Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Glimpse of a Marriage Saved

Recently, I was corresponding with someone. I have probably written more e-mail in the past two weeks that I have written in six months. I just don't write many e-mails. Now I get a lot of e-mail, and most of it is from very helpful young ladies, wanting to show me their ta-tas as they pay their way through college. Now I am all for supporting local college co-eds, but $12.95 per month to be a personal friend of some 19-year-old seems a bit excessive to help these gals. Business majors, I guess.

You see, I start talking about things of substance, and before the paragraph is over, the paragraph contains "barely legal gals" and their bare breasts. What, before the diversion, I was saying was that I have been corresponding with several "blog buddies." Okay, three. But several sounds so much less reclusive. I am a hermit. Really I am.

Anyway, I was talking with one about marriage, and I thought I would clip the majority of the quote for today's entry. This does three things out of the ordinary for me: (1) it recycles words I have already written, (2) it gives you more of a peak into my personal life, and (3) I use a curse word that I normally do not use.

Without further ado, here is today's installment.


You asked, more rhetorically than not, if I will ever understand this thing called life. Sometimes that is why I think we are here on earth – with the sole purpose of discovering life. Or is that soul purpose – because the more I live, the more I think about God. Not sure if that falls into your "religion" bucket. I think there is a difference – religion deals with not only the spirit, but the Church, the organization, the politics. And when you leave all of that other stuff out (even the music, some of which is enchanting), I think the rest is important, comforting, loving.

But I don't think you have to have a belief in God to have a good marriage. It helps me through some of the tough times, but more so the times when I have friends and family die around me. I have, unfortunately experienced many losses lately.

How did I figure out how to fix my marriage? What a difficult question. At first, I was not sure it could be saved. Hubbie and I had several weeks of arguments. Not regular arguments, but "knock down drag out" arguments. Violent, not-loving arguments. Not that we got physical, but we said such hateful things. Once afterwards, we were intimate, and when he fucked me, it was like he was taking out all of his frustrations. I finally got the term, "fuck the shit out of her." Goodness, I hurt for a while.

But then things subsided. We could have not hated for too much longer – it takes so much energy. We either were going to split (something I actually thought would have been easier) or work things out. And I had help – a therapist and drugs. And being medicated, though probably necessary for a while, was awful. It made me feel no pain for sure, but I had utter apathy for things.

Hubbie and I had a conversation, a series of them. He told me he sometimes hated me for what I had done, but he wanted to move forward. I said I wanted to commit the energy to working things out, and when things got hard, I continued to re-affirm my desire to have a better marriage.

And our marriage was in trouble way before I started fucking around. It was apathy – I was married to someone where we fucked once per week and the rest of the time we were like brother and sister. And that sucked. I mean, the romance was out of our marriage. And neither of us cared enough to get mad at it.

We sometimes get back to that apathy – for a week or two at a time. But one of us kicks the other in the butt, and we get back on track. Is this the best way to have a marriage? Is it worth it? I think it is. I mean, I think it is important to grow, and I am growing as a person. Love is an action verb, and sometimes it is tough to love my hubbie. It is not the romantic notion I grew up with, but I also believed in the tooth fairy when I was a little girl. Sometimes you have to change your point of reference, your view of the world.

I don't know if any of this makes any sense. Frankly, it doesn't have to. It seems to be working for me. And it may not work for you. To sum up all of this, I can think of some works from Shakespeare (Much Ado about Nothing, Act 5 Scene 2): "Serve God, love me and mend."

Am I happy? Most of the time. But the sad times, the dips, remind me that I am usually happy, of the peaks, so to speak. Ah, fulfillment? Am I fulfilled? I don't need a man to be fulfilled. Not sure a marriage, even a good one, can provide fulfillment. Now, I know my hubbie assists with some things that make me more content. And he helps me on the discernment process, even if he does not realize it. He can be a real a-hole, and I love him, in spite of himself. That helps me become a better person.

