Friday, April 28, 2006

Mud-wrestling on family vacations

When I was growing up, we, as a family, would travel to a nearby state most summers. Many families do this, I know. So far not a compelling story.

We were not a wealthy family – we had relatives who lived near the water, and the vacation was extremely reasonable. One night, however, we would go – all of us, which totaled two tables normally – cousins, grandparents, etc. – to a restaurant. It was the same seafood restaurant, and we would have a nice meal. Grandfather’s treat, every summer. Again, so far not a "grant-like" story.

Then, when I was a teenager, we noticed a new message on the magnetic sign under the name of the “non chain” restaurant: MUD WRESTLING WED. Here this family-friendly restaurant was hosting mud-wrestling contests each Wednesday evening.

I really did not know much about mud-wrestling, and, unfortunately, here is where the story ends. We probably could not have attended the “performances” since we were less than eighteen. Well, grandfather was older than 18. So were our parents. But taking us there would probably have been classified as “contributing to the delinquency of minors.” So instead, we turned 18, went to college, and became delinquents that were legally responsible for our actions. I am guessing corrupting minors has less of a downside, from the legal perspective. Well, except that you are breaking laws, morals and standard decency. Our world is so much of a give-take, and sometimes you have to break a few eggs in order to make a good cake. How is that for a mixed trite metaphor?

And this mud-wrestling scenario got me to thinking, “I could never be a professional mud-wrestler or a porn “actress” because of a condition I have: OCD. A few weeks ago, I was chatting with someone who will remain nameless about mud-wrestling as a means of dispute resolution (that has a side benefit of generating cash flow). And I would absolutely suck at mud wrestling for the following reasons:

1. I don’t like getting dirty, and because of this discomfort, I am not sure I would whole-heartedly engage in the effort.

2. I don’t like my hair being pulled. As much as I delude myself in believing I am a bad-ass, I am a bit of a wimp and I don’t like my hair being pulled. I can see making a rule about not hair-pulling, but I am also very competitive, and if I was not wrestling a Catholic nun, I am fairly certain I would be pulling out hair by the fistfuls.

3. I am modest. Although I have never seen mud wrestling, I am fairly certain that the uniform involves bikinis, string-bikinis. And once my top was pulled off, I am sure I would be clutching my breasts with my hands. So I would have muddy, yucky hair plastered to my breasts. How attractive would that be?

4. I am strong for a girl, but let’s face it, I have a limited reach. If my reach is less than my opponent, she has the advantage. So my top would be coming off first, even if I were trying to scalp her because of my competitiveness and lack of ethics.
That being said, at least I don’t think the police would bother me. I mean, I don’t want to introduce handcuffs into the equation.

I would want to be able to pick my own opponent. I was looking at the blogs I normally read, and wanted to tell you whose female ass I could kick. And looking over the list, I am sorry to say that I would probably lose to them all. Unless ~deb trips first. I have heard that she is quite a klutz. Perhaps if I get her drunk first. Either that, or I need to find a patsy and train with prata. I hear prata excels at causing maximum pain with minimum effort.

33 comments:

GirlGoyle said...

Mud wrestling and OCD...how do you come up with this stuff? LOL. This was great! But seeing that you don't like to get muddy my money would be on Deb.

TrappedInColorado said...

Well, thank you very much! It's 3:30 AM, just wanted to check to see if anyone was online to help me pass the time and I read this! The visuals! My God! The visuals! Can't sleep. Too aroused. Let me say this. To see you and Deb mud wrestle I would get a 2nd mortgage and close out my 401k.

I really love your sense of humor, Leesa.

Peace

Leesa said...

girlgoyle: I think ~deb is more OC than I am!

trapped: I think ~deb has a better reach than I have. If she doesn't trip, I will get my butt beat.

mal said...

Aw heck, GO for it! and let me know when, where and how much the tickets are!

Mark said...

Oh cum on, you know you'd try jello wrestling instead. With whipped cream and a cherry on top...

Dr. Deborah Serani said...

I'd bet money on you to win with any opponent!!!!

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

I'm with you on #'s 2 & 3. My Dad used to grab me by the hair as a kid (when I did something wrong) and I ALWAYS hated that.

And I KNOW I'd fight dirty...;)

Pittchick said...

My question is, why are guys so fascinated to watch women participate in this?
The "Girls on Film" video was running through my mind as I was reading your post!

Grant said...

Your links are kind of wonky. They all look like they're pointing to your blog with the intended destination in quotes which sends me to a Google "404 Page Not Found" page.

I think you could take ~Deb if for no other reason than the OCD issue. While you're grossing out, she'll likely go catatonic. If she manages to stay conscious, just lick your fingers and threaten to touch her if she doesn't submit.

Puffin said...

ROFLMAO! The curiosity never got to you...You never wanted to go see what your parents AND grandparents were going to see?

Georgiapeach said...

Um......Leesa. If you are going to be up that early in the morning, can you write an erotic short story please?

Lmao@ the last paragraph!

I think mud wrestling would be great for you. Maybe it would help you overcome it. The couple of weeks back I got anxiety because I had to do something that would cause massive germs on my hands. But I pushed myself to do it, despite the fact that I was losing it on the inside. Afterward, I felt so good. I felt really strong. I almost had an axiety attack again the other day, when my friends asked me to climb up this ladder with them to get ontop of a roof. But I pushed myself to get up there and even pushed myself to get down.
I wrote in a post one time about me making myself sick. Well, I didn't go into details on what I do, but it's really wacky, I promise you. Anyway, I find myself doing it all the time still, even though I thought I was over it. Anyway, I have learned to look pass my crazy thoughts, and suppress the thoughts that make me sick.
What the hell am I babbling about?

mal said...

