Superhero Lover

I sometimes think about bizarre things. Fanciful things. Stupid things. This is one of those days.

I was thinking about superheroes, and if they were real, which super hero would be the best to bed. Here is what I came up with:

Superman
Let's face it; Superman is the biggest stud among super heroes. If I were a damsel in distress, he is the one I would want to rescue me. Unless there was kryptonite around. [You would think that the other superheroes would gather up all of the kryptonite and let Superman do the heavy lifting.] But as a lover? P-lease. First off, I would want to be number one, and we all know he has a thing for Lois Lane. Secondly, I would be a little concerned he would crush me. Know what I mean? And I would not want to be Lois Lane (how can she not know Clark Kent and Superman are not the same person?).

Batman
Batman has a lot going for him – really. He is handsome, rich, and well-mannered. But let's face it, he is a bit of a wuss. I mean, fighting villains like the "Penguin", the "Joker" and the "Riddler." He is better than many superheroes, but I would pass.

Robin
Number one: I think he is gay. Number two: see number one.

The Thing
Not sure if I got the name right, but he is one of the Fantastic Four (I have not seen the recent movie; is it out yet?). The guy who looks like he is built from a rock. He has some things going for him as well – he has broad shoulders and a big chest. Dreamy. Plus I think he would always be "hard." Hey, we are talking lover, not husband here. But I would be limited to one position – me on top, always doing the work. No thanks. I like a little more variety than he could provide. Hey, I am one tough bitch when it comes to picking a superhero lover.

Elastic Man
This is an interesting pick. Women, I wonder what an elastic penis would feel like. He can change sizes – and I would guess quickly. But he just looks like a guy who would answer the phone with his elastic long arms while he was humping me. No thank you, you inconsiderate elastic prick.

Wonder Woman
I am not a lesbian, but if I were, I am not sure I could bag Wonder Woman. I am 5'2", and she is an Amazon. She would intimidate me. Plus her breasts look like you could use them as a hat rack.

Others
Then there are the comic book characters from the 80's and onward. The X-men, Power Rangers and so forth. I don't know much about these characters, but it seems to me that they are always plural – and I am not sure I would want a bunch of superheroes having sex with me at the same time. Too confusing, potentially too painful, too weird.

Aquaman
My pick would be Aquaman. As I recall, he could be underwater for hours, doing his telepathic stuff – telling porpoises and sharks to "whale" on the bad guys (couldn't resist that pun). I would like a superhero to go down on me for hours at a time. Plus he could order up some seafood to jump into a pot of boiling water. Hey, fish eat each other all of the time – he has to know that. He shouldn't feel squeamish about making sure his main squeeze got her seafood.

Think before you comment
Okay, I admit it. I don't know too much about comic book characters. But before I get comments telling me why my blog entry does not make sense, take a minute and ask yourself, "Do I really want to be labeled as that much of a geek?" Remember, in Greece (the musical), there was a song about a "pussy wagon." No one with a comic book collection scored. It just is not natural.