Monday, August 07, 2006

Evolution and Dating

Before I begin this, I want to acknowledge that none of this is based on "fact." So my apologies to Darwin. And for those of you who want to disprove evolution, please don't point to this blog entry. Now crawl back under your 4,000 year old rock and go back to sleep. I am not talking about lesbians tonguing in the Wal-Mart parking lot.

I have been reading about Grant's dating woes. I mean, he is wondering whether he should club this cute girl, take her back to his cave, and play naked Parcheesi. Okay, I am paraphrasing here, but you get the idea. Anyway, Grant sees through our "helpful hints" and intends on using his own council to woo said girl.

The conversation sort of goes like this:

Grant: I think the girl hates me. She is cute and funny but she avoids me at all costs.

Typical Response of Female Reader: You should so ask her out.

Well, Grant tends to think we are just setting him up for some catastrophe so that we will have something interesting to read about in his next blog entry, but let's face it, Grant makes working at BellSouth seem like fun. Why would we need the drama?

Women want to encourage men to ask out other women, partly because most women (myself included) would never dream of asking out a guy. So I think there is something that wants us to have men ask out women. Perhaps it is all of those Friday nights where we were not asked out, so we stayed home, or went over to a friend's house, talking about how dreamy Jimmy Dawson is. My life in high school.

You know, I would like to explain something to you. Please don't Google this, because you won't find it anywhere. Listen closely.

A long time ago, there were two types of "humanoids." One was the primitive Homo Sapiens. And the other is the Neandertals (Homo Neandertals . There have been many theories about these two closely related species – some saying that they intermarried (Neandertals are now hockey players), some say the Homo Sapiens beat the snot out of the Neandertals.

Here is what really happened. Neandertals were sort of like people of today, but their social structure had women asking men out. Yes, you heard it first here. I know that social structure is not imbedded in sandstone, but that's what happened. The women asked the men out – and, well, women are much more pickier than men. A man has bad breath, not asking the man out. A man earns one pig per month, not enough for most woman. Heck, I would want my Neandertals date to earn at least two pigs per month. A Neandertal girl has got to eat. So over time, with these picky Neandertal girls, there was not enough copulation to further the species.

Homo Sapien Men, however, will ask out lots of girls, playing the odds. They don't fear rejection, or if they fear rejection, at least the payoff offsets the fear. So why the Neandertals were dying out, the precursors of the modern man were "getting busy" because men asked out women.

I am glad I don't have to do the asking. I mean, it seems easier because you get to do the picking, but I am wondering about the rejection. It must hurt. And most women don't have to deal with that rejection. Not until he does not call.

Damn Homo Sapiens.


kathi said...

Yup, but that 'waiting while he doesn't call' is a bitch of a time, too, for women.

Tony said...

Thanks. Your post makes me glad I'm not single.
The dread of rejection is all-consuming. To expose yourself, especially to someone you really believe in, and then to be shot down..., well, I'd rather face enemy fire 'cause then it opens up the whole "what's wrong with me" issue that takes months, if not years to recover from.
Like a week old sun-baked road kill that's hard on the outside and soft and gooey on the inside, us guys aren't impervious to the pangs of emotion. We may present that hard exterior but in the inside we're just human.

I think...

Prata said...

Grant...I know you'll read this at some point. Don't do it man! Don't set yourself up for failure. Just pick her off with a blow gun and take her home. Seriously, the women are conspiring against you man!

Rafael said...

Hooray for homo sapiens.

Goddess said...

leesa, this should be published and taught in higher education! :)

Grant said...

So, what you're saying is that I need to find some Neanderthal women to hit on? Sounds good to me. As long as I can shave her before taking her out. Asian would be a bonus.

Leesa said...

kathi: completely agree.

tony: I am glad I am not single; waiting for phone calls sucks.

prata: good advice.

rafael: thanks!

goddess: yeah, but it is a conspiracy. This is pretty controversial stuff, right that it is.

grant: what is it with guys and Brazilian shavings?

cadbury_vw said...

great story

you will be pleased to know that i intend to steal it soon - it strikes me as absolutely worthy laugh material



i may or may not attribute it to "a blog i read" - anonymity being what it is


but thanks again

Natalia said...

Hmmm I don't think I have done the asking but I have always been upfront about how I feel. I just don't believe in dancing around. But rejection happens in forms other than someone saying no to coffee. :)


Video X said...

i dont think i've ever really asked anyone out. it would be scary! i wonder about the rejection too..i mean...that is a quick right now in your face rejection if they say no.

JD said...

roflmao. i never heard such an eloquent and inciteful explanation of the differences between the sexes. too funny. and maybe that explains why most men aren't that sensitive. yes, women complain about men not being sensitive enough. but imagine if we were, the first time we got rejected we'd spend said Fridays commiserating with our friends over that mean girl who said no instead of just moving on and asking out someone else. hmmm, think how much quicker the human race would die out if men were as sensitive as women... ;) great post as always Leesa.

Tony said...

Figures; I Google for pics of Wal-mart lesbians and end up here. JK

Dr. Deborah Serani said...

I agree that the dating/mating ritual is hard for guys.

Cinderella said...

I honestly have never been asked out or have asked anyone out for that matter. It just kinda happens...=/ lol

~Deb said...

You bigot! Calling us homos! I see how you are! (hehe)

Back in the primitive days, women would only date men who were broad in the shoulders (to carry their burdens) and men who were financially set or had good work. Not sure what changed there. They also would use their natural pheremones to lure them in. Use your imagination here...they were very unkept so that the male could 'sense' them.

I think Grant needs a boost in his evil Satanic self-esteem. He should know that a woman would absolutely melt if he asked them out for some raw fish and misu. He knows this. I think he's bluffing Leesa. He's being all modest.

Leesa said...

cadbury_vw: fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. Please don't steal original stuff. I am a bit passionate about this issue.

natalia: being upfront? Hmmmmm. That is an interesting tactic.

VX: we had a Sadie Hawkins dance once! Hated it! Hated it!

jd: thanks!

tony: I think you will see my next post in your Google search too!

dr. ~deb: hard for both parties.

cinderella: You said, "I honestly have never been asked out or have asked anyone out for that matter. It just kinda happens." I would recomment birth control so that "it" just doesn't happen!

~deb: you said, "Back in the primitive days, women would only date men who were broad in the shoulders." And men would only date women with wide "child-bearing" hips.

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SJ said...

I think the Neanderthal extinction theory . It sounds true.

Do you Homo Sapien females at times give enough indications to embolden the male to ask her out but stops short of actually asking him out.

They must be a very small minority but there must be gals out there who drag the mea into the cave too. Just guessing I have never been dragged anywhere :((

cadbury_vw said...

dear leesa: i meant verbally steal

i meant use as a humourous set of lines during a lunchtime or other light social occasion

if re-using your lines in that context is anathema

then i will not

Leesa said...

cadbury_vw: that'f fine. I am a little sensitive about stealing.

Look at me - I invented the Internet.

cadbury_vw said...

my apologies - i should have been more explicit in my original comments