Self Image

When I was growing up, I can remember entering my best friend's bedroom. Not my first best friend, but my best friend in my middle school years.

The first time I entered the room, I saw the famous picture of Farrah Fawcett, taken before she was Farrah Fawcett Majors. Whether I realized it or not, I was probably subconsciously thinking, "This is what boys want, a woman who looks good in a bathing suit and has way big hair." I don't remember much about Charlie's Angels, which is weird because it was such a huge show. But what I remember is inconsistent with small clips I have seen of the show since I have . . . matured.

What I remember is three beautiful women take orders from a man on a speakerphone, and the women have mad skills and are respected. What I have seen from the clips, though, tell another story. That the women are beautiful, yes, but they are less agile than the crooks and sometimes win by pure luck. They never are stronger than the people they catch, but they manage to do so by teamwork or dumb luck.

I don't know about you, but I would sort of like to catch bad guys because I was smarter and had mad skills. I just don't really like what I see in the clips of the show. Perhaps the clips are the worst parts of the show, or the funniest, but if they are representative, my perception of the show through a child's eyes seems to distort what the show was really about.

But you know, when I was growing up, I remember thinking a lot about weight and body image. I thought of myself as rather flawed, but in pictures, I looked good. Again, the image I had as a girl and young woman were not consistent with what I think now. I don't know if it has to do with me lowering my standards or that I did not have the experience to realize that every 4 ounces was not the end of the world. Perhaps the lenses at the time did not capture the true picture. Cheap Kodak cameras take away ten pounds? Could be. Film cameras add weight.

Actually, I wonder if film cameras really do add ten pounds. I mean, how many of us have ever been on camera and have seen the difference. Most of the people routinely on camera are a bit vain and may have a perception that they are skinnier than they actually are. Then, when faced with the facts, they have to adjust them as to not have their world view change. Either that, or there is some sort of physics in the camera lens that makes it such that it stretches the view a bit (wide angle?) in order to work.

Changing one's world view can be fairly traumatic, or it can be a bit healthy, or both.

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How are your brackets holding up?

Random Friday #30

Monsters vs. Aliens
When I first saw the previews for Monsters vs. Aliens, it looked really good. But then they showed previews, a bunch of others, with different clips. I imagine I have seen the whole movie, four minutes at a time. I don't like to see movies if I have already seen the best parts in the previews. Like everything else, you ought to hold a bit back. It applies in resumes/cover letters, in initial conversations, and in the bedroom.

Millionaire's Row
I saw an interesting article in the online Forbes that starts like this:
In today's tough economic climate, Warren Buffett is setting a good example. The world's second richest man lives in the same five-bedroom, gray stucco house he bought in 1958 for $31,500.

That's right. Legendary investor Buffett, 78, still calls his humble digs in Omaha, Neb.'s Happy Hollow suburb home, despite a $37 billion fortune. That famous folksiness is, of course, in keeping with his investment philosophy. "If you don't feel comfortable owning something for 10 years," he once told a reporter, "then don't own it for 10 minutes."

Second richest man in the world and you can own a bigger house than his house if you can get a loan. I looked at the richest zip codes in Georgia and found one near me. Median home price: more than I can afford.

No. 18 Sea Island, Ga.
31561, Glynn County

Median home price: $1.94 million

Once described by Vladimir Nabokov as a "millionaire's colony," Sea Island is an oasis of golf courses, beach clubs and stately homes off the coast of South Georgia, a few hours from Savannah. This north-end property, done in Spanish style, has four bedrooms and five bathrooms, as well as a two-car garage and 3,668 square feet of interior space. It is listed through Hodnett Cooper for $2.7 million.

Getting Eaten
Wednesday, I had sort of a silly post about someone I knew in college with a vestigial tail. Someone asked why I did not ask her about her vestigial tail. Well, I also said in the post that I was a bit scared that she could be a lizard alien. Now think, if you think someone is a lizard alien but they are pretending to be a humanoid, if you go along with the deception you probably have a better chance of not being lunch. Well, that's my thought on the matter.

AIG
Everybody is upset with AIG, and some are upset with the government as well. Think about this: Barney Frank wants all of the names of the AIG execs that have received bonus checks (the bonuses that are part of the $165 million)? So if they have this, what are they going to do? Tell everyone? And if even one gets murdered because of this disclosure, do you think that the family will be the slightest bit litigious?

NCAA Basketball Brackets
We are all bitching about the $165 million that is being wasted by AIG, but we are also spending lots of work time filling out brackets for the NCAA March Madness gambling event. No one is talking about the wasted effort because the NCAA BB people give us the best betting opportunity of the year. Better than the Kentucky Derby. Better than the Superbowl. Just better.

My blog entries have been hit or miss lately. Sorry about that. I have had a few other things on my mind. And I can't figure out how to get some of the AIG money. Have a good Friday.

We Deserve AIG's Actions

I have heard for several days that people are pissed with AIG. If you have been avoiding the radio, late night television, political blogs or the newspaper, you may want to check out my last blog entry. This blog entry will be political – yuck.

The government gave AIG a bunch of money. I am sure there is a whole section of AIG that is in charge of collecting this money. I have heard that they received a bunch of billions of dollars that they could do whatever with. And then more money that Congress gave them that was for such-and-such, with no strings attached. And then there was more money that they were given to AIG for "other stuff" that may have some strings attached to it. I think that they can't buy nuclear weapons or teach abstinence to high school students. There are probably other strings attached, but I have not really been paying too much attention.

AIG is not a bank – more of an insurance company. And AIG got into trouble when their judgment on assessing risk was impaired. So the government is giving a company with questionable judgment a lot of money. Oh, and the government and the press has basically said, "We can't let AIG fail." (Even yesterday, President Obama said: "One is to withhold money from AIG that could potentially lead them into a spiral that could affect the entire financial system.")

If I had questionable fiscal judgment and everyone said "you cannot fail", and thus bailed me out several times, why would I change my actions. They seem to be working for me. I mean, I am getting all sorts of money, and I need to pay my executives, the same ones with questionable judgment, money to stay because they are so important to overall operations. I don't see what the big deal is.

I heard Obama speak about this on the radio Wednesday, and I was floored. President Obama said, "Well, look, rather than going sort of the details of finding it out, ultimately, I'm responsible. I'm the president of the United States. We've got a big mess that we're having to clean up. Nobody here drafted those contracts. Nobody here was responsible for supervising AIG and allowing themselves to put the economy at risk by some of the outrageous behavior that they were engaged in."

So he said, ultimately he is responsible, but qualified it with "nobody here was responsible for supervising" AIG.

We can blame AIG and get mad at them, but they are just reacting rationally to the situation. They are doing what is in their best interest. Perhaps the next multi-billion-dollar payment will have more strings attached. Of course, we won't change our voting habits (it is always the "other guy's" senator or representative that is the problem), so maybe the strings won't be their either. I guess one investment AIG made in 2008 paid off, their lobbying efforts.

Of Cocktails and Vestigial Tails

When I was in college, I had a friend named Carly. Okay, that was a lie (even though you may not have picked up on the micro-expressions), but I still occasionally see her so I am hiding the name.

Anyway, she was a couple of years older than I was, but she stayed in the dorms.

