Recently, I was corresponding with someone. I have probably written more e-mail in the past two weeks that I have written in six months. I just don't write many e-mails. Now I get a lot of e-mail, and most of it is from very helpful young ladies, wanting to show me their ta-tas as they pay their way through college. Now I am all for supporting local college co-eds, but $12.95 per month to be a personal friend of some 19-year-old seems a bit excessive to help these gals. Business majors, I guess.
You see, I start talking about things of substance, and before the paragraph is over, the paragraph contains "barely legal gals" and their bare breasts. What, before the diversion, I was saying was that I have been corresponding with several "blog buddies." Okay, three. But several sounds so much less reclusive. I am a hermit. Really I am.
Anyway, I was talking with one about marriage, and I thought I would clip the majority of the quote for today's entry. This does three things out of the ordinary for me: (1) it recycles words I have already written, (2) it gives you more of a peak into my personal life, and (3) I use a curse word that I normally do not use.
Without further ado, here is today's installment.
You asked, more rhetorically than not, if I will ever understand this thing called life. Sometimes that is why I think we are here on earth – with the sole purpose of discovering life. Or is that soul purpose – because the more I live, the more I think about God. Not sure if that falls into your "religion" bucket. I think there is a difference – religion deals with not only the spirit, but the Church, the organization, the politics. And when you leave all of that other stuff out (even the music, some of which is enchanting), I think the rest is important, comforting, loving.
But I don't think you have to have a belief in God to have a good marriage. It helps me through some of the tough times, but more so the times when I have friends and family die around me. I have, unfortunately experienced many losses lately.
How did I figure out how to fix my marriage? What a difficult question. At first, I was not sure it could be saved. Hubbie and I had several weeks of arguments. Not regular arguments, but "knock down drag out" arguments. Violent, not-loving arguments. Not that we got physical, but we said such hateful things. Once afterwards, we were intimate, and when he fucked me, it was like he was taking out all of his frustrations. I finally got the term, "fuck the shit out of her." Goodness, I hurt for a while.
But then things subsided. We could have not hated for too much longer – it takes so much energy. We either were going to split (something I actually thought would have been easier) or work things out. And I had help – a therapist and drugs. And being medicated, though probably necessary for a while, was awful. It made me feel no pain for sure, but I had utter apathy for things.
Hubbie and I had a conversation, a series of them. He told me he sometimes hated me for what I had done, but he wanted to move forward. I said I wanted to commit the energy to working things out, and when things got hard, I continued to re-affirm my desire to have a better marriage.
And our marriage was in trouble way before I started fucking around. It was apathy – I was married to someone where we fucked once per week and the rest of the time we were like brother and sister. And that sucked. I mean, the romance was out of our marriage. And neither of us cared enough to get mad at it.
We sometimes get back to that apathy – for a week or two at a time. But one of us kicks the other in the butt, and we get back on track. Is this the best way to have a marriage? Is it worth it? I think it is. I mean, I think it is important to grow, and I am growing as a person. Love is an action verb, and sometimes it is tough to love my hubbie. It is not the romantic notion I grew up with, but I also believed in the tooth fairy when I was a little girl. Sometimes you have to change your point of reference, your view of the world.
I don't know if any of this makes any sense. Frankly, it doesn't have to. It seems to be working for me. And it may not work for you. To sum up all of this, I can think of some works from Shakespeare (Much Ado about Nothing, Act 5 Scene 2): "Serve God, love me and mend."
Am I happy? Most of the time. But the sad times, the dips, remind me that I am usually happy, of the peaks, so to speak. Ah, fulfillment? Am I fulfilled? I don't need a man to be fulfilled. Not sure a marriage, even a good one, can provide fulfillment. Now, I know my hubbie assists with some things that make me more content. And he helps me on the discernment process, even if he does not realize it. He can be a real a-hole, and I love him, in spite of himself. That helps me become a better person.
So a long winded answer to your primary question is that I seem to have stumbled (with the cheating) and then stumbled on a way to help me save my sick and fading marriage.
You know, I think I am going to post the core of this letter on my blog. It may be trite, it may be good advice. Regardless, it may be able to encourage another to work on things. Not every marriage is worth saving, I know that. But I believe, in my heart of hearts, that it is the work we do on ourselves and on assisting others, that really makes a difference in the world.
I started writing this letter in answer to your questions, and in the end, I found something I was looking for.
That's it, except for the little lesbian pleasantries, the nuzzles, the smut, the massaging of bodacious ta-tas. You see it was too long to include all of those tantalizing remarks in them. Okay, they were never in the note. But if you want to, you can re-read the note and add in the remarks. Makes it more fun.
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