Monday, June 26, 2006

Spam Riches, Microsoft and Orlando

Dear Readers,

It looks like I may not be here much longer. You see, Mr. Rahim Allen, the head of auditing and accounting section of Union Togolaise de Banque Lome-Togo in West Africa, and I may be entering an agreement in which I could earn millions of dollars. All I have to do is give Mr. Allen, someone who I only know from a piece of spam (below), some money, trust the guy, and wait for him to give me my money. Soooooo, maybe I will be around a little longer, with a few less dollars in my purse. Unfortunately, by blogging about this, I have already killed the deal. You see, this is no longer "top secret." Crap.

Last week, I spent thirty minutes updating MS Windows. I don't know a lot about software – but I don't really like Windows. I was reading Prata last week, and he had a link to another blog (not like mine, there were no discussions of cum stains, lesbian lust, or philosophical discussions on the best way to trim pubic hair). Anyway, even though there seemed to be no useful information, I started reading the blog. It was all about Windows, and the entries I was reading concerned the little "security fix" that I was installing.

The "patch" was a tad deceptive. You see, first you install some type of "software authentication application" (by the way, this is all from memory, so if I get it wrong, just deal with it – you are reading about software from someone who is much more interested and experienced with hardware – and an expert on turning it to software with just her tongue and mouth). Well, you download this little application – and MS gives you a description like, "install this before you can install patches (without the patches, your computer will ignite the next time you turn on the computer)". Again, I may be wrong on this description, but just chill, especially if you are a lawyer for MS. So after you install this little program that you can never un-install, you have basically said to MS, "you can look inside of my computer any old time you want (which happens to be every time you power up the computer).

Well, for OCD people like me, I feel like never turning on the machine again. That way, Mr. Gates and his cronies can not sift through my files. And those naked pictures of Orlando Bloom are for research purposes, and Orlando gave me those pictures; I did not hide under his bed and take the pictures without his knowledge. Oh, and I am not the Leesa who has a restraining order against her. Promise.

Back to my intellectual discussion on MS. Well, afterwards, I had something like 18 "patches" to make Windows safer, which means that it takes 30 minutes for a hacker to disable my computer and use it against the Department of Defense or Ebay. I found a quote that Bill Gates said a decade ago about his Windows software: "There are no significant bugs in our released software that any significant number of users want fixed." (Focus Magazine, Oct. 23, 1995) I am sure his stance on this issue has not changed.

So now, not only is my employer paroosing my work machine – they purchased it, they can look at the contents. But now I have MS looking at my machine, just to check every time that I have "authentic MS software on my machine". And for those who think this is no big deal, here is something Mr. Gates said about China and software piracy:
"Although about 3 million computers get sold every year in China, but people don't pay for the software," he said. "Someday they will, though. As long as they are going to steal it, we want them to steal ours. They'll get sort of addicted, and then we'll somehow figure out how to collect sometime in the next decade." (On software piracy in China, July 1998)

Looks like they figured out a way to catch those in the US – but they get access to everyone else's machines as well. I am sure they will not use this information for other purposes. Like marketing. Or looking at Orlando Bloom's perfect butt.


Dear Leesa,

I am Mr. Rahim Allen, the head of auditing and accounting section of Union Togolaise de Banque Lome-Togo in West Africa with due respect and regard. I have decided to contact you on a business transaction that will be very beneficial to both of us at the end of the transaction .

During our investigation and auditing in this bank, my department came across a very huge sum of money belonging to a deceased person who died on 26th December 2004 in Tsunami that happened in Sumatra island, Indonesia. From the information that our bank have gotten so far, the Tsunami killed him with his entire family and no none relation have been identified. The person that he used as his next of kin was his 17 year old son who died along side with the family.

Although personally, I keep this information secret within myself to enable the whole plans and idea be Profitable and successful during the time of execution. The said amount was (U.S$9.5M UNITED STATES DOLLARS).

Meanwhile all the whole arrangement to put claim over this fund as the bonafide next of kin to the deceased, get the required approval and transfer this money to a foreign account has been put in place and directives and needed information will be relayed to you as soon as you indicate your interest and willingness to assist me and also benefit your self to this great business opportunity.

In fact I could have done this deal alone but because of my position in this country as a civil servant (A Banker), we are not allowed to operate a foreign account and would eventually raise an eye brow on my side during the time of transfer because I work in this bank. This is the actual reason why it will require a second party or fellow who will forward claims as the next of kin with affidavit of trust of oath to the Bank and also present a foreign account where he will need the money to be re-transferred into on his request as it may be after due verification and clarification by the correspondent branch of the bank where the whole money will be remitted from to your own designation bank account.