Over time, her room was a room of refuge for two reasons: she always had wine, and she had a nice stereo system with lots of good tunes. I mean, think about it, after studying in the evening, we would go to Carly's room, she would have the stereo on softly, and we would talk and drink. What a way to unwind before bed on a school night.

There are a few things that this may indicate: I was a functional alcoholic. Well, not sure if I was really a functional alcoholic, but I drank a lot.

Anyway, the wine that Carly enjoyed, after a while, was box wine. We would go through a couple of boxes per week, maybe more. She called it her truth box. It was kinda cute in a alcoholic denial sort of way.

Well, she, me and several others would chat about this or that, listen to music and just have a good time. It seemed to be a relaxing time, and we discussed all sorts of things. I mean, we would discuss religion, politics, teaching assistants, foreign films, drinking games, musical groups, whatever.

And we would go out together – generally on Thursday nights because the clubs were full and the cover charges did not apply to us. We would get ready, and go over to Carly's room, then start drinking out of the truth box. Even though we did not pay covers, we still had to pay for drinks. And most of us would just drink the free water to keep hydrated at the bars.

Carly generally changed while we were in the room, and I can still remember looking at . . . her ass. Unlike normal people (okay, me), when she changed to go out, she would change her undies as well. Her back would be to the group, so that there was no "frontal nudity", so to speak, and she would slip off her undies, pause, and then slip on the other pair that she would have in her hands. She was a fairly thin girl/woman – we all were, come to think of it – and her spinal column could be seen, each vertebrate clearly shown in a line, running down her back. But it appeared as if she had a few extra vertebrae, forming a bit of a tail near her butt. Actually, after the first time I saw it, I made it a point of looking at my backside with a mirror. No vestigial tail for me.

Now, I have probably seen her ass more than any (unrelated) woman I have ever seen. The first time I saw her butt, I was a bit embarrassed, but over time, I got used to Thursdays with Carly's ass. I secretly suspected she was an exhibitionist.

Actually, one night I started wondering if she were perhaps an alien. I mean, I figured that aliens would resemble lizards. I am not sure if it was because I used to watch Land of the Lost (with the Sleestak) or because I was a little too tipsy while thinking, but I began wondering if she could be some sort of lizard alien. You know, these lizard-aliens did something to make her look humanoid, but there was still a vestigial tail after the transformation to humanoid form.

And then I started thinking about her truth box, the wine-in-a-box. Did I have any missing hours after consuming the alcoholic beverage? Oh, I was not sure. And the soft music and conversation about all sorts of things – was this someone who knew how to host a group of friends, or was this was a lizard-alien who was getting intell from a bunch of college co-eds? I never really found out.

I continued to partake of the truth box, the wonderful music and the conversation because it was a wonderful time in my life. That, and a Thursday night ass view. It was almost as if I was a frat boy who frequented strip clubs. Well, strip clubs don't have good music, do they?

Hoops, Anyone?

It is that time of year again – March Madness. This is a somewhat magical time of year – the time where college sports and gambling collide like peanut butter and chocolate. Each is good on its own, but together you get an orgasm in your mouth.

A few years ago, I participated in something with fellow bloggers – someone set up a group (I think it was in Yahoo), and anyone who wanted could submit a bracket. Winner got bragging rights. Well, I sort of want to do the same. I have set up something on ESPN.com. It is an easy way to track winners and losers, and, who knows, if all of your picks are right, you could win $1 Million (the odds are better than buying a lottery ticket, but the payoff is worse).

Here is how you can fill out your own bracket (taken from the ESPN site); it also has a group name as well, something you need in order to participate within groups:

Get in on the excitement of this year’s NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament. Compete against other fans as you fill out a bracket and earn points for every correct pick! Come out on top and you could win $10,000. Get a group together and earn plenty of bragging rights amongst your friends by winning it all. Best of all, it’s free to play and win.

Get in the action now:
http://games.espn.go.com/tcmen/group?groupID=46051

Group: Blogger Hacks

The brackets need to be completed by tip-off of the first game on Thursday (the play-in game does not count).

If someone knows of another blogger doing this, please let me know. And if you don't know of anyone doing this and you want to publicize this on your site (and take credit; I don't care), you can do that as well. I just want to join a group, not lead the group.

And in memory of conformity and St. Patrick's Day, I tried to find a basketball cheerleader wearing green. Well, she looks like she is a football cheerleader. Oh, crap. This pic was less blurry than the basketball picture I found.

And if you want something a bit more St. Patty's Day, perhaps this will do (neither are work-safe):

St. Patty's Pinch
Girl Scout Cookies

American Education

Have you ever seen a 20/20 show or read an article about the American Education system. How Americans don't know crap about where Argentina is, or Australia, or perhaps our kids get confused between Australia and Austria. Then there are the test scores, especially in math and science. It makes Americans look bad.

And how do we respond? Some Americans say really stupid things like, "Well, we may not know where Iraq is, but we sure did blow the country to hell and back." And it makes us look arrogant and stupid.

Then we look at our University educational system, and, well, the US has some of the best Universities in the world. I saw a stat recently that said that of the 100 best universities in the world, American Universities represented 75% of them.

To summarize: American primary and secondary education sucks but higher education is among the best in the world.

I have been thinking about this a lot lately.

How can the educational system fail so many so early, and then do so well after Americans become adults? And I think it is not about money – it is about competition.

For the most part, primary and secondary education is a monopoly. The local government funds, with some help from the state or the Federal government. Sure, there are private schools, but most of us are in the public system. And I know, people will talk about how we are not spending enough on education (we spend more than most countries per pupil). It is not that we don't spend enough but that there is no real incentive to change. Anything. Sure, there are some dedicated teachers doing a fine job, but when we look at a system, we need to look at how everyone fares.

We can talk about the school year being too short or the teachers teaching to a standardized test, but that does not get at the heart of this non-competitive environment we find ourselves in. If you live in a particular neighborhood, you go to a particular school. That's it. If they do a good job or a bad job, it does not change where the neighborhood girls and boys go. In fact, relatively better schools just improve property values of a neighborhood because people realize we don't have much of a choice.

I have been against school vouchers for quite some time, but that is really inconsistent with what I am now realizing: that school choice matters. The problem is that if we initiated a voucher system, some schools would fail. And as Americans, we don't like seeing schools fail. Heck, recently, we don't like seeing banks, auto companies and others fail because of their own actions as well.

Now, if you want to discuss longer school days or school terms, that could be decided in the marketplace. Or school times – why have all of the high-schoolers get up at 6:00 to get to school early? Just have different times in the marketplace, perhaps? Or a more flexible high school experience where you could start at second period and just finish the day up later.

I mean, look at the university system. People decide where to send their children, and the universities in the US are really good. That is because if they were not good, they would fail. And good is such a self-definable term. If they are good enough for the parents to send their children, then they are good enough to succeed.

I know this type of thinking is foreign for most. I mean, people like all of their children to go to the same school, have the same mascot, play in the same band. But you know, you could choose to do that if that is important to you. Or if parental involvement is important, choose a school where the parents have to volunteer.

