Monday, November 21, 2005

Clothing Optional

The difference between myth and history is perspective (I just made that up, and it sounds real nice until you think about it, and then it sounds sort of like crap). But today, boys and girls, I will tell you why we wear clothes. A historical perspective.

A long time ago in a far off land, was a kingdom. Like most kingdom's it was ruled by a king who thought very much of himself, though he was a very ordinary man. But in this kingdom, no one wore clothes.

Being an ordinary man with ordinary features (Leesa's shooting a glance at his very ordinary privates), he and others could easily gage his worth among others. One did not need a measuring stick to know that he had but an average stallion with which to mount the ladies.

One day, he made a proclamation that anyone who was larger than he would either need to leave the kingdom or become one of his court eunuchs (you think spelling ambulance is bad, Bored Housewife, try spelling eunuch). Well, many of the better endowed men left the area, and some of the women followed.

In time, he fathered a son. And his son was less endowed than the father. Many were worried about the son wanting to carry out the same edict as the father because we all know that kings are powerful and ordinary men, wanting to appear to be better than their subjects.

The court advisor thought that if the men could hide their collective manhood somehow, they could keep the young prince from driving out more of the men and the women who would follow them.

One day the court advisor appeared in court in pantaloons. They looked smashing, and they hid the advisor's penis well. The king asked about them, and the advisor said they were the newest thing, something called clothes. That all of the women were wild about them, that the women loved ornately decorated pants – though the peasants could merely afford more drab coverings.

The king loved this idea, and thought that because of his wealth, he would be more desirous than any other man. He made a decree that all men henceforth should be clothed. And we have been clothed since this day.

Another example of how men – or more practically – their penises shape the world.

16 comments:

Ddot the King said...

I'm digging this little story. I had never heard it before? Is it a Leesa original? Of course my favorite part was...

we all know that kings are powerful and ordinary men, wanting to appear to be better than their subjects.

I couldn't have said it better myself!!!

Grant said...

Naturally, cold weather and bee stings had nothing to do with the creation of clothes. It's probably like the reason we created housing as a contest to see who could create the most decorative covering for their pile of stuff. :p

Long Iron said...

....and all this time, I believed the Adam and Eve story about the snake, the apple and the Garden of Eden. Who knew?

Leesa said...

ddot: yes, a Leesa original.

grant: I thought we created housing so that the government could institute property taxes and build schools.

long iron: Adam and eve used fig leaves, not clothes.

Prata said...

Nice, but wasn't there a 5,000 year old body found with clothing and tattoos no less! lol Nice though. *nods sagely*

Georgiapeach said...

This was hillarious!! Great story. Why is it so truthful!! I can really see that going down. You should get that one published for sure. Oh better yet, send it to Playboy and get your $100.00.

halo said...

Which also explains why some men drive shiny new fast sports cars. ;-)

Bert Ford said...

Any object that is taller than it is wide is a phallic symbol.

Any object that is wider than it is tall is a horizontal phallic symbol.

I personally am naked & horizontal right now.

Boris Yeltsin said...

Thanks Leesa for reading my story. Loved yours too. It's like the Playboy version of Aesop's fables. Maybe GeorgiaPeach is right: maybe you should send it in to Playboy!

Leesa said...

boris: I am not sure Playboy would publish an article that deals with castration, when so much of its "readership" is masterbating to the colorful articles.

~Deb said...

Bert--- put your damn pants back on because I'm getting all nervous here.

Hi Leesa... *cough

Listen, ... I thought Adam and Eve were the ones who invented the whole "covering up the natural parts' deal with their twigs and berries & leaves.

What happened?? I never heard of this story.

Bert? Are you really laying down naked right now??????????

Yoga Korunta said...

Hurray to Leesa! An observant young lady has noticed the Boy King's jealousy of those with three digit IQs!

kathi said...

"he had but an average stallion with which to mount the ladies." I love this line! But what I want, dear leesa, is the address and a map to where the better endowed men went.

Leesa said...

deb: I happen to be an expert on the male anatomy - or at least part of the male anatomy. You never heard of this story because I made it up.

And the stories about all penises being heat and moisture seeking missiles is greatly exagerated. I can't tell you how many guys I had to guide - and these are experienced guys.

yoga: I am observant, if nothing else.

kathi: I can't help it. I have a penis -fixation. And I don't believe in "penis envy" - I don't want part of my anatomy to dangle between my legs. I just like what that piece of anatomy does while it is in me.

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