Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Football Church

Okay, this is going to be a religious post, and if you are non-religious and blame religion on the ills of the world, this post will not be for you. And, if you are deeply religious and have no sense of humor (sadly, these two traits coincide rather regularly, almost predictably), this post is not for you. Do me and yourselves a service and go to the next blog. Really.

Okay, I was at church Sunday, and something annoyed me. Okay, I am Catholic, and unlike some of my protestant brethren, we move around a lot during Mass. I secretly think that in the early days of the church, they promoted physical exercise as well as spiritual exercise because, well, there was no Splenda® back then. Anyway, we go to the alter to get communion – and that means we leave our seat, march up, and then attempt to return to our seat. "Attempt" is the key word here, and this actually leads to my annoyance. You see, our pews (for heathens who know nothing about church furniture, a pew is a large, uncomfortable bench used to keep churchgoers awake during the boring parts of Mass/church) are not labeled. That is, all of our pews look about the same, and so returning to our seat is always a challenge, because of this design issue.

Anyway, Sunday morning, I was thinking that church pews would be improved if they are labeled so we can get back to the right seat. And, by the way, for you degenerates please don't go through ladies purses while they are receiving communion. I am pretty sure that is a straight way to hell for the twelve dollars and tic-tacs you scored. And if I am wrong, oh, well, you will have to purchase your own tic-tacs, but if I am right, you avoid spending an eternity in purgatory (side note: I don't actually believe this, but you know, so many do that I figure I would just throw this in here).

During the homily (serman for non-Catholics), I was thinking about other ways to improve the Church. We had a light crowd this morning (which is good for me, easy to park and I did not have to hold my coat in my lap), and it occurred to me that it might have been because it was "Championship Sunday." When the heck did they start labeling all of the various playoff Sundays?

Oh, well, back to my train of thought. If church was more like attending a football game, perhaps people would actually look forward to church (pssssssssss, God, I love going to church each Sunday. Or should I be speaking to Saint Peter? Is he the one that maintains your naughty and nice list? Oh, that is Santa. I mean your heaven or hell list?). But some people don't like going to church. This would bring in some of those on the fringe back into the fold. Since I am on the fringe with football, I think I can speak to this in an intelligent manner.

Football games have concessions. And for some of us, concessions are great. Can you imagine sitting in your pew, and being able to flag down a peanut guy? Hell, er, I mean heck (psssssssssss, God, saying hell is okay, right? I wasn't implying that I was doing advertising for the devil, God, honest.), wouldn't it be sort of cool to see peanuts flying in the air. And for an obnoxious kid, I would buy him some peanuts to shut him up.

And for hubbie, he would be able to buy beer on tap. That would be his treat for listening to a sermon on temperance. Well, not really (we are Catholic), but you get the idea. Perhaps one of the sermons on poking your eyes out when you lust after women. Do I have to poke my eyes out, too? I often wondered that. Well, not often.

And I am not sure that the church ought to have cheerleaders, but if they said uplifting cheers, perhaps it would help. "Give me a G, give me an O, give me a D. What does that spell? What does that spell? God!"

"God, push him back, push him back, push Satan way back!"

Cheerleading can be an asset to church. And if the old men start lusting after the cheerleaders in their outfits? Guess they can go to confession. Too bad there is no longer any indulgences or this cheerleading thing could be a cash flow opportunity for the church.

The church could install scoreboards, and I know what you are thinking, we could post the weekly collections on the scoreboard. Or we could post to the number of souls saved. What would be funny as hell, er, heck (sorry, God), is posting the number of churchgoers who leave early. For Catholics, it is right after Communion, but I guess, for other denominations, you have the same problem.

In that respect, I guess football and church is about the same. You have people leaving early to beat the traffic. No matter what entertainment they are seeing.


KYCM said...

Oh Leesa,
Love your ingenuity and thought processes. Think you may be on to something here. Halftime for a quick pee break would be helpful too. Less disruption during the important parts. Enjoy your day and thanks for keeping me smiling!!


Pyth0s said...

I'm picturing religious ushers with little fast food dispensers offering the Body of Christ (PopCorn) and the blood of Christ (Beer). With a sign stating "NO PEANUTS" due to the allergic phenomenon raging the continent.

I would actually go to church at that point.

The ever amazing surmon being read while packs of popcorn and crackerjacks being flung back and forth over my head!!!

Viva Jesus!

Heather said...


I think you may be on to something..

Have a fabulous Tuesday!

Prata said...

*cracks up* That was funny. Let me just say though. I will never marry in a church, even if my SO is of the church going sort. *shudders*

Post though? High quality comedy there babe.

~ Amanda X&O said...

I'm not a church goer, but perhaps if it was like this I would be... Good thoughts.

~Deb said...

All I keep thinking about is that guy that screams, "BEER HERE!!!" at one of those baseball games. Instead, they give you a shot glass of wine. Eh- not even wine, it's grape juice now.

Leesa said...

kycm: thanks for the pee thing. I guess I did not think of that, but that would have been wonderful.

pyth0s: good suggestions!

heather: thanks, sweetie. I love Tuesdays.

prata: I am glad you enjoyed it.

amanda: coming to a Church near you!

~deb: oh, you read this one. Ooops. Hey, it is wine in our church!

LarryLilly said...

When I was an altar boy (see my blog on details), one of the roles of an altar boy before mass started was getting the wafers ready, and to mix the wine in the large chalice. Now, MOST priests used a very lite mix of wine with watered down grape juice. Gave it color, but lite alcohol before lite alcohol for consumption was a twinkle in a brewmeisters eyes.

But the Monsignor, he took his straight up, neat, warm and full bodied. No wonder by the end of his third mass that Sunday (6 masses each Sunday, hey, this was a large parish) he was three sheets to the wind.

I always wondered why his face got a "glow" by the end of the noon mass.

Tony said...

hmmm, sounds like a growth church movement.

GW Mush said...


Did you think all this up while day-dreaming during the sermon at church? hehe

You look cute with your halo, hehe

Joe said...

I know I'd go to church a lot more frequently if it were as you described.

One more suggestion might be to turn the sip of wine into shots of Jack Daniels.

On a side note, I'm not sure that God is thrilled with the amount of time you spent psssssss-ing in His general direction.

Leesa said...

larry: I love drunk priests!

tony: yeah, I want to franchise the idea.

gw mush: I actually did.

joe: God and me, we are like this. (Leesa crosses fingers.)

mal said...

would you give each sinner 2 red flags so they could challenge a call? How would we handle instant replay?


deb s. said...

Football church! YESSSSSSSS!
This is a great post. :-)

Leesa said...

mal: I would not want to hear the phrase (over the loudspeaker), "After further review, Leesa sinned and will spend eternity in hell or have to do 4 Hail Mary's.

deb s: thanks, sweetie.

Edge said...

You outdid yourself today! Good post.