Right now, we have lots of kids being educated by parents with no formal teaching experience. And some of these kids are doing so well. Some of them, it seems, are more apt to be working at Burger King. Which may be fine. I just think kids should not have limits placed on them by a school system.

See, this whole education thing is not very market oriented. And neither is the government bailout of the banks, the auto companies, etc. Sometimes, as Americans, we need to trust the markets. I mean, sure, use the government to make sure companies are not out of control (as in pollution, or monopolies, or workplace safety), but let the markets work.

I love Jimmy Carter, but I never really liked that there is a cabinet-level position for Education. That seems like a way to retard innovation. Just my two cents. I don't want a half-hearted effort of giving vouchers to some or rebates to rich and middle class parents who send their children to private school. I want an overhaul of the system so that these kids can support me in my old age. We need tax revenue from somewhere, and I would rather be getting it from people who are curing cancer and devising new ways of using technology than from people who are serving me the best soft-serve ice cream in the mall.

Making of Candyman Video

This seemed like a lot of work just to make a video. It is interesting, though. I tripped on the video after doing a bit of research for part of a post on Friday.

Random Friday #29

Listening to the Radio
I heard a song on the radio recently, and I loved it. But I don't listen to popular music much, and it took me forever to figure out the artist/title of the song. It sucks growing older. I used to know all the popular songs. Not now.

Funny Headline
I saw a picture and loved it. It was a headline from the News & Observer. I don't know exactly why it was so funny. Guess it is just my morose sense of humor.

Country Song
I heard "Put a Girl in It" the other day; I think someone had an internet station on, and I could hear it.

Too Ambitious
There is a YouTube channel called TheRealNews. Anyway, they did a sixteen minute video entitled, "Why we are in Afghanistan." I am all for hard-hitting news, but this seemed a tad bit ambitious to me.

Blown Talent
Christina Aguilera is one of those singers who has talent. She had a hit video (Genie in a Bottle), and it appeared as if she was going to be a major star. I mean, she was part of that Disney brat pack (Christina Aguilera, Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears; and Academy Award nominated actor Ryan Gosling). She has strong pipes and could dance well. She was cute. And yeah, she is well-known, but she is not a sensation like she could have been. She started slutting it up, calling herself Xtina. And then she went glamorous for a while (e.g., "Hurt", Candyman, other songs). Doing 40s hits. Sure, she sells out venues, but she is nothing like what she could have been. I mean, I guess she had a strong act one, week act two, but the curtain has not closed. She has a strong voice . . . perhaps the decision-making has not been the greatest. She reminds me of a less-talented Madonna.

Talking Back on YouTube
I made a comment on The Resident concerning healthcare, and I got the following response from Luke: "where have you seen examples where socialized medicine doesn't work. take a look at canada and england. both have socialized medicine and both are far better of then the states. know what your talking about before you comment."

I fired back, "The US has made more advances in medicine, and the time to treat for those with insurance (including govt insurance) is much better than in Canada or England. Of the people who are uninsured in the US, about half have turned down insurance subsidized by their employer (because they are young and stupid). Many economists believe that both methods of delivering healthcare are inefficient and need to change. Just because I think differently than you doesn't mean I don't know what is going on."

Luke's response: "Im sorry but you have no idea what your talking baout."

I was going to shoot back something, but you know, his argument is "You don't know what you are talking about." Not heavy on the analysis. So I gave up. I might be talking out of my ass, but you know.

Grantichrist the Superhero
Have you been watching Grant's recent posts. The last four posts have been about super-powers. The posts are long and well-thought-out. And they are cute because I can tell Grant has put a lot of thought into which super-powers are better, this one or that one. As if someone would knock on his door and say, "Grant, we are with this international justice league, and we would like you to join our team. We want to expose you to Gamma radiation so that you can have super strength." Anyway, he is always interesting, but this seems so cute. And this from a guy who could probably kill someone with a Bic pen and some dental floss. Or just the pen.

Dutch Treat
I read that a baseball team from the Neatherlands beat not one but two baseball powerhouses in the World Baseball thingie. I don't know much about international baseball, but I am pretty sure more Dutch don't even follow the sport. The best quote from Jair Jurrjens, who said earlier this spring, "I don’t want to go there for one game and come back." He would have been the best player on the team but passed on the experience. Two or three other professional baseball players have done the same. Weird.

On that note, Happy Friday!

Zalman King's Red Shoe Diaries

Okay, I have been posting five days/week lately. Did not know if you had notice? The Monday-Wednesday-Friday posts are the types of posts I always write, and the Tuesday-Thursday posts may be a bit shorter. Anyway, for a better post, look at Wednesday's post, "On Death".

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Before DVDs, before Netflix, before internet movies, there was Blockbuster. I would frequent Blockbuster in the mid 90s, and I watched all sorts of movies. I did not have cable (still don't) and did not watch much television, but I loved movies. At the time, we did not go out much for movies, but we watched them at home. Frequently.

I would love Tuesdays, because that was the day that Blockbuster got new movies. I still think that is the most common day. I would watch musicals, romantic comedy, humorous, and occasionally drama. Blockbuster is a company that likes its reputation, and they don't have the curtain in the back with the adult movies. Instead, they have some drama that is really light porn. Zalman King's Red Shoe Diaries is one of those movies.

Anyway, Red Shoe Diaries starred David Duchovny as Jake, who would read a letter to his dog Stella. His character always had such a wonderful voice, and although the contents were salacious, they seemed to be introspective as well.

I have not thought about those naughty movies for years, but I actually saw them on Fancast - complete movies online. Anyway, this is a shocker to me. No curtains, no waiting in line at Blockbuster to get the movie, just click and watch a salacious movie.

On Death

Last week, I saw that Ian lost someone who touched his life. That got me to thinking about a post I wrote one day while swimming in the pool. I love to swim, and I think of all sorts of things while working out. It was in mid-December, and the subject happened to be death. Unfortunately, I can't swim and write, and when I got toweled off and showered, the inspiration for the post sort of went away. Post lost, until I read what Ian had to say, and it reminded me of that swim.

I was thinking, as I was swimming, about an interaction I had with a neighbor. She was really distraught because he older sister had died. I have known this woman for years, and she is tough. Really tough. But she was completely broken up over her sibling's death. And it got me to thinking, in general terms, what relationship death is the hardest on someone's emotions.

Disclaimer: Before I get anyone saying that I don't know what the hell I am talking about, I will beat you to the punch. I don't know much about death, personally, but I observe people. And I am not saying that someone can't be destroyed by the loss of a cousin or their dental hygienist, while not blinking an eye over the loss of their spouse. I am making general statements – death can be painful, and I am not trying to diminish anyone's pain. This is more of an intellectual exercise. So, bitch at me if you think I am a cold hearted whore. Er, that was a little over the top. On second thought, don't bitch at me.

Your Children
This is the easy one. This has to be the most horrible thing to experience. Well, I am sure someone can come up with worse things, but to lose a child. 'Nuff said.

Your Siblings
This one really has surprised me. I have talked with many people who have lost loved ones over the year, and it surprises me that many people hit hardest have lost siblings. I guess it is a bit surprising because from my experience, it does not matter whether siblings were terribly close or not. Universally, everyone I have known who has lost a sibling – older, younger, living close by and far away – seems crushed.

