Thursday, December 01, 2005

Playing House

What toy have you always wanted and never gotten? A daughter. Okay, I know that sounds bad because a child is not a toy. But I’ve always wanted a little girl that I could dress up and take shopping with me. They don’t allow dogs (other than seeing eye dogs) in stores. Hence, Stormy is out of the picture.

I read this yesterday in Storm's blog. Now, don't go over to her blog – she is a talented writer, warm, funny, attractive; you know, a real bitch. Wink. <--- That was suppose to be endearing, but it sounded bitchy. Crap, I hope it doesn't sound that bad. Anyway, she got me to thinking . . . .

I have thought about writing about children, but I have been hesitant. When I was in college, I was so scared about getting pregnant. It seemed like if I did anything to screw up my life, that would have been it. Life over, thanks for playing. Then I got married. Not right after college, but in an "acceptable timeframe". Not too young, not too old, I guess. Scratches head. Maybe the problem is that there is no right time to get married. I wonder what my counselor would think about that.

Back to me. Or the subject. Sorry, no cum-soaked panties today.

Then I started married life. And I wanted to be married, me and him, for a while. You know, just do the married couple thing. And we were a good couple. We invited other childless couples over to dinner parties, we went to the theater, we got dressed up and went out, we traveled occasionally. We were grown-ups. We still are – so no smart-ass comments please.

Then people started asking, "When are you going to have kids."

When we were newly weds, it was easy to answer – "We are not ready yet. We want some time to discover each other; nurture our marriage."

After three years of marriage, the questions became more annoying. Almost hurtful. Friends were having children – and I thought they wanted someone to have "play-dates" with. Still the same answers, "We are not ready yet."

So hubbie and I had the discussion, and we decided it was time to have our first child. Having thought everything through (and not wanting to be in my third trimester in Georgia's heat), we wanted a spring baby. Date set – hubbie mounted me every third day or so, and . . . we did not get pregnant.

Monthly period. Fucked like rabbits the next month, and we did not get pregnant. Hubbie was not disappointed the first month, neither was I. After the second month, I was thinking – hey, if it takes another two months, I am going to be sweating like a pig the last month of my pregnancy. Clock is ticking.

Many more periods. A bit of depression – crying, you know. I started to hate my periods. Another missed opportunity. Sex became a chore after a few months. Then after nine months, we started getting checked out. And I learned that after six months of unprotected sex and no pregnancy, we got the medical label, "infertile couple." Nice that they blame the couple for my hubbie's problem. Or so I thought at the time.

Turns out hubbie was not shooting blanks. He only had to endure one test – and he got to cum for the test. Quite a hardship.

I was poked (and not in a sexual way), prodded, dye shot in me, all sorts of things. And my brain could not understand why I was having periods and not being fertile. I thought that was the whole point.

I am going to spare the details and the diagnosis. Let's just say that if I do get pregnant, it will either be a miracle or . . . . Well, let's stick with the miracle.

Sorry – not fun, no cum. Well, unless you count hubbie filling up the specimen jar. Just a bit of pain.

I know we can adopt – but because of other things (my infidelity), we have sort of put children off. We now need to work on us. Discovering each other again. Healing from my bonehead choices.

I don't want consoling or bemoaning. Just a lesson: sometimes we think we control everything. You know, we don't. We can point to dumb luck, karma, or God – and take your pick. I prefer to think that God knew I was not ready for kids at the time. Still not ready, I think.

23 comments:

Video X said...

i love your hater compliments. they are awesome. i'm not good at that.

kids can be overated anyway ;) i did it backwards...had the kid...but never got married...his dad and i were together for about close to 3 yrs before i got pregnant. but i told him to get out when tyler was still under 2 yrs old. his dad is very involved and we have a good relationship cocerning my son now. only child (not a good thing i've learned). now that he's 10 going on 16 (teenager attitude) youre welcome to borrow him anytime you want.

but seriously...i am sorry for your mental fucking that occurred when you went thru that stuff...i know it's terrible...well, i dont know, but i've had some pretty close friends go thru similar things and it was awful.

