Friday, August 18, 2006

Pillars of Strength and Jello

Have you ever met someone who you knew was a wonderful person, someone who was kind and smart and handsome, someone that seemed to be at peace with himself and with the world? I have. The person I knew had a terminal illness – and still he was upbeat, warm and wonderful.

I don't understand those people.

Every time I have a "little hiccup" in my life, when things are not going well, I feel sorry for myself. And I am not just talking about crying. Crying his healthy. Crying eventually gets the yucky feelings out. I am talking about really feeling sorry for yourself – like your problems are the worse problems in the world.

And then you meet someone with what would be insurmountable problems, and you just don't understand the world.

I wrote about fear yesterday, and when I was younger, I really feared death. Not like Prata was talking about. I mean, I would see beautiful flowers and wonder if I was allergic to them, wonder if my throat would close up and I would suffocate. It wasn't that I was looking at poisonous snakes rattling around at my ankles.

Funny, is that Leesa said "I have this fear of getting a flat tire." What a bizarre fear. When I was in school, I had a fear of running out of pencils so I always had a spare. Always. Years of school with a second pencil that I never used.

All these petty fears for me, and then you meet someone staring at their own mortality, and you sort of wonder how you would be. I have met dying people before, and everyone seems to look at death differently. For me, I would wonder if my life meant anything. That's what I would think of first. Who would it be that I impacted? How would I leave my community a better place, and with Savannah, GA, there is lots of opportunity for improvement.

I have been sick lately, so I start feeling morose when I am sick. I start feeling phantom lumps in my breasts, wondering if the headache is a brain tumor. And then I meet amazing people, and wonder why little things bother me so much. It is a part of who I am, I know this, and I don't think I would trade my health for this profound incite.

On a different note, there is some evidence that JonBenet Ramsey's murderer has been found. One of those cases where I think most thought the parents were guilty. Can you imagine having someone murder your six-year-old daughter and the police target you as a person of interest? How horrible.

Yet another reason to wonder why I think my problems are so significant. What a post to lead off a weekend.


your said...

phentermine nice :)

Prata said...

Well you know Leesa. The significance of one's problems are directly proportional to world view. If you become self absorbed with and caught up with only what matters to you, which is truly a narrow view of what is actually going on in the world around's easy to get morose. You will definitely feel like your problems are insurmountable your problems are the only problems that function within the limited scope that you are working in.

That's not to say that it makes anyone a bad person for becoming this self involved. It's simply that people have a tendency to do exactly that, and it takes a bit of the rattling of one's cage to glance up and see what's going on around you.

Grant said...

It's not the weekend yet. Get back to work.

I don't feel bad for JBR's parents because they exploited her, tarted her up, and paraded her in front of crowds for their gain instead of providing her with a normal, loving childhood. Even if they didn't kill her, they made her life a tragedy long before she was murdered. They deserved the ill-will they received, and probably more than that.

And I'm one of those serene bastards you probably hate, the types that don't let my problems get me down. In my case, it's because I am immortal instead of dying. Ha ha ha! Your pitifully short lives are base entertainment to one such as I. In your collective faces - victory is mine!

Actually, I think I have to thank a homeless person (I think he was homeless, but I'm only guessing based on appearance) for my current attitude. My car was in the shop needing a new transmission, I didn't know how I was going to pay for it, the weather was yucky, I had a cold, and I sat in my heated rental car feeling the weight of the world until the man hobbled across the street in front of me, no umbrella or rain slicker, wearing dirty fatigues and walking on crutches because he was missing a leg. At that moment I realized I had nothing to gripe about, and my burdens evaporated.

mal said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
mal said...

when you have stared at the likelihood of death. When you have gone below knowing that you should get better. When you truly know that your days are numbered and you know the count. When you arrive at that point then you really understand in your gut that every day you are given is a precious gift instead of something to be endured. At that point life is very good and there are no "BAD" days.

I think I understand your friend with the terminal illness and if you ask him, I think he will agree with me.

it really is not a bad post to lead off the weekend with *S*

Miss 1999 said...

I completely understand what you're saying. I'm the same way. I will get down, feeling sorry for myself, and think the world is over. For instance, my husband is on strike, and we've been having a hard time financially. I felt it was so bad, that I just wish I were dead. Over money. There's so much more to life. I wish I could be more like the friend you mentioned.

I don't know, maybe with the anticipation of death, comes a peace we can't understand until we're there, too?

The Seeker said...

I had a series of cluster migraines about 10 years ago. After seeing tens of Drs. And yet more tests, I made a Dr. tell me what they were looking for. He paused, bit his lip and said, "We think you have MS."

Oh. My. God.

Somehow I managed to gather the strength to walk out of the room and down the hall to the elevator. Down to the next lab where the test would help them determine if that's what I had.

I was utterly alone. I had no girlfriend at the time. My family was far away. I never cried, I didn't bang my fists on the walls. I didn't wonder, 'why me?' I thought about next steps. Getting from A to B. Moving forward. I wasn't about to die, but I think I have an idea what that feels like.