Extremely strong people . . . crushed.

Perhaps as we grow up, we have our lives interweaved with our siblings and when they die, a part of our childhood dies as well. Or it could be that we face our own mortality with a siblings death. Since I have not experienced this, I am not sure what would be going on in someone's head. And I am too chicken to ask.

Your Spouse
It surprised me to place siblings above spouses, but that has been my experience in looking at others. Perhaps if you don't really like your spouse, this may move down the list. And I am not sure if time plays any real factor in this. I mean, during WWII, a lot of women were marrying right before their husbands were going overseas. At least, that's what the movies show. Is losing such a spouse you have known briefly in a war when so many others have lost husbands any easier? I don't know. And if you are 95, and have lost your spouse of 75 years, are you crushed or do you feel lucky for having twenty (forty?) more years than the average married couple? I am not sure lucky is something people feel after the death of a loved one. I remember reading about someone who lost her grandmother and the grandmother was 111. Oldest woman in the state and among the oldest women ever. And everyone was extremely sad for having a grandmother 30 years longer than most of us. So age may not be much of a factor either.

Your Parents
Losing parents can be extremely hard, I am sure, but I have placed three groups above them. And I have done this precisely because that has been my experience in dealing with grieving friends. I have helped a few friends though losing parents, and it seems that this sadness lasts for a few years. I read somewhere that it takes about two years to grieve for a loved one that is close to you. Not sure how the psychologists and scientists came up with that one. It's not like you can place a rat in a maze and get your answer.

When you lose your parents, you lose people who cared for you, who taught you about love, trust, and so many other things. And they are partly – perhaps mostly – responsible for your childhood memories; if they are predominantly good or bad.

Your Grandparents
Most of the people reading this have lost a grandparent I would imagine. Well, I imagine this because most of my audience is a more experienced crowd. I remember losing my first grandparent, and I was sad, but not crushed. I mean, I cried, and I was sad for a while, but I was not crushed. Actually, I wanted to be sadder than I was. Strange, I know, but she lived a full life and . . . I was okay with her dying.

Pets
I remember losing a pet when I was young, and it was really hard on the family. I saw my mom cry for a couple of days, and I felt so sad and empty. When a fish dies, I don't expect the same reaction, but I am not really that emotionally attached to most fish. And I am purposefully placing this way up in the list.

Aunts, Uncles, Cousins
I place animals above people, bad Catholic girl that I am. It is not that I place these lives under the lives of Mr. Snugglepus, but it is that I have seen the impact of pet deaths on my friends. And they seem to hit harder than rationally they should.

Past Lovers
Okay, I really don't know about this one. I have not had anyone come up to me and say, "My on-the-side guy died last week, and I am crushed." I am just hoping that we place lovers, present and past below Aunt Mary and Grouch the Oscar that eats mice.

A mental exercise, that is all.

Personal Days

Okay, the HR department where I work sucks. I know some of you probably admire people in your company's HR department (well, probably because you run it). For most of us, HR is the department that keeps us from hiring the person we want to hire, keeps our relatives from getting through the screening process while the Media Relations Director's bum child gets a cushy job, or takes away our vacation time because the new fiscal year has started.

I saw a blogger who said the other day (just to piss me off, I am sure), "I hate having my vacation and sick time lumped together in personal time because when I am sick and take a day off, it is one less day for me to take as vacation, where I can go to some secluded island and buy overpriced drinks.

Okay, I probably got the quote wrong, but it still pissed me off. And we should be focusing on my emotions, not some guy (or gal) with what he/she thinks is a hard luck situation that I would kill for. Okay, I would selectively kill (the HR director; maybe the media director). The point is that I would love for all my leave to be "personal leave." I mean, if you are puking in an old pot by the couch while listening to Dr. Phil tell a psycho-Mom how she is screwing up her children's lives, it reeks of being personal anyway.

You see, I am a Catholic, so I have a heightened sense of shame. That's good for some things, but bad when calling in "sick" because it is 90 degrees outside, I am not feeling bloat-y, and a neighbor is house-sitting a relatives place on Tybee Island.

I go to work most days, eager to write blog entries, take phone messages, and move paper from one pile to the next. That's sort of my life. It would be a bit nicer if I could use my hundreds of hours of accrued sick leave to visit nearby cities (by myself or with my hubbie), stay home and read all day, or just spend the day window shopping.

I mean, if I am away from work, does it make a difference if I am convalescing because I caught the flu the one year I did not get my flu shot or if I am drinking margaritas down in Florida?

I am sure someone in HR got a bonus by drafting a position paper stating that sick days and vacation days should remain separate because we have hired a bunch of ethical schleps who feel shame when calling in sick. If we were less honest, perhaps we would have personal days. Well, that's what I am telling myself. As I write this blog on company time.

Oh, yeah, HR makes those memoranda concerning "Internet usage" as well. I am sure some guy in HR is surfing over to the Dilbert page (or "bodacious ta-ta thumbnails") as I type this. I feel a bit sick. Cough. Cough.

Highlighting Not So New Blog Tricks

Follower
There is a sort of new feature called Blogger Following. The feature lets readers/viewers publicly subscribe to your blog and, if you want it, can add a "Follower" list to your blog so that people can see who follows your blog. It lets you know who is reading, and they don't miss a single sentence fragment. Against my better judgment, I have added a follower list – but not because I wanted to show followers on my blog. I guess I did it for two reasons: (1) so that people could click on a hyperlink to follow me, and (2) because I can more easily add to another feature, Blogs I’m Following.

Of course, after starting to use the Followers, they sort of upgraded it. Now you can click on the followers to see their blogs and who they are following. Sort of cool. I really think this follower thing sort of increases the social networking aspect of blogging. Maybe.

Blogs I’m Following
If you are customizing your Blogger blog, there is a fairly new feature called "Blog List" You can click on the link to read more about it. Oh, and if you want video to do this, you can see it here. Anyway, it is cool because you can import subscriptions, import followers, or import . . . well, any site. For some options, like snippits, the webpage/blog will need a valid RSS feed. Yeah, I don't quite know what this means, but it was on the video.

Oh, and the reason I am writing this post today is because Deb wanted to know about the Blog List. Problem for Deb, is that I think she still is using Blogger Classic, and I think you have to upgrade to Blogger Whatever in order to use this feature.

Next Blog
I started clicking on the Next Blog feature. Why, I don't know. It was a random, or semi-random impulse. The blogs started out tame. A few that only had a few posts. One from a "best selling author" and stress free advocate/guru. And then some scary crap.

About every tenth site I visited had no "Next Blog" controls. Of course, I wanted to flag them, but since they don't have the helpful bar, they don't have a flag feature either.

I have used the Next Blog a few times, and each time I have used it, I have not found a blog that I have liked. Not a single one. That is a bit sad, really. Because I want to follow a blog or two. Really I do.

Random Friday #28

xmlchar with an Attitude
When you look up Xmichra on Google, you get one smooth-talking Canadian. Actually, you get a suggestion that you really meant xmlchar, and it drones on about xmlchar stylesheets. But then if you surf to read about stylesheets, you miss Xmichra 's Life List.