Sassy said...

This is a wonderful post Leesa...it really struck me somewhere in my heart today. I'm sorry you had to find out such a crappy situation, but every time I read your blog I admire you more and more...so many other couples wouldn't have survived what you and your husband have. :)

mal said...

Our problem was just the opposite, too much fertility. The famous quote from the O.H....."you are what?" As we struggled with the pressures of children, there were times over the years I regretted the easy fertility. Do not get me wrong, our daughters are wonderful young ladies, but there were times life would have been easier without the responsibility

This is one of the more poignant blog entries I have read of late. Thank you for the glimpse of the other side

~Deb said...

I totally believe that if God has children for you in His will, it will be done. Maybe you two need to be at this stage, because it seems to me you have a great marriage life. Sometimes when people have babies------that's it-----no more sex-----no time-----more resentment----- get it?

So, maybe this is a blessing in disguise, and yes, there are many other options out there for you.

Thanks for sharing this. :)

Joe said...

My ex and I went down that road ourselves Leesa, and I remember how painful it was. Thanks for putting into words what I've never been able to.

Grant said...

I've never been struck with the desire for children except to shut my family up. They're old school Southern, meaning your life is successful if you live at home but have been divorced and have a couple of children with shared custody. When I was in my twenties, my grandmother tried to console me by telling me (in a scandalized voice) that one of my cousins didn't marry until he was thirty. I don't talk to my family anymore, so problem solved.

Thomas said...

My wife is in a similar condition, infertile for no reasons. The bad part is that it's removed her desire for anything sexual.

You're smart to wait to take vitamins and such until your relationship is back on track. I feel the same way, but there are a few bloggers out there that stir a wandering urge in the pit of my stomach.

sjblogger said...

I hate when people ask me and my wife when we will start having kids. I always felt it as an invasion of privacy, and sometimes almost accusatory, as if we are a bad couple for not starting after less than two years.

But maybe now I will take it in stride and look at it differently.

Thank you once again for making me look at something from the other side!

Mark said...

Leesa -- My daughter is 17, and the years have really flown by. We decided to have one child, and I have no regrets. Maybe we are just lucky, but she's a joy to be with, and I am going to seriously miss her when she goes off to college next fall.
On the other, maybe then my wife and I can have sex anywhere anytime in the house after she goes off to school.

Georgiapeach said...

My sister is unable to have children. She is one of the most sweetest and more deserving woman in the world. Every time she talks about it, I can tell it hurts her. It hurts me. She always says that she will just be an Auntie, and I have to force her to stop saying that and tell her she WILL be able to have children by the grace of God. The inability to not have any children, I know is painful for those who do. I respect any woman who has the courage to talk about this. My sister disease gives her body symptoms that pregnant women have. The weight gain, the lack of menstrual cycles, and the nausea. Her body constantly thinks it is pregnant and she has to live the rest of her life like this. On top ot the fact that she may not be able to have children. The strength that women like you carry is remarkable. I have seen it first hand. A lot of women like you always have smiles on your faces, and beautiful attitudes. While others who aren't going through anything at all do not. This post was so sincere. Thank you so much. I never realized how having children was such a blessing until my sister was diagnosed. I hope that miracle occurs for you. I truly do. Like I told my sister, God put you on this earth for a reason. I told her that if she doesn't have children, she can adopt a child who's mother did not realize her blessing.

Katherine Tiberghien said...

Just because doctors say you cant have children does not make it so. They are DOCTORS, they get it wrong all the time! However, that does not have to stop you from being a mom. Many ways to do it, kidnapping included, ok, maybe not because it is illegal and stuff, but you know what I mean.

Hell, I have two daughters that I can send over at anytime if you wanna borrow one or two. I suggest one at a time though, never together. :)

Nova said...

This was a very thought provoking post Leesa. While I could never feel your pain, I do offer my sympathies. I guess because I've never really cared whether or not I became a father that the magnitude of such a diagnosis never occurred to me.

