Tuesday, November 22, 2005

The Scarlet Alphabet

I have written several times about infidelity. And the reactions in the comments have been from: (1) relax, we are all sinners, to (2) it makes no sense to cheat if you value your marriage.

And my response to those comments, for the most part, has been to be silent. Which is hard for me to do. But I cannot fully express my feelings in a paragraph or a pithy note.

I could make excuses for my indiscretions. I could blame it on my OCD – sweetie, I just had to have everyone in the office inside me, you know I collect things uncontrollably. And once I had everyone in the office, I had to have everyone on the block. And so forth. I mean, I did not trip, my skirt fly up, and me land on some random guy repeatedly. And do this for a long time, mostly during lunches at their vacant homes.

This world is full of choices. When I was young and married, my choice was to fully love my husband. Even when he was a jerk or wrong or whatever. I still fully loved him, fully was in love with a newness of our marriage. Over time the luster of our marriage faded a bit. But I still loved him, more of a smoldering love, but richer, deeper. And all was well.

Then some things happened. Life, I suppose. We drifted apart. We did not work as hard as we could have. We made choices. Unfortunately, my choices involved straying. A lot. I guess some of my choices changed my view of the value of my relationship with my husband. I valued it less. I hurt more. I strayed. Does that make my unfaithfulness right? No. Does it make me human – I was human before I was unfaithful.

I hurt my husband – but incredibly, the healing in some ways brought us closer together. Something was painfully wrong with our relationship, and we were not doing anything about it. Now, because of my unfaithfulness, there are aspects of our relationship which will never be the same. I am an adulterer. And I will always be one, for the rest of my life. And I will have a scarlet alphabet tattooed across my heart. My infidelities may make titillating reading, but the cost was enormous.

We make choices. And, if I had to do it all over again, I may have made other choices. I hope I would make other choices. And I don't give a rat's arse if you judge me unfavorably for my indiscretions. Funny thing is that before I cheated, I was very judgmental. I am still judgmental, but I am much more compassionate.

Every morning I wake up and I have thousands of choices. We all do. I wake up next to the man I love and every day I have the choice of giving him one-hell-of-a-blow-job. And now-a-days, I tend to wrap my lips around his penis more often in the morning. Choices.


Prata said...

Well that is the nature of being human...making choices. I personally am not a big proponent or opponent to marriage. I do not see the value of marriage aside from you know..taxes. I don't need a piece of paper or a vow before a deity to tell me how I should behave or treat or love someone. But that's me. Not everyone functions that way. I don't have a religion which dictates my marriage, and I'm fully vested in the fact it is merely a social convention of which you are perfectly capable of not subscribing to. I don't have a deity driving me either so I'm not sure that accounts for much with most.

I truly hope you've not taken any stance that I have set with and viewed that as judgmental of your person, as it's not my place to judge you in that manner. All of my statements were simply my view points; hopefully without any "you are a bad bad person" read between the lines. I'm not concerned with your redemption or salvation...mainly because I don't believe in it. Hope that's clear! *chuckles* You have a nice day....and all that good jazz.

~Deb said...

Sweetie, let them throw the first stone.

You seem like a good person with an incredible heart--from what I can see.

What about me? They all say I made a cboice----they say I'm sinning, by living a homosexual lifestyle. They may be right. But who are they to judge?

So I hold the "H" across my chest. I embrace being homosexual, because that's who I am. I am happy this way, I am not hurting anyone, nor am I judging anyone else for their choices.

As long as "you're" happy, that's all that matters, and I don't judge you.

Sassy said...

Leesa, I think you're amazing. I admire everything you said in that post, because it was dripping with honesty and vulnerability. You really put yourself out here on this blog, and that's exactly why I keep coming back. :)

SignGurl said...

Wow, I found you through Deb and The Seeker. I'm glad I did. Your honesty is inspiring.

I have toyed with the idea (only recently) of cheating but have never gone through with it. Reading this adds an awareness for me. Thanks.

Georgiapeach said...

OMG girl. What do I call myself Hester sometimes. I kid you not. This post is so parallel to my thoughts it's ridiculous. Just a week ago, I was sitting in the grocery store parking lot thinking to myself that I should wear an A on me for all the shady things I have and do in my relationship (even though we aren't married, but we have been together for five years). God knows I have made many, and I mean many, bad choices in my relationship. Anyway, I definitely don't judge you. You are very inspirational. I hope to get to the point in my life where I won't desire other men so much and cheat on my boyfriend. I struggle so hard with being faithful. Oh, I have only told my boyfriend about one (I figure I at least owe him that, you know). He was very sad for a while, he brings the guy's name up every now and again (he did last night). Anyway, now that we partake in an alternative lifestyle everything is a little better. However, the guys that are down for that, aren't even close to my type so I haven't had sex with anyone.

**Sorry this was so long***

But on a lighter note: in the morning I tend to just lay on my side and let him do his thing, while I just continue on with my sleep..lol. I take the lazier choice..lol

SignGurl said...