Hostess with the Mostess
WIXY invites new people to his blog, and well, I just don't do it. I am not that much of a hostess. I used to be a great hostess. I have had posts in the past that have been clever, and also have given back to those who read my posts (which is essentually what WIXY does). Once, I had a post where I gave "virtual Christmas presents" to some of my frequent commenters. The post went over really well, as I knew a bit about them from their blogs and made the gifts personal. I also made a post for Academy Awards, and which of my blogger buddies would win which award (again, being bother personal and hopefully funny). It may have all started with a post about assumptions I make about the people who frequently comment on my blog.

I have not done a similar post in some time, for two reasons: (1) these posts take a lot of work, and (2) I have a much smaller audience now. For those of you who have a loyal following, this is a way of giving back to your most frequent commenters. Granted, it does not have appeal outside of your group, unless of course, you incorporate a bit of humor into the post. This suggestion will not drive traffic, but may help ensure that your readers stay loyal to your blog.

Funny YouTube Video
I saw this video, or more precisely, someone who had linked to it. It is all about smelling undies, and it is not disgusting at all. It is actually kinda humorous. Which led me to another video. The second video sort of creeped me out a bit. And I sort of wondered if my panties have been sniffed before. I mean, with me out of them.

Walk Scores
I was on Zillow the other day, and they have incorporated "Walk Scores" into their site. Way cool. So now I not only know that my house has lost 12% of its value over the last . . . month (kidding, year), I can also find other faults with the location.

Hyper Hyperlinking
This will be my worse/best hyperlinked blog entry . . . ever.

Recommended Books
I have five or six books, all recommended by others, that I hate. I have thought of saving them for book exchanges, but I am just too kind. I just don't want to unload them and look kind doing it. I will do the world a favor by burning them. You see, if I recycle them, someone may read the books, and I can't take that chance. I know there will be a little more carbon in the air, but that is going to be the deal I make to keep these books away from other people's eyes. I make better decisions just thumbing through a book in a used bookstore and thinking, "I think I want to read this treasure."

Cosmo
I was reading Relationship Underarm Stick last week. This is a blog that is about . . . hating Cosmo. I mean, I am sure there are other subjects. Actually, I am not. But it got me to thinking about Cosmo.

When I was growing up, I would see Cosmo in the newsstands and if I was not reading the words, I would have thought it was a men's magazine. I remember my grandfather ogling over the big-breasted women on the cover (please insert a disgusted "ewwwww" here). I really don't want to know that my grandfather ever thought about women. And the covers have not changed all that much. I read Cosmo in college - but really read other people's mags or when I was waiting for the dentist. I had no cash for magazines or tennis shoes (my father always bought me shoes when I would come home; always). Enough of tennies, back to Cosmo. In Cosmo, I would read about moves to make to make him feel better (and by him, I am talking about the Cosmo guy that we all have to have in our lives or else we are not fulfilled women. The magazine may cast some men in a bad light, but it was normally all finding the right site to put him through the roof, easy ways to look good for the date with him, or how to catch his eye at a party. Jan Brady has a Marsha complex, and Cosmo has a him complex.

Fast Fingers
I was typing so fast an erratic the other day, that the web browser, instead of going to blogger.com, brought me to blogbus.com. I have no idea of the site is work safe. It is written in . . . Chinese (I think). So I have either gone to a blog site or a porn site, and I can't really be sure which. Well, let's hope the Chinese government is still doing something about squashing the Internet for its people. Well, not really.

The Cook, the Thief, the Wife & the Lover (and the Liar)I so like a new television show, Lie to Me. The main character is Tim Roth, and as I was trying to figure out how I know him, I searched IMDB. While looking for something I saw him in, I noticed a film I had seen while in college: The Cook the Thief His Wife & Her Lover. I remember seeing it in a different city because it had a small engagement. It was an extremely controversial film, and Time Roth happened to play Mitchel, a dim-witted goon in the thief's gang. The movie was artistic, powerful, and sick. Anyway, it was an important film, which is indicated by for the movie connections for the film.

Chatting
I occasionally use the Yahoo Chat as sort of a email account, just responding quickly to messages. Never thought I would write this, but to one response, "Sorry. Gave up watching guys blowing their load for Lent." Not sure the Pope would be happy with that one. And, no, I had never chatted with the guy before. Or since.

It's the Economy, Stupid

I don't really know what is going on with the economy. I mean, you can watch The Real News, and they say one thing.

Anyway, The Real News has an interesting take on the economy. I think they got it a bit wrong. I mean, sure, there are different reasons for what is happening to our economy, but let's look at the housing market for a moment.

We have banks who are lending money to people, but as soon as the loans are out there, they sell the loans to someone else. So someone qualifies someone for a loan, then they sell that loan. So does the bank really care if the person can pay the loan since the loan has been sold? Hmmmmmmmmm. It would seem to me that there would be a tendency to qualify everyone for the loan. And because wages have not really gone up in 30 years (which is highlighted on the video), we Americans can pretend that we are doing better than our parents by qualifying for a house that is bigger than the house we grew up in. It makes us feel better, and while we are feeling better, we can roll our Visa/Mastercard bills into the new house at the same time. Nice.

I was reading somewhere else that the 800 Billion that was given to banks was sort of wasted money because they did what was in their best interest, suring up their positions, paying their key executives, whatever. And we get mad when they do what is in their best interest because Congress did not anticipate this.

Obama has been in office a short time, and he has already pushed through one bill (worth about $800 Billion), and then he introduced a big ass budget (about 1.3 Trillion deficit). Oh, crap. I mean, George W Bush was a big spender. Problem is, when times are good, we don't want to pay down debt. So when times are bad, we increase our deficit, and when times are good, we really don't make headway – we just start different "programs" that make our elected officials look good. Even The Resident asked a bunch of people, and most on camera did not trust the government with the stimulus package.

Okay, this is more for me than for you. I am just a bit pissed. Just click to your next blog. Me, I am going to start drinking. Well, that is something productive.

Flannery O'Connor

I am not big into biographies, but I noticed one that was recently published: Flannery: A Life of Flannery O'Connor. Many of you, especially if you were educated in the South, have read some of Ms. O'Connor's stories, the most famous being "A Good Man is Hard to Find." Flannery O'Connor is known for a few things:

1. She wrote mostly short stories.
2. She was a stream of consciousness writer.
3. She was Catholic, and it shows in her stories. For those of you who don't realize, being a Catholic in Savannah can be difficult – and more so, when she lived here. Think large Baptist faith community who don't associate with or trust Catholics. Remember, we are talking 1930s to the early 1960s.
4. She is from Savannah, Georgia. Okay, most people know she was a southern writer, but don't know she is from Savannah.

Anyway, this biography is just the second of Ms. O'Connor. Surprising, you say, since she has been described as one of the most important American writers of the 20^th Century. Well, she is a self-described "pigeon-toed child with a receding chin and a you-leave-me-alone-or-I'll-bite-you complex." And that sort of sums up her life. She would joke that the highlight of her life was when she was six, and was filmed with her chickens. A local television station filmed her because she taught them to walk backwards. Quite a feat considering chickens have such small brains. I mean, chickens eat their own poop, cluck and scratch for food all day, and can't even tell when they are dead, running around with their heads cut off.

