, so she dropped by and called me a hypocrite. That's what she calls everyone who doesn't agree with her. Somebody needs to buy the poor thing a dictionary.

Monica said...

Leesa- you're not a murderess---it was obviously a case of assisted suicide- except that you hadn't agreed to assist the depressed varmint. Maybe he found out he was a (not so cute fuzzy tree) rat.

Video X said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Video X said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Video X said...

oh dear. well, i'm not a bleeding heart for squirrels. in fact, they kind of scare me as do chipmunks or any other rodent that i am convinced might bite me. however, it can be troublesome when you run something over. i hit a duck once. it was weird. it sounds like it might have been on purpose as ducks dont fall from trees or dart out in front of you, but it really was an accident. i felt wierd for an hour. sorry that happened to you.

Video X said...

oh that's nice. did you really want to read that three times? haha...i gotta delete those extras.

~Deb said...

I nearly hit a squirrel the other day---but swerved to the point of almost getting myself into an accident. So it's either ME or the squirrel. Hmm.

Great analogy with the potato sack. I let Dani post on my blog because we had a lengthy discussion over the phone about how we are both Christians---with very different viewpoints. Then she wrote in the comments how "I" have to change and become an 'ex lesbian' in order to continue staying in a friendship with her.

So does that mean I have to break up with my partner of 12 yrs?

I don't think anyone should try to change people---only God can.

The reason for her to post for me was to let her give 'her message' out, and for her to realize that the message she's sending isn't out of comes from another source.

Leesa said...

goddess: funny thing is that I fell in love with the old Willy Wonka, and so I was not as happy with the new one. But the new one was so much closer to the book. Funny.

grant: I don't mind hypocrites.

monica: But I don't like in Oregon. Not sure assisted suicide is okay anywhere else.

VX: squirrels when I am walking scare me. But when I am in a car and they are zooming by, well, I guess NOW they will scare me too. And since I speed-read, I read the other two just in case there is a hidden message.

~deb: as I recall, there was another christian who, when the Feds were coming in on him, asked his congregation to drink cool-aid. And then they made a song out of it.

minijonb said...

That's sad. I hate running over animals on the road. But you do get 1000 bonus style points for using your windshield instead of just running it over with your tyres. =;-)

Sue said...

The thing is -- if people would keep their squirrels inside -- all this senseless violence could end. But squirrels are tramps and just HAVE to go running around in the traffic like their friends do sooooo.....I live in the country and although I don't purposely try to hit them, if it is them or the tree, I just take my foot of the gas and keep going and pray that I hit em just right and they survive. :( -- sad but true. Thanks for visiting my site :)

Mark said...

Be glad it was a squirrel that fell onto your windshield and not a deer! We have a huge squirrel population here in Ann Arbor. Must be because we have so many nuts. Anyhow, I can rarely drive or walk anywhere without seeing a flattened one in the road. The only time I ran something over was a possum that I never saw until it was too late -- and the outside of the car reeked for months. :p

I did see a guy (with a confed flag in his back window, fwiw) actually swerve to hit a squirrel. That really pissed me off, to see someone be so damn mean.

JD said...

roflmao. i just love the way you write. for a murderess, you're pretty talented. ;)

oh yes, i started a new blog. the links on my profile, duh. ;)

Ian Lidster said...

Leesa, I once hit a robin with my car when I was about 17 (just a few years ago) and sometimes the image of that poor bird flopping around on the road still bothers me. So, I understand perfectly about the squirrel. So, I understand. I'm a guy who puts spiders outside rather than step on them.

halo said...

Ohh that sucks babe. Ya know, some believe that that squirrel gave his life up just to help renew yours. Which is much gentler then murderess. ;-)

cadbury_vw said...

1) we have so much wildlife around where i live it just can't be avoided, so we get used to driving animals down. a dumb assed gopher (prairie dog) decided to run under my vehicle yesterday. not in front, but underneath it. it waited by the side of the road and decided to dash under - i saw it dying on the road in my rear view mirror...

BTW - the next set of squirrels won't have your squirrel's fall from the sky gene...

anyway, how do you know he didn't eat too many potato chips and die of a heart attack before he hit your windshield. maybe that's why he fell off the wire.

2) at least it wasn't a moose. my brother-in-law's dog training buddy nailed a moose a few weeks ago. those can be fatal, not staining.

shit, think of what it would have done to your car (and you) if a moose had been trying to run across that wire and had fallen onto your windshield.

Rob said...

Oh, you think that's bad, Leesa! Once I ate a LIVE beaver! I was picking hair out of my teeth for days!

Oh, wait a second -- maybe that's a topic for another day. Never mind! ;-P)

kathi said...

Wow, I've never heard of anyone hitting a squirrel that way, that had to be horrible. Feel really bad for both of you. Geeze.

Lee Ann said...

I almost hit a squirrel yesterday, but I swerved. It had not fallen out of the tree or from a power line (how bizarre was that). It was half way through the street, turned around, then turned around again. I know, he was trying to trick me. I was going very slow at the time, so when I swerved I did not endanger myself from having my tombstone being written.
Sorry about the murder!

Leigh said...

I think this squirrel was suicidal. He jumped! Poor thing must have had some deep issues.

Have a great weekend.

United We Lay said...

How weird. I hit my very first squirrel ever last week, which is strange since I come from a state littered with them. I cried. My husband laughed. Though he loves animals just as much as I do, he thought it was silly to cry over the loss of one little squirrel. I explained to him that the high emotions of a pregnant women have been known to get them aquitted of murder on the grounds of insanity. He went into the kitchen and returned with ice cream.

Prata said...

A bird once slammed into my driver's side window. While I was driving down Page. I had to get out and break it's neck because it was still alive and had obviously broken its wing and there was blood all over my window. I felt poorly for the animal...but I wasn't going to let it suffer in the street. Poor thing. Tsk.

I actually have killed quite a few suffering animals out of pity for not having died right away. Suffering bothers me.

Rafael said...

I think the squirrel was suicidal too.

Leesa said...

minijonb: I think I am emotionally scared from the event.

sue: so you pray to hit and mame squirrels. Hmmmmmmmmm.

mark: If a deer fell out of the tree, I would be dead.

jd: why a new blog?

ian: I get hubbie to put spiders out of the house. He wants to kill them, I know, but he takes them out for me.

halo: interesting spin, sweetie!

cadbury: I thought we had moose guards on our power lines for just that reason.

rob: er, um, I nearly missed that joke.

kathi: I got the better part of the deal, though.

lee ann: those squirrels are tricky. Thanks for the story.

leigh: and most squirrels don't have access to mental health professionals.

united: nice play!

prata: compassionate.

rafael: I hear that the side effect of certain types of nuts includes suicidal tendencies. Now I am a believer.

United We Lay said...

Thanks! He's been easier to manipulate since I got pregnant, not that I do it often.

Selkie said...

God, do I GET that about the poor squirrel! Several years ago I hit one going down my own street - did the best I could to avoid it, but although I slammedon the brakes, the little bugger doubled back and literally threw himself under my wheels - it took a YEAR before I was able to go THAT direction down the street again!

Heather said...


pooooor squirrel.. I hope the tree rat didn't

Great post!

Sue said...

LOL Leesa, I mean if I HAVE to hit 'em, I pray I don't kill 'em :)
I have been known to run off the road to avoid them.