There is a line Jack Nicholson delivers in his new movie. He asks a guy how his mother is. 'On her way out.' Jack says, 'We all are, live accordingly.'

Yes, live accordingly.

Video X said...

nice. i have been feeling sorry for myself lately. i will stop.

Tony said...

With the exception of Grant, we’re all going to die. Nobody knows when or where, (in most cases), so why worry about it? Worrying about it, dreading it, mulling it over is all a waste of valuable time. There’s more to life than worrying about death. THAT, I believe, is what the people who have the terminal diseases understand more than anyone else.

You got me on a roll. I’ll put the rest of my response on my blog if that’s ok with you. I had planned on doing a piece regarding humor, but as always, you’ve made me think. I thank you for that.

J R Estelle said...

I like to look at it like this. I'm better than some, worse than others, but I woke up this morning and some people didn't.

your said...

phentermine nice :)

Ddot the King said...

I have a fear of waking up and not being sexy anymore.

I think the guy saying that he killed JonBenet is a lunatic that had nothing to do with it. Unfortunately I think her mother did it.

Hey it's been a year since I started blogging and I just want to thank you for being down with the King for a year!

JD said...

my kid once ended up on the same floor of a children's hospital with all the kids who have leukemia. here are all these kids walking around with no hair, who have basically lived in this hospital for most of their lives. i couldn't believe those kids were smiling. sure put things in perspective. there's a lot more to the story, but that's enough for a Friday. have a great weekend Leesa. love your blog.

United We Lay said...

Buddhism talks about finding a way to end your suffering. The idea is basically the serenity prayer - accept what you cannot change, change the things you can, and gather all possible knowledge so that you can try and tell the difference. I think happiness comes with accepting that this is life as it is. We can't change it, we can't make it different. Some people put the control in god's hands and that works for them. Others decide that there is no control, the is only life, and we make of it what we can because it wastes too much time and energy to be miserable. That's nto to say that we shouldn't acknowledge feelings of grief, frustration, and sadness, but we shouldn't dwell on them, especially if we did nothing to cause them. If we did, then we try to learn something from the experience and move on, because at that point, what else can we really do?

Josie said...

I had leukemia 25 years ago, so I just celebrated 25 years of "remission". I know something will eventually get me, but in the meantime I have learned to enjoy life and say to hell with all the "blips" on the radar screen. People get anxious over all the small stuff, and they should learn that it doesn't really matter anyway. Yesterday's gone, tomorrow the earth could be hit by an asteroid, so just enjoy today to the fullest.

JR's Thumbprints said...

There's always someone worse off. I had 2nd stage melanoma six years ago. The doctors scared the hell out of me, but I'm going strong.

I like your intended purpose for blogging. I'm using my blog pretty much the same way. Even posted some links to published stories of mine.

Keep writing!

Leesa said...

prata: I understand the narrow world view. But if someone, let's say, had his or her entire family killed, would not that person be justified in showing sorry and perhaps morose for a while? I think my world view is not too narrow, but I still feel overwhelmed sometimes.

grant: guess it is better to be you!

mal: sounds like you have had experience with this.

miss 1999: I think a lot of people fret over money. Tragic.

seeker: wow, what an experience.

VX: good for you!

tony: I look forward to reading your blog.

jr: yes you woke up, and I guess the important thing is to see what you will do with this gift.

ddot: thanks. Now I will have to see when I have been blogging.

jd: yeah, I have seen some amazing cancer kids.

united: interesting points.

josie: a surviver. Wow!

jr's thumbprint: thanks!

Sally said...

earn money - tramadol cool blog :)

Missy said...

Hello remember me? I am glad you posted your own blog as a link on your erotica site...I havn't been posting on Missy in a while...I suffer from panic & anxiety disorder, sounds psycho but I too worry about death a lot - cancer, all the possible "what ifs", make my hubbie drive extra slow...I hate it and whenever I am stressed out it just becomes all encompassing. I am not sure what helps really except for a lot os sex, walks and maybe avoiding drinking coffee after the morning...I know what you mean about looking at others & feeling greatful for what you have - but I find when I look at the world and all the shit that is going on, I feel it waaay to much - and it adds to the stress. so I read trash like I never did before, ect...and wonder how the hell I am going to overcome this giant fear of living.
I love the way you write, by the way. I am looking forward to reading more.

SJ said...

Yeah our problems may pale in comparison with someone else's however that still doesn't solve them does it :)

ANd if I am told I am going to die I am going to live out my darker sexual fantasies before I die!

Leesa said...

missy: I get anxious from just reading your comment. I know what you mean.

sj: hmmmmmmmm. When I am nearer death, I hope to have looked at my life and thought, "wow, I sure have accomplished what I had set out to accomplish. Look at my handprints on my little corner of the world."

Missy said...

Sorry - didn't mean to stress you out :)