Friday, April 14, 2006

Woman Finds Imperfect Mate At Outlet Mall

Looks like Giovanna has started a new venture: What if? Now, her nickname is toots, which I think is adorable. Personally, I don't want a nickname that would be confused with farts, but hey, that's me.

Anyway, we will see if this thing takes off. I have been told that Toots will pose with a beach ball and a smile if 20 people start this endeavor. But she will neither confirm nor deny this. Personally, I have created 12 different identities and have signed them all up just in case. I mean, I am not sure how big the beach ball will be, and perhaps she will be so out of breath after attempting to blow up the beach ball, she can't hold it in front of her whole bod. Life is an adventure, and I carry a safety pin. That's what I always say.

Oh, well, below is my first assignment. I had to find a headline and write something based on the title alone. Anyway, I looked on the Onion, and found this title to a news article: Woman Finds Imperfect Mate At Outlet Mall. I have not read the article, but I will write some based on the title alone. I can assure you, any similarity between the article and my tripe is coincidence.

She tapped her foot nervously on the ground, and turned her palm to her face, looking at the petite gold watch around her wrist. Where is he, she thought. Where is he?

It was 6:15 pm, and her ride was not here.

This is the third time in a month that her boyfriend forgot her. Once at a bar, once at a restaurant and now at an outlet mall. Clearly from her actions, he was telling her that other things were more important than her. Mental note: subtract five brownie points.

She looked around – where the hell was she anyway? Oh, and then she saw her sanctuary – the outlet mall. Everything was coming in clearly now. The mall.

After trying on shoes that were too expensive and uncomfortable, she decided to see what the store was next door. The only sign, on the door, was "Open." This did not reveal the nature of the store, or what was inside.

The windows were blackened, and the "Open" sign must have been purchased as an afterthought. What the hell, the thought to herself, if her boyfriend was going to be late, he was going to have to find her sweat ass.

Entering the store with a bit of trepidation, she saw that the walls were black, perhaps charcoal grey, and a short man with thick glasses stood at attention behind a podium. He was waiting for her, it seemed.

"Y--es. May I help you," the man said, spending much time enunciating the "Y" in "Yes" and emphasizing the word "I" as if he was the only one in the word who could help her.

Through the conversation that followed, the woman learned that this man with a thick, hard-to-place accent had just opened a mail-order-groom business. In an outlet mall, no less.

The woman's thoughts at first were of disbelief. She immediately scanned for cameras, first thinking "Candid Camera" and then thinking "Sting Operation."

"I know your zoom is ticking," the man continued.

"Pardon," the lady offered.

"I know your womb is ticking," she deciphered from the man's words, "What it is you would like, Miss."

There was some calmness to his voice, and she began to let her guard down.

"I don't know how to answer your question," she finally said. It was a true statement, but it did not reveal too much. She did not want to hope.

"I want an honest man," she started. All women want honest men. But she added, "Honest, but kind." She wanted him to tell her what he was thinking, but not if it involved sexual acts with Playboy playmates or that she really did look fat in a dress.

She continued with the description, telling this stranger her ideal man. All the while, the man wrote in his little notepad, as if a waitperson was taking a meal order. She continued and continued, and then the man looked a bit annoyed, and then stopped writing all together.

"Ma'am," he interrupted, "how much would you like to spend on your mate?"

She froze, and then thought – did she want to mortgage the house for a man? Did she want to go into debt for a custom-ordered honey?

By the end of the transaction, she left with a receipt for her mate, imperfect though he was. She did not want to leave empty-handed. He was two-thirds off, she thought to herself, and if she did not like him, she could always return him. After wiping him off, that is.


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mal said...

you been reading Ray Bradbury again? *G*

BBB_0202020 said...

i wonder if i would mortgage a house for a man...interesting concept

Heather said...

I was with you til the end, was the mail order groom a dildo? lol OK, it's way too late for me to be reading blogs..

kathi said...

heather ~ ewwww, returning a dildo just gave me the eebie jeebies...

leesa ~ thanks for the direction to Giovannas blog, really enjoyed myself there.
I liked your story, what a concept of mail order groom stores at an outlet mall. Too funny.