So a long winded answer to your primary question is that I seem to have stumbled (with the cheating) and then stumbled on a way to help me save my sick and fading marriage.

You know, I think I am going to post the core of this letter on my blog. It may be trite, it may be good advice. Regardless, it may be able to encourage another to work on things. Not every marriage is worth saving, I know that. But I believe, in my heart of hearts, that it is the work we do on ourselves and on assisting others, that really makes a difference in the world.

I started writing this letter in answer to your questions, and in the end, I found something I was looking for.

That's it, except for the little lesbian pleasantries, the nuzzles, the smut, the massaging of bodacious ta-tas. You see it was too long to include all of those tantalizing remarks in them. Okay, they were never in the note. But if you want to, you can re-read the note and add in the remarks. Makes it more fun.

21 comments:

Joe said...

Well put, Leesa. Too many relationships fail because the couple fails to work at keeping the romance and passion alive. Sounds like you two went through some hard times while learning that lesson, but in the end it seems worth it.

Miranda said...

Im glad it worked out for you. Thats great.

Mark said...

Leesa.. I've been married to the same woman for 28 years. We have been a couple for 30. One can't have the same passion in a relationship that you have when starting out. If we did, we'd be burnt out long ago. A marriage is many things, and every couple's relationship is not the same. It's good that you worked things out, and too damn bad that you didn't work in MY workplace while you were a "bad" girl.. ;)

I'll email you later with more comments.

halo said...

Im still letting it all sink in.. Im glad you stepped outside the box and let a bit more of the real you peek out.

~Deb said...

Leesa,

I truly believe that the sexual intimacy is based on 'quality'...and not quantity. It would be nice if the sex was more frequent---definitely. But the reality of long term relationships and marriages is this...More and more, people have to work harder in order to make ends meet. Work means, time is taken away. It also means fatigue and at the end of the day, the last thing you want to do is romp around the bedroom for a few hours. (Well some people...)

My girlfriend and I love being intimate. We also understand that sometimes it's hard with our schedules---but----we 'make a date'. Saturday nights are our 'date night'. Sundays are like sacred for us. As long as you know that you have a 'date night' or a special night set aside for your sweetie, then you know for sure that there will come a time to be together---AS well as try to make those spontaneous dates in between. The date night just assures you of ~what's to cum~...errr...to happen. ;)

Relationships and marriage 'to me' is not only sex---because that's just the bonus, but it's taking care of one another; helping one another and learning about your partner/husband/wife more and more each day. You can never learn enough about them.

This post was great! Really made me think... :)

Thanks Leesa!

~Deb said...

P.S. And the thread that binds us together is our faith in God---which makes it that much better *for me* and *for her*... So sometimes by having faith in God is very important to some people. (In my own opinion & experience of course.)

TrappedInColorado said...

Leesa,

Very nice. You have courage.

You said "But I believe, in my heart of hearts, that it is the work we do on ourselves and on assisting others, that really makes a difference in the world.".... this reminds me of a saying you have probably heard "No one stands taller than when they stoop to help another." You may have helped someone, so stand tall.

Peace

dasi said...

As a new reader (as well as one who has never been married!) I must say I found this very enlightening. My parents divorced after almost 30 years of marriage, and it left a really bitter taste in my mouth in regard to marriage. And I probably am guilty of expecting too much and the “fairy tale ending” as well, which paradoxically keeps me single and jaded. In any case, I look forward to reading more from you!

Leesa said...

joe and miranda: still working on the marriage. Some days it is a piece of cake and some days it is work.

mark: you are double me in years.

muse: thanks, sweetie.

~deb: I have heard that people having some sex say that sex is only 10% of marriage, but if there is too little sex, people say sex is 90% of a marriage. I think it is a barometer to indicate relative health.

trapped: never heard of that saying.

dasi: welcome aboard. I hope my entries doen't suck.

Prata said...