Hi again,

Check out sitemeter.com. You can find the code to insert (yeah, I said insert, hehehe) into your blog. You can then see how many people visited and from where although you can't tell who they are. :)

Leesa said...

GP: You said "I hope to get to the point in my life where I won't desire other men so much and cheat on my boyfriend." Just last week, someone came to fix my computer, and he was under my desk. I just wanted him to lap me up - he was cute and in position, you know. But I excused myself to go do something else.

I have willpower, but I don't want to tempt myself if I can help it.

Lisa said...

Thanks for sharing that...It's certainly something I've thought about, and I just keep telling myself I wouldn't be able to live with the adulterous choices...convincing myself...

Boris Yeltsin said...

It's funny because most women seem to be very judgemental about fooling around. But, every man who fools around, fools around with a woman, unless he's gay. That means for all the judgemental bravado, the women are screwing around just as much as the men, even though they seem to have a harsher attitude about it. All I can say is, ladies: relax! We're all human!

Boris Yeltsin said...

"Anyway, now that we partake in an alternative lifestyle everything is a little better. However, the guys that are down for that, aren't even close to my type so I haven't had sex with anyone." - georgiapeach

Excuse my ignorance and curiosity, but what exactly does that mean?

Georgiapeach said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Georgiapeach said...

OMG..My madness doesn't end does it Leesa..lol.

Babs said...

Thank you. I needed to hear this, and I needed to hear it today. You have no idea. It is all about choices. You make them, you make the best of them.

sjblogger said...

I think you put it well Leesa when you said up above that you have willpower but you still shouldn't position yourself in a tempting circumstance.

I found myself in that position recently and I was amazed at my own willpower...

I really enjoyed this post!

Yoga Korunta said...

Leesa, I'll fix the computer! Would anyone mind the screaming?

Godzilla said...

I know what you mean - the decision to cheat can be made on impulse or as a reation to your current situation, but the effects stay with the relationship for along time.

Joe said...

Well put, Leesa. Sometimes we pay the price for the choices we make, but that's part of life. You can't look back and regret the things you've done, nor can you beat yourself up for them.

Regardless of all that happened, he's a lucky man - and it seems that you're a lucky woman as well.

halo said...

I dont believe in regret. It a life lesson, no matter how horrible. I did what I did, and Im not proud of it, but i did learn from it. Though, unlike you, I refuse to lable myself as a cheat. I will acknowledge that I could have handled things differently, but sticking such a lable on myself would make anything any better.

My therapist said it best...

Marriage aint for sissies. She also said that an affair, is in some ways an attempt to fix your marriage, since leaving it isnt what u want, you medicate yourself in other ways to make staying in it more bareable.

Sorry to ramble, sensitive topic for me.

Have a good holiday!!

Greg - Cowboy in the Jungle said...

Well, since I'm an opinionated bastard... ;-)
I just couldn't pass up the chance to leave a comment on something this meaty and juicy - no pun intended.

Cheating and infidelity are definetly a problem (unless you are both open to that then it's a perk). But is it THE problem?

In most cases I would say, "no."

True, I do have trust issues with people that cheat. Afterall you (not specifically YOU but the ambiguious and generic you) make a comittment to God and your spouse and your families that you will be faithful when you get married. And if some one breaks that vow, something so important, then what will they do to me? How high do they hold their own ethics?


Why do people cheat? For some it is mental illness. For some it is an escape from a marriage where other vows are not being held up. For others it is just a pure lack of respect.

I don't know you and I havent read all of your posts (yet!), but I'd guess you probably fal into the 2nd category. General disillusion and failure to meet vows on both sides by both parties. Cheating was just a symptom of a bigger problem.

They say the measure of a man (or a woman in this case) is not how they fall, but how they pick themselves up and move on. Sounds to me like you are on the right track and kudos for putting it all back together.

May you have the best that luck, love, and life has to offer!

Grant said...

I have nothing to add here. I just wanted to say Happy Thanksgiving.

kathi said...

I love you. Have since day one of reading you.

Oh, and can you send me the name of that computer repair guy? My puter is a bit sluggish.

Katherine Tiberghien said...

The more I read here, the more I think that I am reading about myself.

It is about choices. You are choosing to stay faithful. Some people dont get that. Because they have never cheated. Cheat once, it is easier and easier to do it again and again. Your conscience does get turned off, you are another person, not yourself, but so totally yourself that people who know you wouldnt recognize you. Does that make any sense? Those who have never cheated have no idea that once you do, you make a conscience choice every minute you are around someone else to not cheat. You think about it. You may daydream about it. You wonder what it would be like. Cheating is another addiction, and like being an alcoholic, once you are a cheater, you are always a cheater. You dont have to be actively cheating to still be a cheater. JUst like you dont have to be drinking to still be an alcoholic.

My hat is off to your choice every minute to be with your husband. It takes an enormous amount of intestial fortitude to make that choice.