Leesa said...

sara: thanks for the spam.

mallory: I haven't touched Ray Bradbury in years. Probably too many years.

tigerkiss: If a good handyman is $40/hr, then I thought a good hubbie would be out of my price range.

heather: hey, Calluna vulgaris. I would love to be named after an herb. I want to know the name of the song on your site. Oh, and I am sorry about the ending - I was wondering how to end the very short story. Had I had more time, I think I would have ended it a bit differently.

kathi: the title just guided me there. This is a little bit of doodling.

Heather said...

damn time constraints.. The song is called My Immortal by Evanescense

Grant said...

"Personally, I don't want a nickname that would be confused with farts" - lol. Okay, not really, I don't actually laugh out loud unless people are looking and noticing I'm not acting like they expect, but that was still very funny.

It reminds me of a reporter I saw on TV in Birmingham named (really) Wendy Tush. Lovely woman, but I can't imagine going through life with a name that sounds like "Gassy Butt."

~Deb said...

I'm just hoping there isn't a market for 'used mate stores' in our outlets where I live. That's an unsettling thought, isn't it?

~Deb said...

For the record, I had to read this twice because I'm such a dimwit.

Leesa said...

heather: have a wonderful Easter. Enjoy the kiddos.

grant: bad sign, you made a comment on the set-up, not the story.

~deb: perhaps you had to read this twice because it was not well-written. Guess I have to read it now to see if it makes sense.

Joe said...

You're going to want to check that groom carefully to see exactly where they took that two-thirds off.

Ann Alsex said...

Two thirds off the price and not the prize I hope!

Camilla said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Leesa said...

joe: you know, I would have never thought of that.

ann: many prizes in a good hubbie.

Askinstoo said...

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Kim's Life said...

Love the the story. Very entertaining. Should have been adding two-thirds. LOL ;)

Mark said...

Geez, I'm priceless ;)

fatty ~ said...

2/3 off - it'll do? right?

like they say - don't fix what aint broken =D

LisaBinDaCity said...

Just goes to show that men and women definitely do not speak the same language ;-)

Christian said...

Fun story. I really enjoy reading your posts and I am also a big fan of the Onion's humor.

Kim's Life said...

Happy Easter Leesa. Have a good one.

Liz said...

LOL Very clever.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

NO! Don't do it...don't mortgage the house!!!

I wouldn't!


Leesa said...

kim's life: thanks, sweetie.

mark: looks like a MasterCard commercial to me.

fatty: thanks, sweetie.

lisa: the point of the story, men and women don't speak the same language

kim's life: have a good Easter, too!

liz: thanks, sweetie.

stacey: I wonder if I mortgaged the house if the new hubbie could help pay for it.

Leesa said...

christian: I have not read the Onion in years. This story is original, but as I recall, the Onion's articles are entertaining as well.

Georgiapeach said...

lol@ Stacey. Those types of items are nonrefundable At least that's what I have always been

Georgiapeach said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Christian said...

I hope you didn't misunderstand my comment. I wasn't iintending to imply it was borrowed from the Onion. I often adapt the Onion style over at my other site; the style of humor appeals to me a lot.. I knew your story was original...and interseting

Leesa said...

GP: thanks for the comments.

chistian: not sure I adapted the Onion's style, since I have not read their stuff in years. Someone mentioned Ray Bradbury - and if I subconsciously stole something, it is from Bradbury (since I have probably read more of him than the Onion). Sorry for the confusion, all because of me.

TrappedInColorado said...

Geesh.. I must be turning into a Puritan. I did not get "dildo" out of that story at all... I thought it was fun and would make for a short (10 min) indie type subject to be shown at the Sundance Film Festivel. I would have Toni Collette play the woman.. or maybe Catherine Keener. Think about it, Leesa! ;) And if you could get Anthony Hopkins to play the shop owner! Wow!


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Askinstoo said...

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I made over $900 last month having fun!
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