I just realized it is probably a good thing mud wrestling was not around when I was a teen. I suspect my brothers would have been entering me in competitions and keeping the money

Lara said...

I'm a klutz too, but you've now lost your edge there cause I'd plaster your hair with mud and then pull your top off.

So there!

Leesa said...

girlgoyle: for this one, someone suggested I mud-wrestle another Leesa. And since I am OCD, my first thought was, "I would need a shower right after getting out of the pit."

mallory: Like Shakira, I would keep the tickets reasonably priced.

mark: at least with Jello, I could snack. But sugar and gelatin sounds less appealing tham mud.

dr. ~deb: I am committed to excellence. Thanks, sweet pea!

PK: ouch. Know how you feel.

dna: I have no earthly idea how men's minds work. I mean, why mud? Why cat fights?

grant: thanks for the links problem. I guess I was linking to some FBI computer. Not. Smart quotes on a different computer. Yuck. I hate Microsoft.

puffin: You know, I never thought if they were gone on Wednesday evenings.

mallory: I am not older than you, am I?

lara: guess I have lost my edge. Sounds like you wouldn't stop with my top, babe!

Edtime Stories said...

Ah mudwrestling reminds me of the late great John Candy in Stripes. Now that was classic film.

Jenny said...

I'm with you, Leesa. Though I would absolutely go for hair pulling first, the aggression would soon be halted as I tried to sling the hair clinging to my hands off as quickly as possible. That's when I'd get my ass kicked.

mal said...

Lessa, NOT HARDLY! *L* I graduated college in 76. I am fairly sure you were not into your first training bra by then *L* ..just don't call me "Grams"

~Deb said...

Oh Leesa, you know that both you and I have OCD. With that being said…. I think we would wrestle in soap suds and get all……cleaned up together….. now that’s a very very nice thought. And yes, I am the biggest klutz on the face of this earth. I trip over my own two feet. But with that being said, I’m better wrestling on the ground than I am standing up.

So bring it.

It’s on!




P.S. And as far as the "police" breaking it up, I think he would leave us alone because he's more prone to attacking those "Asian ladies"... ;)

Ian Lidster said...

For a girl to be dirty of mind when the circumstances are right is great, but not dirty of body. Doesn't do much for me. Now, lime jello wrestling, that's an entirely different thing. A fun entry, Leesa. Thanks.

Prata said...

Mud wrestling...hrmm...kinda dirty. I don't think I'd like that. However, I could teach you how to use mud to your advantage when breaking bones and doing sweeps and parries if you're fast would be excellent with a mud coated hand. It would take a particularly viscious and accurate strike though with your hands slicked to harm someone without injuring your self in the process.

Blunt strikes would work well. A liver shot would probably work extremely well on a girl. I've never actually tried it. I'll go to school tonight and see what happens with that. Girls aren't as muscular so that would probably drop any of your opponents pretty quickly. Or a throat strike. Snake fang your enemy in the throat and dance with the win. hehe

Leesa said...

Oh come on, I thought this was a great plan! I don't think I'd enjoy the hair pulling or top removal, but the mud I wouldn't mind. I guess jello doesn't sound too bad ;)

Leesa said...

ed: Never saw Stripes.

jenny: I know, not that I want my ass kicked.

mallory: although I was in training bras very early, in 1976 I was in elementary school, learning how to write.

~deb: You said you were better wrestling on the ground than on your feet; I am better - um - on my back as well.

ian: not for me at all. All that dirt.

prata: you seem so expert at this. And enthusiastic. Er, friends, right?

leesa: you would so kick my ass. even though I am slightly younger than you - you Montana Ninja Hottie!

Leesa said...

Oh, I like that title. Montana Ninja Hottie. I think I'll keep that :)

The Kept Woman said...

I was just leaving a comment on someone else's site about how I take the fun out of everything by analyzing it to death...glad to see I'm in good company! ;)

JD said...

roflmao. great post, once again. the tame (or is it lame) start made the ending all the funnier. love the way you think and write. :)

Georgiapeach said...

I feel left out :(.

Leesa said...

leesa: you are quite welcome, sweetie.

kept: so I take the fun out of everything by analyzing it. Sort of like a backwards compliment.

jd: first kept calls my stuff boring and then you call it lame. Looks like I am batting 0.134!

ga peach: I am feeling beat up (but I am really just tired). Why don't you and I grab some wine and chat about the world?

Prata said...

Leesa!

I went to school and went through the scenario, taking into account the slippery hands from mud and the possibility of a slippery striking zone. One of the girls was nice enough to remove her top (she had on a sports bra like one wears to jog you dirty minded people) and we put vegetable oil on my gloves and her gloves and I went shirtless. We also placed vegetable oil on the "fair strike" areas for the sake of testing my theory.

With gloves on it's a little more pronounced, the slipping effect I mean. You can indeed (I pulled the punches slightly for my own testing of a woman's strength prone and standing) drop a girl with a liver shot.

With bare hands, you can land a better blow because there's not as much surface area. You have to be very fast though and aim for the main mass of the body. You can't try a glancing blow you need to anticipate where your opponent is going to move and slam your hand in there. Thanks Xu for lettin' me beat up on you!

By the way everyone Xu did get even by joint locking me and throwin' me on the floor. Not bad for a 14 year old snake fist fighter. But she's been at it longer than I have, so that's my excuse ehehehehe.

Lucky Guy said...

:-)

Byron said...

wow leesa

:-)

xxx

B

Leesa said...

prata: thanks for the scientific experiments.

lucky guy and bryon: thanks!

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