Great Expectations

Okay, on Friday I sort of let it all hang out and posted what I thought was going to be this truthful post that everyone was going to hate. See, it was about porn – and not about how I love to watch porn with hubbie while he mounts me from behind. It was a grimmer view of an industry that has given joy (or at least a release) to millions. Perhaps billions.

You see, we all have a mental picture of the world, whether we realize it or not. Steven Covey calls it a road map or a map or something. I read one of his books – maybe two of them – more than a dozen years ago, well a long time ago – and you know I don't like researching stuff. It is much quicker to make stuff up. Anyway, this overcompensated business expert (or book seller, based on your views) says that we have this map of how the world works. You have a map, I have a map, and they are probably different maps. Now, Ddot would have you adopt his map – so we would all be on the same page, so to speak. Ddot has a good map – just read his blog for yourself to see – but his map is probably not your map.

Anyway, we evaluate (some would say judge) things with our own maps and own values. A map is how we see the world, and a value is how we want the world to be – or I guess, what we find particularly good about the world.

When I was in college, for instance, I really did not have a high opinion of strippers. Why? Was it my Catholic upbringing? Probably not. Once I was told that if I kept a penny between my knees, I could do anything I wanted on a date. I was told a lot of bizarre things as a maturing Catholic girl. But why did strippers bother me? Well, I was a young woman, I had a good bod, and here there were girls/women with comparable bods taking off their clothes, and all you had to do was pay $6 a drink for watered down booze. Instead of buying me several dinners, including drinks, and then you would get to see an amateurs' bod for a heck of a lot more money. So strippers were really my direct competition – and for boys/men with math skills, I was in trouble. But strippers aren't supposed to let you touch – a benefit from dating me, and if I was particularly horny or drunk, you got to touch quite a bit.

Now, lately prata has been coming by and reading my dribble. And I will have to admit, it has been hard for me to explain myself to him. Part of the reason is that our two maps are so different. And, KyuBall posted a response to my last blog entry that said it much more succinctly than I ever could have: "The reason I can still get it up for these fine films is because I can turn off my conscience for 10 to 15 minute 'spirts'". In prata's mind, we always do rational things. Why did I cheat on my hubbie when I said I loved him? Perhaps I became good at turning off my conscience for, well, an hour at a time. And, looking back, some of the things my occasional lovers and I would talk about was weird – their spouse, their kids. Why the heck do those things come up – but I have been told that that is a natural subject by my therapist. And he probably has seen all sorts of stuff.

So, the other day, I expected the blogging world to say, "Hey, don't take away my porn." Not that my post suggested that at all. But instead, I got some very thoughtful comments. My map is that all people who use the Internet are porn junkies – and the map is incorrect. But with my map, I expected an outcome that I did not get.

I think I am babbling now. I should stop. Maybe I will get some porn. Just joking. But seriously, I used to like to go into movie rental stores that have an adult video section, linger behind the curtain for a while and come out. Invariably the clerk (a middle aged man in all cases) would ask if I needed help. I would go to the counter, lean over and whisper, "No thanks. Sometimes I just come in to masturbate to the video jackets." And then I would leave. But I cannot take credit for this – a girlfriend showed me that trick years ago. I just love the shocking expression the clerk has! Priceless.