Friday, July 28, 2006

The House Always Wins

Okay, yesterday Advizor made a comment on my blog and a post to match. His comment on my blog follows:

Leesa hit a real nerve with me this morning which is one of my main reasons for reading her blog first every day. My response got longer and longer and then I decided that it would be rude to take up so much space in just the comments section. But here are the first couple of paragraphs...

Leesa is asking for a balance of two personalities that most men can never live up to. Most women (OK - my wife) have so many unexpressed expectations that walking through the front door after work is like playing the lottery. Does she want me to listen, or give an answer? Does she want logic or emotion, strength or tenderness, discipline or playfulness (with our kids, you pervs... )?

I never know, NEVER KNOW, what she wants. I come into a home where she runs the house 12 hours a day while I'm at work, but that sense of control is never shared or relinquished. She sets down the rules on feeding the kids, bedtime schedules, how the dishes are done, and how the beds are made. She has a rule for everything, and then has the gall to complain that I don't act like a man and lead the house. Lead? I'm barely allowed to follow.

And as for sex, forget about "bend over and take this." If the planets aren't aligned just so, and "the Apprentice" is a rerun, and the dishes are done, and she's checked her e-mail, and if the phone doesn't ring, and her list is checked off, and if she's not "too tired" and if I haven't tripped on some emotional land mine that she left laying around the house, and if it's before 10:00, then maaaayyyyybe, just maybe we'll get it on, but nothing to aggressive, nothing "kinky", nothing new, nothing weird, just "come here and get it over with sex."

I've allowed myself to be completely neutered, and I'm miserable because of it.

I don't read other blog's comments, generally, so I wanted to place his comments so my readers, if with similar tendencies, would get an opportunity to read his comments.

In response to Advizor's message.
Advisor wonders what women want. We want you to be freaking mind readers. I have often thought, on some levels, it is easier to be a woman in the relationship than the man. And here is why.

What do men want: sex. That's it. They want money to get them more sex. They want power for the same. Once we don't give them enough sex, they buy toys. I have often thought if women gave their husbands sex more, there would be fewer bankruptcies, fewer divorces, fewer failed marriages. My hubbie does stuff he doesn't want to do because of sex. Does he want to go to dinner and a play with me? Usually not. But he knows if he does not do this every once in a while, he will have less sex.

What do women want: The hell if I know. And it is not all our fault. My hormones play havoc with my brain, and there will be times that I am bitching to my hubbie about something, and something completely different is bothering me. I'll bitch and bitch. And then hubbie is trying to solve the perceived problem, and all I really want is to bitch. Sometimes he listens – then he gets sex. Sometimes he doesn't – then we fight more and eventually have make-up sex. Okay. That makes no sense. But it is because of my freaking hormones.

Yeah, Advisor, I don't make much sense. And I want the sensitive man, the animal man, the man that can fix my garbage disposal. Yeah, I want all of it. And so far in my comments section, I have women that nod in agreement and Advisor who knows he is freakin' beat. Women are like casinos – you can't beat the house over time. And for this, we have to wear high heals, bear children and the like. For a short time, a man can be "winning." That's what a one-night stand is. Or catching me when I was fooling around. You won for a quickie during the day. Then you tried to win over time, and well, you can't beat the house. Don't even try because you will loose if it is all about sex.

Okay. Rant over. And, please men reading this. Please know that I am kidding.

I had a sex problem in my marriage at one point in time, and when you have a sex issue, 90% of the marital thought are about why we aren't doing it anymore. Well, 89% bitching about the lack of sex, 10% doing maintenance stuff like eating and cleaning the house and 1% of the time having sex. Not a particularly wonderful experience.

There was a movie a few years ago, What Women Want. Okay, it was pretend and all, but it begs the issue that Advisor is discussing. Me I can't solve the problem. I need chocolate. Or a hug. Or my hubbie pulling my hair and taking me roughly from behind.


nosthegametoo said...

I never know what women want. But I do wonder why women admonish men who cater to them, and capitulate to men who couldn't care less about what they think.

One of those mysteries I suppose. Or maybe it’s just a mystery to me.

Jay said...

What women want? I feel if you have the right woman that is easy and for quite a while over 20 years I've had the right woman and have no problem knowing what she wants. She tells me and I tell her what I want. Comunication damn it, it is that simple. When you know more about a guy you play golf with (a habit created to avoid women by the way) than your woman then you are not comunicating.

Shannon said...

I think you both make valid points...but you have to keep the relationship alive, it will die if it is not watered..plant the seed and it will grow!! (The seed being, communication, love, respect and understanding)...

Leigh said...

Thank you both for this topic. You are right Leesa, I know I want a mind reader for a partner. Someone that will know when I want to make love, or be F$*@#ed. Someone who will know when I am just venting and need him to listen, or know if I want him to fix it. I want him to know when I need him to be sensitive, or need him to be rough. I don't think this is a fair thing to ask from our simple husbands. I need to learn to appreciate the days he guesses right and stop dwelling on the days he doesn't.

Thanks Again for the eye opener.

Lee Ann said...

