What Not To Say When Someone Dies

The other day Peanut Queen discussed someone dying, and here was my answer:

You know, I used to question why this person dies and another doesn't, but knowing the answer would not make the grief any easier.

Sometimes we want to tap God on the shoulder and say, "Kill that bitch that cut me off in traffic, not that friend who brought joy in our lives with his smile and stories." I am not sure God takes our advice, for if he did, surely my lottery ticket would have won a few years ago (325 million, baby).

I feel for you, babe!

I want to correct one thing from my statement to the PQ: I think the lottery topped 350 million, before taxes, amortization schedules, deadbeat relatives and everything else. I know that 25 million is not a big deal to most of my readers, but it would be to me.

But that is not the point. Not saying the wrong thing to someone who has lost a loved one is the point.

Now, you may not know this about me (I hide it well), but I am a bit of a smarty-pants. And so when someone dies, I generally, make a joke at the expense of the bereaved. Now you may be asking yourself how to hire such a person for your next wake, but after doing this for some years, I would not recommend the tactic because even if you say something funny, well, the bereaved rarely crack a smile. Bitter SOBs.

Mostly true stories (aided by my selective memory):

Death of a "Friend"
I knew a woman who had a "friend", and by friend, I mean a friend with benefits. Well, her friend was a good ten years older than her, and he died unexpectedly. He had a heart attack.

Now how do you give your condolences when the person was a friend like that? I have no clue. What I do know is that you should not ask if the bereaved caused the heart attack (that happened, not by me, but by someone else). But I thought it. And the woman was sort of crushed for a while, sort of because she really did not feel close to him, and apparently he did not have too many close friends. Turns out she meant more to him than he to she, and that weighed on her consciousness.

And if you are a guy, volunteering your "services" is inappropriate in this setting, no matter how tempting it may be. Saying, "Need a new feck buddy" normally doesn't get you anywhere.

He is in a Better Place
I have heard many people say, "He is in a better place." And you know, the people grieving don't really care about this, from what I have noticed. He actually is in a new hole in the ground, and he doesn't even have a headstone yet (it is on back order). For the perfectionist atheist among us, that is not a better place.

And at someone's death, we do get a bit selfish. We think of our relationship to the person, how we will miss them. We don't really, or should I say, I don't really think about their spirit and that they may be in a better place. I just remember joking with them, talking with them, crying with them, and now, they are not there. I can't share, even when I see something that the person would absolutely love. "Goodness, he would have liked to see that squirrel fall from the tree. It made my side ache." Okay, I am strange.

College Roommate
When I was in college, a girl I knew died. Car accident. Suddenly.

She was the roommate of a close friend. And this is all I really remembered about her now – we used to tickle her because when she laughed, she farted. We would tickle her and make her fart.

I have known no one else with this particular skill, and this is all I really remember of her. Over the years, I wonder if we were mean to her, or if she did not like it. We only ticked her when we were all drunk. Okay, we tickled her one-hell-of-a-lot.

She had the prettiest long, brunette hair, and she farted when she laughed. Not on her headstone, but that's the stuff I remember about her. I met her parents, and although they probably knew she farted when tickled, none of us told them of that particular experience with their daughter.

I know how you are feeling . . .
The worse phrase to use would be, "I know how you are feeling." Well, the worse phrase may be, "Sorry your husband is dead; I fucked him often and he seemed dead in bed, too." I just made that one up (never used it), but you know, that is a way bad way to comfort the grieving (I am not a professional, but I think I am right on this one). But I mean, a phrase that we hear all of the time is "I know how you feel." I have had friends lose babies, and people who have been through a similar experience may say this (there are more people who have this experience than I would have ever guessed), and you know, it is not appreciated. It seems to never be appreciated.

We are all unique, and our feelings are similarly unique. People who have lost someone don't want to hear, "Been there, done that." And this phrase sometimes gets heard that way.

Appologies
I apologized to my Queen because I can be irreverent at times. I love my Church, but I joke about it. I love my president (okay, I don't know him, but I am pretty sure I would be tempted to cut out his eyes with a butter knife, and with all of the secret service, I would not be able to do so) but I joke about it.

You know, my point was to talk about what to say, and I gave examples about what not to say. Basically, when I go to funerals (the free food is often not worth the grief) I keep my mouth shut. And I cry like somebody died. Oh, yeah, someone did die.

Is it too late to erase this post?

Random Blogging Awards
The Really Fecking Blogging Awards are back. So if you want to check out the categories and email the woman responsible for this, you can nominate one of your fellow bloggers. I won (Best "free" blog- free of children that is) once, according to the award page, but I thought I won twice. Oh, well, they are stupid awards anyway. If you nominate me, I will campaign, and if you don't, I will find you in your sleep, and er, I mean, no biggie.

Where did I put my feckin' pills? And now that I have a crap post, I am looking for a nomination. That's like Chevy Chase doing "Spies Like Us" and wanting to be nominated. Or was that a good movie? Ishtar, that's the movie. It is like Chevy Chase doing Istar. Thankfully, Istar never made it to DVD (I just checked).

I wanted to adopt the phrase, "Why isn't (insert name of great movie) on DVD yet; Istar is on DVD." But I can't.