She died early, of Lupus (an inherited disease – her father died of Lupus when she was 15). And the reason there are not a lot of books written about her life is that it was probably not very interesting. I mean, she even said that it would be hard for someone to write about her biography, since not much happens between the chicken coop and the house. Yeah, chickens were a big part of her short life.

She was sheltered but wrote about subtleties in the human condition. Anyway, she is one of my favorite writers, and I may read this biography. Just because I love her work and want to know more about her. Her words speak to me. I don't know if it is because of the similar background (geography, religious). Or just her words. If I could be one person, I think it would be Betty Hester, someone Ms. O'Connor corresponded with for nearly a decade. Of course, I would not shoot myself as she did, but it would have been so rewarding to be close to someone as talented as Flannery O'Connor.

I have known a few authors in my lifetime, and they always bring me joy, even if it is just for a lunch or a brief conversation.

I will leave you with my three favorite Flannery O'Connor quotations, all which relate to writing:

Everywhere I go, I'm asked if I think the universities stifle writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a best seller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

It seems that the fiction writer has a revolting attachment to the poor, for even when he writes about the rich, he is more concerned with what they lack than with what they have.

The writer can choose what he writes about but he cannot choose what he is able to make live.

Handle With Care

I have been reading a number of "Book Club" blogs lately. They make me feel smarter.

Book Club Girl has ten copies of Jodi Picoult's next bestseller, Handle with Care to give away. The ten copies will be given out by a random drawing.

Enter to win by:
1) posting a comment here about why you love Jodi Picoult
2) Get two entries by commenting AND posting about this contest on another blog
3) Get three entries by commenting, posting on another blog AND tweeting about the contest. Follow her on Twitter, so she can follow you!

Ideally, include links to your post and/or tweet on the initial comment.

Ten winners will be chosen from all entries received by midnight March 5th (given away by Book Club Girl, not me)! Good luck, and follow the links to comment, post, twitter, whatever!

Dr. Seuss Google

I went to Google sometime tonight, and what did I see? Oh my gawd!



I typed "Leesa's Stories" into the field,
and paused to see what it revealed.

---

After posting this, 74WIXYgrad said...

I will make a quick trip here
When I want to see things clear
When the sky is dark or gray
Leesa will make bright my day

Stories here that she has spun
Maybe a tale of having fun
She's a southern belle who shows
Many talents from this site flows

Use MS Word on Forms

You may not know it, but for years, I was a secretary-type. I mostly hated the work, but I enjoyed certain aspects of the job. Like merging a mail list successfully. It sounds lame, and mostly is, but I sometimes even now get excited by secretarial stuff.

This post is one of those times.

1. Scan the form and save it as a picture to your My Pictures folder, or any folder where your picture files are kept. For this example, I scanned a tax form and saved it as a .PNG picture (Figure A).

Figure A



2. Open a blank document in Word.
3. Go to View | Header and Footer. (In Word 2007, double-click in the Header pane of your document.)
4. Go to Insert | Picture and then click From File. (In Word 2007, position the insertion point in the Header pane, click the Insert tab, and then click Picture in the Illustrations group.)
5. Navigate to the file containing your form and click the Insert button.
6. Crop, resize, and reposition the picture as necessary to fit the page.
7. Right-click the picture, go to Format Picture, and click the Behind Text option. (In Word 2007, make sure the form is still selected. Then, under Picture Tools in the Format tab, click Text Wrapping in the Arrange group and choose Behind Text.)
8. Double-click anywhere in the document outside of the Header pane. You can then enter the desired text. (Figure B).

Figure B


To type the data as shown, I decreased the font size to 9, changed the paragraph formatting to single line spacing, and applied 0 spacing before and after the paragraph. This made it easier to use the Enter key to move from one line to another, as if I were using a typewriter.

All the News That's Fit . . .

I have decided that I will get my news from the Internet. And by news, I mean, I will be watching Gnooze. It is pronounced "news", the G being a silent G. Sort of like gnome. Gnooze is hosted by Marta Costello. Looks like she started in news, then did stand up comedy, and then she decided that streaming video seemed like an easy thing to do. Well, that is a bit of a simplification, but there you have it.

I have thought about the news a lot lately, and I am thinking of not paying attention to stuff. On purpose. And not just because it is "work" and I have to read and retain and make sense of all of the different media bias. It really does not have anything to do with that.

I don't think I want to monitor the news because it is counter-productive with being a happy, resourceful and contributing member of society.

When you read or watch local news, you take in the facts. Problem is that your brain treats these facts as representative of the world. We are wired that way. So when you read "child fell down a well and has been trapped there for days", your brain files away something that indicates that there are a bunch of wells around, potentially trapping lots of children. And we don't think, "Hmmmm, if it is in the local news, it must be extra-ordinary or out-of-the-ordinary. You know, newsworthy.

We have the same brains, more or less, that people did ten thousand years ago, when - between mounting the slow chicks - you would see who died when eating which berries. Green berries, bad. Small red berries, really bad. Large red berries, good. Special mushrooms, really good.

So we can't really get that what is on the news is not really what is happening all around us. Even the Amber alerts, they scare the pee out of us when we see one in the local area, but really, children are not getting snatched every day in your community. But if feels that way because our brains are meant to group events because we need to know what kinds of berries to eat.

Not only are we bad at interpreting the frequencies of local news events, but a lot of the time, we get news fragments and cannot put together the big picture of things. I have already heard a few people saying that history may treat George W Bush very well, after we have had time to think about all of his accomplishments. Okay, I nearly spit out a mouthful of Diet Dr. Pepper when I heard that on the news, driving into work.

George W is a boob with some sort of father complex. How can history treat him well. Well, I don't think it will, but the point is that we lack proper perspective as we are digesting these news sound bites.

So if news does not give us proper perspective, what good is it? I mean, let's say I was in tune to the business news for years. Would I be better prepared for what happened in the markets in 2008? No, not a bit. And after the economic decline, meltdown or whatever you want to call it, lots of people said, "Well, we should have known this was coming."

I remember listening to people proudly say that they did not listen to the news . . . when I was in college. I always thought, "What an ignorant, lazy Frat Boy person." Now I wonder if I am the one who has it all wrong.

Maybe it is better to get news from Gnooze, where they at least crack a joke. The one thing I don't want you doing is relying on Marta's blog. I mean, if you want to read a blog, you ought to read this one. Nary a newsworthy item, and occasionally a naughty picture. At least with my blog, you can count on a happy ending or two. Not so with traditional media.

Paul Harvey Dies

Earlier today, I heard that Paul Harvey died on Saturday at the age of 90. I can still hear him saying, "Hello Amer-icans. This is Paul Harvey. Stand by for the news."

Here is some audio of Paul Harvey from November 1963. From Savannah. It is Part I of II. Before my time, but very interesting.

I remember listening to Paul Harvey in the back of an un-airconditioned auto (make/model unknown because I didn't care about cars when I was little; still don't). Conversations in the car ceased when he was on the air. He will be missed.