Yes, women's hormones seem to play a big part sometimes.
I know when I was younger and married (to my ex husband) that I could relate to Advisor's wife. He was out of town 5 of 7 days and I had a routine, which he interrupted on the weekends when he was home. I seemed to be much more irritable.
I am much more laid back now. My boyfriend and I have a great sexual relationship and I would say most of the time, he doesn't guess what I want or need because I just speak up. We don't fight very often, we just communicate.
Just makes life easier.

mal said...

2 of my sibs say much the same thing (the other one just trades in wives regularly) The OH and I do not seem to have had the same issues. Our issues have been no less painful but certainly not one of reading my mind. I wonder if flopping so many roles in our marriage might have had something to do with that?

dianne_lone said...

you dont have to guess what women wants. Just give us what we want and we will give what you deserve.. if you cant provide it, then must women divert their attention to some other things.. a few girls allow themselves to be taken fro granted.. I look for that kind of man in webdate*com.. the person who'd give me what I deserve. I hope to see him soon in webdate.

Tony said...

I had posted on how the world would be better if there were more sex (not infidelity or promiscuity), and while I was referring to a lessening of global wars due to men being satisfied and content after a sexual encounter with their partner, the same holds true within the household. There would be less fighting among spouses if there were more sex. The intimacy and passion spills over into a level of peace and contentment. If this were to happen a couple time a week just imagine how peaceful and content the world would be.

Yeah, I know, it’s just a dream. But I can dream can’t I?

Mike said...

Kinda makes me glad I'm blissfully single.

Leesa said...

Very interesting post, Leesa. I can definitely see both sides of the issue.
My husband works in California 5 days a week, only home on the weekends. Things here are run by me, and run the way I want them. He does come home and disrupt the flow.
But, we also have communication. I don't assume he knows how I feel or what I'm thinking, and the same goes for me. I think Jay said it perfectly.

Advizor said...

Jay's a wonderful optimist and I agree in theory, but his comment, "Comunication damn it, it is that simple" is too simple. I don't think that most women, present company excluded, either know what they want or are willing to ask for it, especially when it comes to sex.

Many women will tell you what they want in the kitchen, living room, and in terms of a paycheck, but few women, and certainly not my wife, will come out and say, as Leesa so eloquently put it, Or my hubbie pulling my hair and taking me roughly from behind."

About a month ago, I got home from work early, the kids went to bed early (8:30), and my wife and I sat quietly on the couch as we watched a Seinfeld episode for the 137th time. By the time we watched some bad TV, cleaned up the kitchen, straightened the house, and got ready for bed it was 11:00. I kissed her goodnight and fell asleep. The next morning she said that she wanted to go to bed earlier the night before because she was a bit horny.

WHAT? Why didn't you tell me at 8:30 when the kids went to bed and we had the time and energy to do something about it? She didn't really have an answer but implied that I should have made the 1st move.

I told her that 90% of the time I try and initiate something, I'm rejected, so why would I know, how would I know, that she was ready?

I'm a really crappy mind-reader.

Jason said...

Why does this sound familiar??? Oh yeah, almost the same thing here. One time, on vacation I made a move and got shot down faster than the Iraqi air force. So I backed off and said "fine, let her make a move." Well, that was a long time ago and I'm still waiting.

Anyone see the Chapelle show skit called "what men want?"

Ian Lidster said...

Sex is probably only 10% of a marriage, with the other elements composing 90%. And, if the sex is good for both parties, it stays at 10%. If sex is bad it assumes 90% prominence, and the other issues end up being ignored. Ironically, sex per se, rarely breaks up a marriage. In my first marriage, the sex was great, but the other stuff led to its demise. In my second marriage the sex was lousy, and that is what I remember as being the cause of the divorce, when I know it really isn't. I don't know, Leesa, if this makes sense, but it does to me.

cheers, Ian

Enemy of the Republic said...

I don't know what women want, just what we don't want. And the men don't want to hear that one.

Ironically, I just posted about Mel. I never did see that movie.

kathi said...

This is one of the discussions I'm avoiding lately, hmmmmmm, avoiding a few things lately, lol.

LeperColony said...

I don't want to make things sound too simplistic, but in my opinion, Northern Exposure got it right when Chris said that women want the same things men do, only "in nicer colors".

We have found it advantageous to mystify the other sex. It makes things more fun, after all, and foists on women the responsibility to wear the Strawberry scented gels. But the reality is, to me at least, that people are people, and in the end they all just want the same things.

Heather said...

Yeah!!!! What she said...


Leesa said...

nos: I know what you mean. And I have done the same, when I was younger.

jay: communication is key. You are right.

shannon: good points.

leigh: all we want is it all. Right?

lee ann: sometimes not being there really screws up the rhythm of the relationship.

mal: trades in wives? Wow, that sounds expensive.

dianne_lone: thanks for the commercial.

mike: funny.

leesa: I did not realize he was gone so much. The disruption can be hard on a relationship.

advisor: thanks for the comment. I was not trying to make fun of you - I need to reread my post to see what I said.

jason: my hubbie has said the same thing. Hard to get through.

ian: makes complete sense!

enemy: thanks!

kathi: sorry, sweetie.

leper: good line.

heather: thanks.

Memphis Steve said...

My wife, in the middle of screaming her head off at me, actually told me she expects me to read her mind. That was it for me. I was done arguing. I want to fly like Superman, but it ain't gonna happen, so I know not to try to start a fight with someone over it. But my wife, she doesn't grasp this. She's crazy.