Nice.

Shannon said...

I have to say that this post touched me the most.. I truly heard every word you were saying.

"But I believe, in my heart of hearts, that it is the work we do on ourselves and on assisting others, that really makes a difference in the world."

Nothing in life that is worth anything is easy. I know that the easy answer for you would have been to leave and divorce but what for? The one thing you needed was the one thing your hubby could give.

Sometimes relationships become routines and we all need to feel loved, wanted, desired... it's always nice to have that comfort zone with someone but there has to be more. I always said I married my best friend but I didn't mean it literally.. lol..

I think you are a strong woman, and I give you both all of the credit in the world for working on your marriage.

~Deb said...

Well, let's put it this way...even if I didn't have sex with my honey for over TWO weeks...................or even a month....................I am still jonZin' for her. BIG TIME !!!!

Desire has a lot to do with passion---however, that desire has to come with unconditional love and acceptance to when one is ready....to frolic~......

SuperMom said...

i enjoy your postings often, but this one touched me in a deep way. thank you for being willing to open your heart, life (past and present) and depth to me. since she hates me to post as her, this is the hubby of the supermom.

NicoleW said...

Hi, a nice blog you have here... You will surely get an bookmark :) Fleshlight

Dr. Deborah Serani said...

marriage is something that needs tending...not to be cliche. If it were easy, we'd never see divorce, etc.

Leesa said...

prata: thanks.

shannon: thanks, sweetie.

~deb: sometimes actions that are loving bring feelings of love, desire.

supermom: thanks for the comment.

nicolew: thanks for the spam comment.

dr ~deb: thanks, sweetie.

kathi said...

This was such a raw and emotional read. Great post.
We've been married for 22 years this October and without a whole lot of compromise and a lot of forgiveness, we'd (HE'D) called it quits on week 2 of the marriage. Why he stuck with me, I'll never understand but so glad he did. When I wonder if I'd enjoy single life more (c'mon, get real...everyone wonders) I think of all my single friends and what they go through. Then I remind myself of all the reasons I love my husband so much. He's got the best laugh I've ever heard, watching him with our boys is the sexiest thing in the world to me and I've never known a more honorable man in my life. Plus, he's got a real blind spot to my millions of faults.
Great post.

Jay said...

hey sexy
I have been married for almost 25 years. And she has now become my best friend but we are still pasionate lovers. was seperated once because we both took each other for granted. Ive cheated before dont think she has but it dosent matter. we swing ocasionally now but its a take or leave it thing havent dont it in almost two years now so its not a priority. Ive said all that to say this. in life you continue to grow or you get stuck in a phase and stagnate. To stay with one person during this long life means you constantly have to adjust to eat other and continue to learn to live together. My favorite food has changed along with many other things. Hell even our looks change and we have to accept it. I know that neither of us look as good as we did but we love each other and never see that when we look at each other. My wife continues to turn me on and maybe Ive grown to the point that it takes less to do that. Sex dosent always have to be the best, sometimes it can be good, or wonderful, or even ok, just as long as we continue to do it. There are many reasons to cheat and i'm sorry to say most are just plain lack of self-control. i told you once before I think that I masturbate so I don't cheat because even at my age I'm horny all the time. But in the end a marrage takes two to make it work and only one to fuck it up, you have to decide in which catagory you want to be in in.

Leesa said...

kathi and jay: everyone who has been married as long as you two have are helping those of us with half the years under our belts, so to speak.

Ton1617 said...

Once again you have given me a personal insight into the soul of a married woman. Your struggles always seem to hit home with me. My wife and I have been together for almost twenty years and the shit has faded big time. Your blog has given me a glimmer of hope of keeping it together. I've tried everything to put the spark back into my marriage. But my wife doesn’t seem to care about me anymore. My friends say she’s just not into me anymore and I should move on. Thank you for your honesty.

Leesa said...

Thanks, Ton, and good luck with your wife!