Leesa said...

vid X: thanks. I feel like a freakin' cat sometimes. Hard to type tone in my entries.

sassy: thanks.

mallary: thanks. I just finished my Monday post (in draft form now). Not sure it can top this one, but I shed more tears when writing it. It is amazing what is left on the page - tears, blood, pain, heartache . . . sometimes.

deb: I understand where you are coming from. I did not always believe as I do now. This has actually brought me closer to God, if that makes any sense. [no offense to the non-believers in the room]

joe: thanks for the compliment

grant: my little brother used to come to my defense (he would say, "You want grandkids? I can give you lots." He was single and in high school at the time.) How I love him for that.

thomas: I am so sorry for you, I really am. I went through the no-sex phase as well.

sjblogger: yes, an invasion of privacy. I forgot to write about that.

mark: I hope you know how lucky you are, sweets!

GP: how aweful for your sister.

katherine: Yeah, kidnapping is bad; thanks for offering up your munchkins.

nova: thanks; for a while, I thought it might have been ego, but after reflecting, that is not it at all.

Prata said...

*inserts his condemnation of God*

Jokes jokes, see a zen buddhist _can_ be humorous! Seriously though, if your trials have brought you a larger sense of peace; that is something to be pleased about. Not all people can find peace after trials. Instead they become bitter and hateful.

Yoga Korunta said...

Leesa, I don't have children and have never regretted it. My friends are mostly couples who don't have children-mostly by choice.

Deb said...

although it seems a lot of people tell you otherwise - repeat after me... there is nothing wrong with not having children. strange tho that some people that DO have children shouldn't. *hugs*

Slut Betty said...

I know you said you don't want consoling or bemoaning... so I won't... but I will say I am sorry to hear this... your entry today really made me think... I am thankful for the daughter I have (yes just the one child)... she is precious... and she's the joy in my life... arguements (she's a teen) and all :-)
There is never a "right time" to have kids... and I second what deb (above me) said... there is nothing wrong with not having kids... it's just sad (as she also said) that some that can have kids shouldn't have them.
*hugs to you Leesa*

Byron said...

Leesa you are a goddess.Wow just read a lot of you site and i am so hard.Never met a woman with such interests...so similar to mine.If you have time come to my side

http://pathsoverlives.blogspot.com/

kathi said...

leesa ~ Went through the same things, 100%. Went through all the tube dye (maybe 5 times), all the drugs...they kept telling me to give up and adopt, that I couldn't concieve. I had endemitriosis, had 3 surgeries scraping scars out... But I'm a believer and the Word told me I could have children. I confessed this every single day for 5 years. I'd tell the Dr's and they'd pat my hand, and say...look at the test results. I went to work one day and the scripture on my calendar was 'Sarah laughed' and something clicked. I went home and took a test and I was pregnant. Dr's took 3 tests, cause they said it was impossible. Wanted to tell them to STFU, but I just smiled. I had a cyst develope and it weighed around 10 pounds (on an ovary) and they waited till I was as far into my 1st trimester to remove it so the baby would have any chance to survive... Hon, I don't care what those tests said, I rebuked that cyst and the day before surgery at the prep tests, it had disappeared. When Casey was born they told me I was so scarred they should do a hysterectomy cause I'd never have another child. Nine months later I was pregnant with Charlie and when he was born they wanted to put me on birth control because obviously I was very fertile, LOL.
Point is, I had to wait nearly 10 years for some reason to have kids from when I first wanted them. Now, I know why and that's not something to take up your space telling you about now. But, babe, God will always fulfill His promises, we just need to know what they are to claim them and thank Him for them in advance because that is showing our faith.
I understand the hurting. I couldn't even go to the mall because it hurt to see all the babies in strollers. I'm praying for you now...setting those angels into flight, sugar.

kathi said...

