Friday, August 25, 2006

Encore: Superhero Lover

I am out-of-town this week and I will probably not be about to post due to time constraints. So instead of saying, "be back soon" and leave it at that, I will try to dig through some of my previous (old) posts and re-run them. I have new readers and have scared off some, so this will give you an opportunity to read some of my older work.


Superhero Lover

I sometimes think about bizarre things. Fanciful things. Stupid things. This is one of those days.

I was thinking about superheroes, and if they were real, which super hero would be the best to bed. Here is what I came up with:

Let's face it; Superman is the biggest stud among super heroes. If I were a damsel in distress, he is the one I would want to rescue me. Unless there was kryptonite around. [You would think that the other superheroes would gather up all of the kryptonite and let Superman do the heavy lifting.] But as a lover? P-lease. First off, I would want to be number one, and we all know he has a thing for Lois Lane. Secondly, I would be a little concerned he would crush me. Know what I mean? And I would not want to be Lois Lane (how can she not know Clark Kent and Superman are not the same person?).

Batman has a lot going for him – really. He is handsome, rich, and well-mannered. But let's face it, he is a bit of a wuss. I mean, fighting villains like the "Penguin", the "Joker" and the "Riddler." He is better than many superheroes, but I would pass.

Number one: I think he is gay. Number two: see number one.

The Thing
Not sure if I got the name right, but he is one of the Fantastic Four (I have not seen the recent movie; is it out yet?). The guy who looks like he is built from a rock. He has some things going for him as well – he has broad shoulders and a big chest. Dreamy. Plus I think he would always be "hard." Hey, we are talking lover, not husband here. But I would be limited to one position – me on top, always doing the work. No thanks. I like a little more variety than he could provide. Hey, I am one tough bitch when it comes to picking a superhero lover.

Elastic Man
This is an interesting pick. Women, I wonder what an elastic penis would feel like. He can change sizes – and I would guess quickly. But he just looks like a guy who would answer the phone with his elastic long arms while he was humping me. No thank you, you inconsiderate elastic prick.

Wonder Woman
I am not a lesbian, but if I were, I am not sure I could bag Wonder Woman. I am 5'2", and she is an Amazon. She would intimidate me. Plus her breasts look like you could use them as a hat rack.

Then there are the comic book characters from the 80's and onward. The X-men, Power Rangers and so forth. I don't know much about these characters, but it seems to me that they are always plural – and I am not sure I would want a bunch of superheroes having sex with me at the same time. Too confusing, potentially too painful, too weird.

My pick would be Aquaman. As I recall, he could be underwater for hours, doing his telepathic stuff – telling porpoises and sharks to "whale" on the bad guys (couldn't resist that pun). I would like a superhero to go down on me for hours at a time. Plus he could order up some seafood to jump into a pot of boiling water. Hey, fish eat each other all of the time – he has to know that. He shouldn't feel squeamish about making sure his main squeeze got her seafood.

Think before you comment
Okay, I admit it. I don't know too much about comic book characters. But before I get comments telling me why my blog entry does not make sense, take a minute and ask yourself, "Do I really want to be labeled as that much of a geek?" Remember, in Greece (the musical), there was a song about a "pussy wagon." No one with a comic book collection scored. It just is not natural.


nosthegametoo said...

Wow... I'm your number one fan today.

Enjoy your vacation.

mal said...

only thing about Superman that would scare me is are his little swimmers just as powerful? Be cautious

I agree, I think Robin is gay. I mean come on, you've seen the outfit. Is that gay or what??

Lastly, us Amazons are cool! Even if all of us can't use our boobs for a work bench!

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Dr. Deborah Serani said...

Hope you enjoy your time away.
:) Deb

~ Amanda X&O said...

That's hilarious... I missed it the first time.

Cain Jones said...

Although I am a guy and a geek, I never really thought about a superhero lover until my friend Silver sat me down and forced me to watch Mallrats, which is easily Kevin Smith's best movie. When Brodie started talking about the breeding possibilities of Superman and Lois Lane, it sparked a discussion.

My friend Silver is female, and she chose Wolverine. "Other than the fact that he has metal claws, he's pretty much a normal guy, you know." Silver is a very practical girl.

Since I was a Jehovah's Witness as a child, comics were forbidden, so my list of superhero women was rather short.

The Invisible Girl from the Fantastic Four Movie was right out, as she could turn invisible and spy on me. Call me crazy, but I don't like to fart in front of girls, let alone my invisible girlfriend. It's just... akward.

The girls from the X-Men movie were even less promising. One girl can read your dirty, lustful, wandering mind, one girl can kill you with a touch, and the other was played by Halle Berry. (Sorry, I'm not a fan of her attitude in the last movie. Her haircut was nice, though.)

Which brings me to Catwoman. I'll be horribly honest here. I liked her as the normal girl, but not as the cropped-hair superhero. It's not that I'm uncomfortable around dominant woman, but come on, cats are serious creatures. Catwoman as done by Halle Berry lost control, went on a fashion rampage, and was altogether a very bad cat.

I finally settled on waiting for Raven from the Teen Titans on Cartoon Network to turn 21. Silver assures me that all of the Titans are 18, but I'm no fool.

Why Raven? Aside from the fact that she can teleport us beers from the fridge when we're marathoning Lost DVDs, she'll probably be kosher with the idea of owning a bookstore with cats and a nice sprawling apartment upstairs. Once she's out of Goth phase and is of legal drinking age, I'd totally give her my number.