Random Friday #27

Selective Technophile
The other day, I was looking at my blog (to answer comments), and blogger sort of hiccupped and gave me my blog feed instead. I have not ever seen the feed, and I was a bit surprised. I had heard about feeds for websites that have data that is updated frequently. I am a selective technophile; I understand some technology and don't know much about other things. I can blog and write a few things in HTLM. But I don't do the feed thing. Don't really know about it.

Videos
I have been entertained recently by ~Deb's videos. I mean, she videos Sunday fun, talking about a good porn plot, and my favorite, them just goofing around tp make a music video. Deb is incredibly gifted (has quite an expressive mind). But I sometimes wonder if video editing software is allowing people with smaller budgets and less technology to enter the fray. I would imagine this takes hours and hours to do. I don't have the patience for this, but I am glad that some (~Deb) do. And there are probably a bunch on YouTube that I wish lacked the skill to upload vids, but that is something else.

Academy Awards
I missed the Academy Awards this year, and you know, my life did not change. I did watch omovies summary, and I think I got caught up. I have not been to see an award-nominated movie in quite some time (I did not see Batman because it looked too violent). Don't get me wrong, I like artsy films. But I guess I am more used to a film being in a foreign language to make it artsy.

Blue Juice
I listened to part of Blue Juice, a really bad 1995 movie starring Sean Pertwee as JC, a twenty-something surfer, who is more of a surfer kid than an adult. The best part of the movie is in the first scene, where you see JC with full frontal nudity. Well, there is a strategically placed sock that keeps the movie at an R rating. Catherine Zeta-Jones plays Chloe, his girlfriend. Chole's best line, "Are you telling a woman with a pan of burning fat in her hand that she doesn't know what she is doing?" The film is set in Australia, and I wonder if Catherine Zeta-Jones has a good Australian accent. I have no idea, actually, because I have not been down under.

Anyway, I think if a movie is free on the web (and there is no copyright infringement), I can almost guess that it is old or it is crappy. This one is sort of crappy. There are touching points (about the one hour point, where they talk into a "lie detector blow hole"), but it is normally a bit flat. Or does it go from charming to flat, a bit uneven for a film.

Oh, and is it just me, or could you even imagine Catherine Zeta-Jones being Sean Connery's love interest in Entrapment. He is so sexy, but I just don't see the two of them together.

RPI and Basketball
The RPI (Rating Percentage Index) is a measure of strength of schedule and how a team does against that schedule. Created in 1981, the RPI is a tool used in selecting and seeding the 65 teams for the NCAA Men's basketball Division I tournament. This sentence is taken directly from its definition. But when I looked at the numbers, Tennessee had a #1 strength of schedule. Tennessee plays in the SEC, and according to everyone, they suck this year. Okay, this is by someone who pulls for Georgia Tech. Anyway, how can Tennessee be #1 in SOS when they play in a conference that sucks? I don't know too much about men's basketball, but this makes no sense to me.

Carpe Diem
"If you had one shot, one opportunity to seize everything you wanted. Would you capture it, or just let it slip away?" I heard these lines, or similarities to them, recently on a television program. Okay, I admit it, the lines are a bit lame. I think they were written that way on purpose. But you know, for most of us, I think we let these moments slip away. Sort of sad, really.

Flixter
Flixster.com is a new-ish site. I wonder why they are not being sued by Flicker. Or Twitter. Or both.

Movies
Is it just around here, or do the movie theaters seem more crowded? I want to watch A Powerful Noise but there is some stink associated with the phrase "town hall meeting." Whenever I hear that, I think, "A meeting where we all bitch and agree with one another but nothing gets done." March 6 is when Watchmen premiers. Oh, and that is Malin Akerman on the movie poster. Not sure who she is, but I think people will go just to see her in spandex.


Tagged
I don't like doing memes, and tags are just sort of memes. But since I sort of poked at Ian earlier in the week, he tagged me. Instead of just forgetting, I am going to list 10 sites with attitude. Because I have a bit of 'tude myself, I am not going to follow through with the entire request, telling them that they have an award.

Anyway, here are the rules, some of which I will not be following:

Rules for the award:

1. Put the logo on your blog or post.

2. Nominate at least 10 blogs, which show great Attitude and/or Gratitude!

3. Be sure to link to your nominees within your post.

4. Let them know that they have received this award by commenting on their blog.

5. Nominate your favorites and link to this post.

Here are my nominations, in a particular order, the result of an algorithm that involves numerology, metaphysics and Ti Chi:

1. Let Me Go On and On. Okay, my very own lesbian crush.
2. Grantochrist. If you ignore the J-bunnies, a really funny read.
3. Cup 'o Joe. The only HR person you will ever like.
4. SSC. Joe's main squeeze.
5. Heart of a Family. A day in the life of a super Mom with a child with special needs.
6. Xmichra. 'Nuff said. Don't want to make Deb jealous.
7. Dr. Deb. Always engaging.
8. Mal's Mumblings. One smart cookie.
9. Saur. I don't read her often, but a good blog with good 'tude.
10. A Tail of Two Towns. If you get jealous easily, skip this one. He lives in paradise.

Oh, and if I didn't list you? Maybe that is because I like you more. Did I mention I don't like tags and memes?

Google Error

We're sorry...
... but your query looks similar to automated requests from a computer virus or spyware application. To protect our users, we can't process your request right now.

We'll restore your access as quickly as possible, so try again soon. In the meantime, if you suspect that your computer or network has been infected, you might want to run a virus checker or spyware remover to make sure that your systems are free of viruses and other spurious software.

If you're continually receiving this error, you may be able to resolve the problem by deleting your Google cookie and revisiting Google. For browser-specific instructions, please consult your browser's online support center.

If your entire network is affected, more information is available in the Google Web Search Help Center.

We apologize for the inconvenience, and hope we'll see you again on Google.

I got this message while trying to check Google Mail. Personally, I think my wicked typing speed tricked Google. When I am typing user names and passwords, I type fast. Apparently these skills resemble an automated request from a computer virus.

Me, I think I will take time away from the WWW today. I mean, I am already pissing off Google. I don't want to cause my skills to further hamper the web. Can you imagine this on the nightly news: "Massive Internet outage because Leesa has wicked fast typing skills. A score of geeks are re-writing code to mitigate this type of outage in the future."

A Sexual Addict Among Us

The rapper Kanye West recently admitted to Details Magazine about developing a sexual addition problem in his youth. This prompted me to author this blog entry.

In the summer of 2006, I wrote a blog entry about sexual addiction. In the post, I talked about my own experiences with sexual addiction. The post was titled Concessions of a Crack Whore, and though some may have thought it was meant to be a catchy title or glib, it was really because I felt deep shame about labeling myself as a sexual addict. Probably more shame than if I were a crack whore. Oh, and you can strike the probably.

Anyway, if you want to read a personal post of mine, one that I am really proud of . . . a post of substance that has no concrete answers, follow the link.

But I want to focus today, not with my own revelations about how I developed a sexual addiction, but how I continue to learn to live with this affliction.

Being a sex addict is not nearly as cool as it sounds. I don't have threesomes with neighbors, videotape me "doing it" with the pizza guy, or anything as seemingly glamorous as that. That's not what being a sex addict is all about. For me, it is about cycles. And if you think your menstrual cycle is bad, at least a menstrual cycle is regular. And for most of us, a box of pads and a few Midol or Advil help us cope.