leesa ~ Went through the same things, 100%. Went through all the tube dye (maybe 5 times), all the drugs...they kept telling me to give up and adopt, that I couldn't concieve. I had endemitriosis, had 3 surgeries scraping scars out... But I'm a believer and the Word told me I could have children. I confessed this every single day for 5 years. I'd tell the Dr's and they'd pat my hand, and say...look at the test results. I went to work one day and the scripture on my calendar was 'Sarah laughed' and something clicked. I went home and took a test and I was pregnant. Dr's took 3 tests, cause they said it was impossible. Wanted to tell them to STFU, but I just smiled. I had a cyst develope and it weighed around 10 pounds (on an ovary) and they waited till I was as far into my 1st trimester to remove it so the baby would have any chance to survive... Hon, I don't care what those tests said, I rebuked that cyst and the day before surgery at the prep tests, it had disappeared. When Casey was born they told me I was so scarred they should do a hysterectomy cause I'd never have another child. Nine months later I was pregnant with Charlie and when he was born they wanted to put me on birth control because obviously I was very fertile, LOL.
Point is, I had to wait nearly 10 years for some reason to have kids from when I first wanted them. Now, I know why and that's not something to take up your space telling you about now. But, babe, God will always fulfill His promises, we just need to know what they are to claim them and thank Him for them in advance because that is showing our faith.
I understand the hurting. I couldn't even go to the mall because it hurt to see all the babies in strollers. I'm praying for you now...setting those angels into flight, sugar.

Flygirl said...

Thanks for dropping by Leesa. It's always good to make new connections. Particularly with people that maybe know how we're feeling.

I wonder if you are undergoing any treatment at this point? My next stop will be IUI if the Clomid doesn't work.

Anyway, wishing you the best.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Not sure if you'll get this comment or not, being as it's now April but that's almost EXACTLY what The PK and I went thru. The only test he had to endure was ejacuation in a cup. (Lucky bastard!!!;) I could be really really bitter about that whole damn situation considering that one of the three surgeries I had involved a whole two weeks off of work and the feeling like someone had filled my abdomen with shards of broken glass every time I so much as moved a toe, but, in the end, it was all me anyway. I'm the infertile one....not that it really matters but...you know.

And The PK and I tried to adopt...but the parents changed their minds at the last minute. Not only did it break my heart but we lost some money in the deal too...money we couldn't afford to lose. So I said "Fuck it. It just must be meant to be that I never become a mom."

I have to admit, I was a step-mom to The Pk's daughter but we hardly ever got to see her. Maybe once a month for one or two evenings...but, unless you get to be step-mom when they're little, it's never the same. Heather (my step-daughter) was about 7 or 8 when The PK and I got married...I think her mother pretty much dissed me from the start (even though The PK and his ex were divorced before I met him) and we never really got close like I see some step-mom and step-daughters. Whatever...no skin off my nose.

I can live with that. There are some definite advantages....that's what I always try to look at anyway.

Thanks for posting what you did on my blog....I wouldn't wish infertility on anyone who wanted a child...but it is kind of comforting to know that you're not out there all alone in the situation...that there are indeed others out there who are going thru the same things and feeling you are.

JD said...

Leesa, another great post. it's not about the biological thing, so adoption would be very cool, whenever you're ready. the best part is taking a young soul and nurturing it, educating it, and realizing when they're a dozen or so years old, they're just as fucked up as you are. just kidding. i do get a kick out of seeing how much our kids are like us, both good and bad. it's really funny. the older they get, the more i'm enjoying time with them. yes, the oldest pms'ing can get tedious, and the middle one on the phone constantly with all his girlfriends can piss me off, or the youngest drama queen throwing a hissy fit. but then i realize, they are just mini versions of my wife and i. and then they do something incredible that causes some lady who can't stand us to come over to tell my wife how great one of our kids was on a school trip. maybe it's the thought that someday, one of the kids you've raised might do something great for humanity. then again, i'll be happy if your youngest makes it to adulthood without therapy. ;)

Leesa, things happen for a reason. sometimes it's hard to fathom, but in the end, it will all work out. :)

sending all my good kharma your way. don't worry, my kids will refill me with their kharma, i got plenty. :)