Okay, like I said yesterday, I am not in the Christmas spirit. I am just not. But I thought of something clever; clever idea, let's see if Ms. Leesa can deliver. I thought it would be fun to list items that I would give you – if money was no object. And the cost of the object would in no way reflect how valuable you are to me.
Ddot would be hard to shop for, but I would want to buy ddot some sexy undies. Not because I think he needs them – I just like the idea of him getting his game on and perhaps thinking of me, if for a brief moment. In real life, I would probably buy him a sweater. I love buying sweaters, so it sucks that I live in Georgia (where we only need sweaters for like a month).
Season tickets to the Redskins. Heck, if cost is no object, how about Box Seats; and if the 'skins are going to the playoffs, I will cough up some money for the playoffs. 4 tickets so you can tease your friends on who gets to go.
I would like to buy Ms. Peach a pole for her bedroom. GP wrote recently about wanting a stripper pole in her bedroom, and I laughed for hours. I would buy her one for two reasons – so see the look on her face when she gets it, and two, because I think she might videotape a dance and place it on her blog. As Mastercard suggests: priceless.
I would buy Storm a leather journal and a matching pen. I love the way she writes, and I would want her to write in a notebook, whenever she did not have access to a computer. I was thinking of getting a clasp to lock up her thoughts, but I thought better of it. I don't want her to lock up her thoughts.
VX needs a boyfriend. But in the US, you can't buy boyfriends. So I would get her one day at a spa – full treatment, including massage. Hey, the massage is better than a boyfriend, because you don't have to give the masseur a blowjob afterwards. Well, I guess you could if you wanted. Check with the rules before trying this, VX.
I would buy Thomas a weekend on the Cumberland Islands in Georgia at the Greyfield Inn (think Carnegie's). He and wife could play all weekend.
I would get Muse the famous Victoria's Secret bra. Personally, I would sell the $15 Million Dollar bra, but I think she would like to tease hubbie with it. Some would think this would be wasteful – maybe it is. But just think how you would feel in this much luxury. Maybe I could borrow it if Muse is a 36C!
I would buy Lilac Thief a coupon book for 12 nights out – babysitter included – so she could kick up her heals one day per month. Sort of re-juice her batteries.
I would buy Kathi a state-of-the-art digital camera. I would love to see the pictures she takes of the world through her eyes. Plus she can snap and share pics of the kids with us.
I would have Deb's blog published in book form – just one copy, so that she remembers what she was blogging about in her old age. Many years from now, but something a little more permanent than the Internet. And she would not have to edit it herself. That would be the real gift.
I would buy Dax a new shotgun and set him up on a guided hunt. Heck, the guide would even clean the game. Note to Animal Rights Activists: No animal was harmed in the typing of this post.
I would buy Mark a lens that he always wanted, maybe two lenses. If there was a Zeiss to fit his camera, I would probably pick that brand. I hear the lenses are exquisite. And I would love to see his pictures as well. Kathi for her subjects, Mark for his artistry.
I would get Prata the 100 Greatest Novels, listed by Random House. Okay, he may have some of these. But I doubt he has all of them. And I would also get him the biggest, fattest dictionary I could find. Just because.
I want to give kyuball a camera, too. One of those small, digital cameras that he can keep in his car and take pictures of things to amuse his blog public. I am sure he sees lots on the road, and this would be a fast way to document the occurrences he sees. I think it would be a hoot.
I would want to buy Ken a John boat. He is from Louisiana, and I just think of slate grey John boats when I think of Louisiana.
I would buy Mallory a miniature oil derrick for her front yard. Not a tacky oil derrick, but a really nice one. The parts would move but it would not pump out real oil. I would hate it if her house was swallowed up by a sink hole. And I would feel partially to blame as well.
A trip to Disneyworld for Mwabi and the kids. Okay, Disney is commercial as all get out, but it is still a fun place for kids of all ages. Acuna Matata.
I would get Boris a tape recorder. I think Boris is the kind of guy that has lots of thoughts all day. And I don't want those thoughts escaping. Plus he lives in a small town. I would love him to, after getting back in his car or truck, and hitting the record button, saying, "Oh, Ms. So and So, ran into her today. She told the most interesting . . . .' I just want Americana to be captured.
I would buy Monica a beautiful black dress – she probably has three already. But this one would look like one that Grace Kelly wore once. She would turn heads. And to make it a real gift from me, a pair of crotchless panties. Nothing hits a man over the head like crotchless panties. Your hubbie can write the Thank You note.
I would have to be careful with Grant's gift. Anything I gave him might be used in a different way than the original directions would suggest. Any gag gifts would be used on innocents.
I would set The Seeker up with a literary agent. I just want to read the book he comes up with. So this gift is more for me than he. Perhaps that and a blow up doll to decorate his office. It could be his Leesa Doll, and he could dress it up for different occasions.
I would buy Joe a tuxedo. I love tuxedos but hardly anyone owns one. Joe needs a tux, and I want him to wear it on dates. It would make the girl feel special too, not that she would not feel special when she is out with Joe.
I would like to buy Greg a new computer. Probably a new Dell. Something not too snazzy though; not anything with two processors like a work station. Just something that is really fast (today). Next week it will be out of date, of course, but something that will keep on humming.
I would buy Rose some old De Sade books. They are really interesting. Very intellectually stimulating as well; I promise.
I would buy Bert a night out with the Grateful Dead. Again, more for me than for he. I just want him to have wonderful experiences and write about them.
I want to buy Lisa a see-through top, in the hopes of her wearing it on braless Tuesday. Maybe she can wear it with a camisole. Not sure I want to see nipple, but I want to see skin through the top.
I would give him $400 in cash and a three day weekend in Vegas. Then I would hope he had a good time, whether he invited his wife of not. And I would wonder what he spent the $400 on – personally, I bet on red.
I would give Mike a trip to Europe, just because. I would want him to travel for one month, partly because I would like him to experience all of the sights, sounds, smells and people he can find, partly so that the Europeans can see a nice American on vacation. I am afraid most of them representing us are not doing such a hot job. And then I would read his random thoughts.
A nice pair of binoculars. Oriole is a birder. Not for looking at Lisa's breasts through her window. Get your minds out of the gutter, gentle readers.
There is a book known as the Louis Waynai Bible. Some think it is the world's largest bible. Okay, to get the book, I would have to heist it from the Abilene Christian University's Library. Sure, the job would be easy (how much security could there be), but would this be a sin. I think so.
For DevilGyrl and Cannon Fodder, matching silk PJs. Though I have a hunch DevilGyrl sleeps a la natural.
I would give goddess 15 minutes of fame. Perhaps have a TV camera go to her house; interview her about her experiences with blogging. Just give her some exposure.
Okay, I did this post for me, not you guys. I thought it would get me in the Christmas spirit. Crap. Guess I will have to hit the eggnog later today.