Thursday, June 15, 2006

Hitting Sqirrels, Horses and Football Quarterbacks

Not perky enough for a post on one subject, so bear with me.

Okay, over the last week, I hit a squirrel, and Amanda hit a horse. And in real news, some little old lady hit a football quarterback. My little brain is trying to make sense of all of this.

Christian Wacko Point of View
First thing Christian wackos would suggest is that all three of these victims were actually participating in sodomy or homosexuality or whatever, and it is God's wrath who hurled their bodies at the cars. Drivers of the vehicles are one step closer to sainthood. All that was missing from the stories is "Another One Bites The Dust" playing in the background. Did Queen perform that song? Okay, that is the religious spin on this.

String Theory Point of View
Under string theory, one would say that these victims were injured in three, perhaps five of the alternate universes. Strings vibrating just right caused their bodies to hurl into the vehicles. Drivers of the cars may have been injured in other parallel universes. We will never know.

Country Hick Point of View
Country Hick point-of-view would be the following: "Cool! Now we can skin the squirrel and horse and put them up in the ice box." I just hope Country Hick does not think the same thing about football quarterback. Oh, and Country Hick would probably not be quite as articulate.

PETA Member Point of View
PETA point-of-view would be to hunt down and kill the drivers, then protest in random intersections. The only good thing to happen is that perhaps PETA would get some stars to pose nude in protest. I think they did that for fur. Oh, and I hope PETA doesn't hunt me down. Luckily because they are all vegetarians and malnourished, I am fairly sure I could still kick their asses if they got close to me. I would know they were coming because I could here their farts – I mean, if you have ever been around a vegetarian, you know that they fart all of the time. Even the girls.

Libertarian Party Point of View
A libertarian might say, "As long as the squirrel, horse and football player had insurance and would not tax the healthcare system, all is well. We need less government, more private industry, and if the squirrel and horse were not contributing to this great nation, no great loss." Most Libertarian party members are Cincinnati Bengal's fans, so hitting the quarterback would be a bonus.

Okay, when I started this, I was going to randomly talk about all sorts of things. I was thinking that my cum stain museum could be interactive – you know, having adults do art that would help with expanding exhibits, but alas, I am out of time.

Have a wonderful Thursday – and be careful on the roads.

14 comments:

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

I believe it was Queen who sang "Another One Bites The Dust". I always did love Freddie Mercurys voice...he was awesome.

And I love the way you worked "cum stain museum" into todays post. I'd buy a ticket to that museum, I just know I would. Wouldn't mind donating some art either...;)

Mike said...

Cum stains can be dangerous to driving down any road...or so I've heard.

mal said...

why not skin out the quarterback and throw him in the freezer? A little meat tenderizer and it should be good eatin'

~Deb said...

And Mikey and I were about to grill some possum later on. You coming over?

Leesa said...

Vegetarians fart all the time?

Pittchick said...

Being from Pittsburgh (as is the quarterback) I have to say he went home from the hospital last night and it looks like he's going to be OK. His injuries aren't as bad as they initially thought.

I only have a rabbit and a squirrel on my road-kill list so far, and I don't feel bad about either one of them. I almost got a dog once, but I like dogs, so I slowed down, since it was safe to do so. Cats are another story, however.

Leesa said...

stacey: yeah, I am stuck on cum stain museum this week, so to speak.

mike: little known fact: black ice normally is from cum stains.

mallory: remind me not to come over to your house for dinner.

~deb: possum? What is the special occasion?

leesa: well, the vegetarians I know do.

dna: yeah, I heard that on the regular news this morning about the QB being okay. And, wow, I will have to learn to cross the street at the lights for fear of crossing paths with you. Because I am no dog.

Edtime Stories said...

why did this post scare me soooo much

~ Amanda X&O said...

OMG!! I made your blog! Too cool, thanks honey!

Bruce said...

I live in the same state as Pat Robertson, and in the same city as Jerry Falwell, so I know what you mean about the fundamentalists; they're wackos.

Oh, and I don't mean to one-up you, but I hit a black angus bull once at 55 MPH. How did I not see the bull, you ask? Well, it was on a stretch of unlit highway after midnight. Sad thing is, the farmer who owned the bull refused to accept any responsibility.

nosthegametoo said...

Fortunately, I've never hit an animal before.

Although, I can think of several athletes who I'd like to run over.

Leesa said...

ed: just sleep with a nightlight from now on.

amanda: of course.

bruce: the farmer probably told the bull not to roam the road after dark.

nos: er, not sure I would admit to that.

StopSpamming said...

"Luckily because they are all vegetarians and malnourished, I am fairly sure I could still kick their asses if they got close to me."

Are you telling me you know skinny waif-like vegetarians? I'm a vegetarian and sure don't fit that picture. *sigh* I'm also not a die-hard fanatic radical revolutionary zealot like those PETA people - the rest of my family are all consumers of dead flesh and I haven't even sprayed them red!! ..yet...

Ok, so I do probably fart more - you got me there..but they don't smell as bad..Ha!
:)

Leesa said...

stopspamming: Thanks for backing me up on the tooting.