I will not fail to inform you that this transaction is 100% risk free. On smooth conclusion of this transaction, you will be entitled to 30% of the total sum as gratification, while 10% will be set aside to take care of expenses that may arise during the time of transfer and also telephone bills, while 60% will be for me. Please, you have been advised to keep it as a "top secret" as I am still in service and intend to retire from service after I conclude this deal with you.

I will be monitoring the whole situation here in this bank until you confirm the money in your account and ask me to come down to your country for subsequent sharing of the fund according to percentages previously indicated and further investment, either in your country or any country you advice me to invest in. All other necessary information will be sent to you when I hear from you.

Yours faithfully,

Rahim Allen.


mal said...

I already have the Nigerians in my corner with the very nice Mr Mugabwe who is an oil heir. He is sure to send me $10 mil any day now. You can have the West Africans

Both my daughters use Macs. One of the BF's is a windows certified software engineer, guess what he uses? (hint, its not windows)

BTW- Old blog is dead,,new address is

United We Lay said...

Those things annoy the hell out of me. I've seen them over an over in my email. I always do my duty and report them to the FBI, but I'm sure no one over there actually cares.

~ Amanda X&O said...

Ah, wonderful spam. One of those thing that the world would be better off without.

Leesa said...

mal: sorry that your daughter found your site.

united: I have read that some countries take in more from fraud than any other import.

amanda: this is the first bit of spam that has made it through in a while.

~Deb said...

There is a "scam" that is workable. A co-worker of mine does this. She has this guy from South Africa sending her a check for $1,000-----and then she cashes it in (which becomes double due to the currency differences) and they both end up with a thousand a piece (or something like that)... So she has been doing this for a very long time and it has worked out.

Me? I wouldn't trust it. I'd be scared to do something like that... But she makes great money out of it.

Some spam is good for others. Hmm.

Prata said...

Macs would be okay if you didn't have to emulate windows to play games.

Of course Macs are now currently runnin' BSD as the kernel so it's much less prone to stupidity if your application misbehaves and bites the big one in the middle of doin' somethin' intensive. The same is true for Linux, your app dies? The machine keeps running. Windows? Blech, the god damned thing hoses the entire machine and you have to reboot. Bastards. And to add insult to injury, it goes and tells M$ some new and exciting information about your machine like..every damn boot..sad sad state of affairs. I wish M$ would hurry up and die already.

Less pressure today! The month is almost up! Superman Returns comes out and next month the little object comes home! Glee!

Jason said...

There are places in Africa (specifically Nigeria) that encourage this sort of thing. They have internet cafes set up for this. Do what one guy did. He made up a phony id, and corresponded with the African guy for awhile. Then he sent the African guy an email saying he had murdered his wife, and was flying to whatever city in Africa. Never heard back from African guy again.

Pittchick said...

I have to say that I have had great luck with my windows machine. I have a mac at work and I hate it! Of course, I also live with a software engineer, so that probably helps.

Leesa said...

~deb: like you, I don't trust scams.

prata: Linux runs natively on the Mac, so you have that option. I don't play games or have a Mac, but I have heard they are nice.

jason: good information!

DNA: I have worked with a Mac on occasion. Did not hate it, but it was different.

United We Lay said...

We're probably one of them, depending upon what you consider to be fraud.

Ian Lidster said...

Leesa -- you'll be a millionaire. What an opportunity. I bet you didn't even know there was so much money in Togo. Well, please remember us when the big bucks come in.

You know what's sad? Those fucking scams actually work, and people with IQs higher than room temp actually get suckered. Greed knows no bounaries.

You know, your blogs are so good and thought-provoking and I have often thought (as in takes one to know one) you'd make a good columnist. You are a hell of a lot more talent than some of the ones who are syndicated now. I don't know if you've ever gone in that direction, but you should consider it.

with good thoughts,

kathi said...

Damn that Rahim Allen...I thought he and I were already committed in this deal. I better get my money back.

Goddess said...

If you send me 5,000 dollars, I promise to frequent your blog until the day I die, or the day you stop posting, whichever comes first. This is NOT a scam. Somehow, my poor children got caught up in this Army life, and with just 5,000 dollars, I can unlock the earning power that I have so that they NEVER have to deal with this stuff again! Have a heart, Leesa...... the poor children! They arent starving, they have more than enough clothes and toys, live in a decent home, with pretty decent furniture (I mean, LAZBOY Sofas and loveseats and oversized chairs, and the what not. We love LAZBOY here) They get to ride to school in an SUV. It is a horrible life for them! I mean, I actually have to get THEM to clean their own rooms!

Leesa said...

united: really

ian: my dream job; writing for a living.

kathi: yeah, Rahim Allen told me about you. Then I sent him sexy IMs, and he cut you loose like old bait.

goddess: sounds like your kids have it good. Want to adopt me?

Heather said...

You have naked pictures of Orlando Bloom?????? you must share!

kathryn said...

Leesa I almost fell for the scam with Rahim.. your page here saved me almost losing 6600.00