Note: I am only talking about my personal experience. I am not a licensed counselor, and I am not going to be using clinical terms. My brain does not think in clinical terms, and if it did, I would merely bore most of you to tears.

The addiction starts with a stressor. And for me, I have noticed that I have what I call background stress and immediate stress. Background stress would be the state of the economy (when I have not lost my job, but there is all of this chatter about hundreds of thousands of people on the unemployment lines, 401Ks going down, etc.) Then there is the immediate stress. Perhaps I have to work with someone on a project, and there are tight deadlines and I don't really like the person. Perhaps I have not had enough quality time with my husband, and I fear we are drifting apart. All of these are stressors in my life.

When I have more stress than I think I can handle . . . then the cycle may begin.

For me, identification is key. If I know what is going on, and sometimes I don't, my first reaction would be to deal with these stressors in what I consider a grown-up way. Part of this, for me, at least, is hitting the gym. I can run on the treadmill, swim in the pool, do exercise and gather my thoughts. Then I wonder how I can relieve the stress. It could be effectively dealing with a co-worker, reconnecting with my spouse, or realizing that things are not as bad as they seem.

But, if I either don't realize what is going on, or if I am in so much pain/fear/whatever that I don't care, then the sex cycle starts. I have a need to connect and don't choose an appropriate outlet, and it is as if I can see myself from across the room, starting to make bad choices. At this point, I can still recognize what is going on, and I can stop the cycle, but if I don't, I just want to "feel good." Consequences matter not.

It is as if the person I am doesn't matter anymore, and I just want to feel something. It is very primal, and I have described it as if I am going in a rage. And by rage, I don't mean I say mean things or get bloodshot eyes. I can no longer seem to think. I just want to feel.

At this point, before I knew what I was doing, I would make really bad choices. I had sex in my office, not caring if I got caught and fired, or really caring if my husband found out. Certainly, at first, I was . . . careful . . . but when I am in a rage stage, I throw care to the wind. That's actually how I eventually was caught by my husband (and, happily, that started me on my road to recovery).

Anyway, when you don't really care – like reality doesn't really exist – then you begin to pursue some very risky behavior. [Reader, please insert any risky sexual behavior image you would like.] In my previous post, I wrote about having sex in a public restroom in a club. Yeah, unprotected sex in a bacteria-infested restroom. Yuck! And that was not even the worse experience I had. The worst experience was being at a man's house at lunchtime and having him urinate on me. I cried for an hour before having the composure to call back to the office to make an excuse for me to go home early that day.

I mean, these are experiences that I would have never guessed I could do. Never in a million years.

Anyway, after the sexual acting out and gratification (and/or emptiness), I realize that I am a complete moron. I wake up from the stupor and feel extreme shame. I always promise that it is the last time I will do this, and things seem fine for a while.

Then another stressor is in my life, and the cycle may start again.

Since going to counseling, I have not cheated on my husband with another person "in real life." And for the most part, I don't chat online or look at porn. For the most part. And when I fail to recognize the signs or don't care, I may look at porn or chat.

I have had to make other choices as well. Rules, if you will.

I don't masturbate. I am not saying that masturbation is bad. I actually stopped masturbating in college for three semesters. It wasn't until half-way through my sophomore year that I figured I could masturbate in the restrooms after I heard someone else from the dorm doing it. Yeah, Leesa is not the sharpest tool in the shed. My problem is that masturbation starts taking over, and it is hard for me to stop. So it just is not a part of my life. I miss it, too.

I write erotica in a very controlled environment. I love to write, and occasionally, I want to write erotica. But I cannot write erotica if I am depressed or stressed. And I can't violate the masturbation rule when writing erotica. I can promise you that I received more orgasms from my first several stories than anyone else received. It was a part of my writing process that I no longer repeat.

I don't have sex toys. Sex toys would be a temptation. 'Nuff said.

No pornography in the house. Not that we had a lot of porno anyway, but I deleted all of the images I had stored on my hard drive and CDs. Oh, and we got rid of about ten classic books that dealt in sex. Some of them were a bit rare, but they had to go.

Restricted chatting. I used to chat online a lot. Now I rarely do.

The rules that I occasionally break are the online chatting and the viewing of pornography online. Believe it or not, I have only masturbated twice since establishing these rules. Once was by myself at home, and the second time was when I was chatting with a friend (the orgasm was tremendous). Both times I masturbated, I then felt extreme shame. Same with the online chatting, and only occasionally with the viewing of pornography. I have broken these rules rarely, and I get on track shortly thereafter.

Here is one surprise: sex with my husband is better than ever. I won't go into details, but we don't break any rules of physics – and that is okay. Body parts don't go where they were not designed to go, and we have a good time reconnecting. Just thinking about it brings a smile to my face.

I am going to end with the same paragraph I used in my last long post on this subject.

Comments are okay, but not necessary. This is a dirty post about a dirty subject. Some don't believe that this exists, and some don't see it as a problem. Men have asphyxiated while masturbating in a closet (clear bag over head) – nice image for the daughter and wife to see. Some have performed illegal sex acts. Others have driven into trees while masturbating. Sad, sad stories. Hopefully someone reading this may do as I have done and sought help before their live spiraled out of control. Or maybe this will encourage tolerance.

Blind Faith

I was looking down at my engagement ring the other day, and I had a strange thought: "How do I know that the diamond is real?" I mean, it looks really sparkly and all, but I am not a gemologist. I have seen quite a few diamonds, but I don't really know if they are real either.

It is not like in ninth grade science class, we were shown diamonds next to cubit zirconiums, and then had to figure out which was which. We did not learn that sort of thing in my high school. Of course, in high school, we dissected frogs, and if someone gave me a scalpel and a frog, I could not identify the frog's spleen from his gall bladder. And I could do that in high school. Okay, I really couldn't do it – biology was not my strong suit. But still, I can't identify (or grade) diamonds.

But I have a diamond on my finger, and I assume it is real. I believe this . . . on blind faith. And I really hope my husband bought me a real diamond. He was dirt poor at the time, and I know the ring cost more than two month's salary. Thanks De Beers diamonds, for all of your marketing.

Another thing.

When we bought our house, I signed a bunch of paperwork. And I read most of the paperwork – nearly all of it. But by the end of the closing, I did not know what I was signing. I can imagine, ten minutes after closing, that if zombies were to be coming out of the ground like daisies, we would have no recourse because I signed the "I take full responsibility for zombies" clause.

Every year . . . at least thirty people in Georgia purchase homes. Okay, pre-September thousands of people were closing monthly. But now . . . oh, where was I? The point is that a lot of people close on houses, and unless you are a real estate attorney, you probably don't know the ramifications for signing all of the documents. You sign, more or less, on blind faith.

Years ago, this would have freaked me out. Now, I am okay with it. I mean, we can't all be experts on everything. Sometimes we have to just accept that we should just stumble along as best we can . . . on blind faith.

Another Thousandaire's Thoughts

Ian had an interesting post a while back. Here is part of the blog entry:

So, by this stage of my life the only thing I want to spend money on is (aside from the obvious like mortgage, food, cable and transportation) is travel. That is never money badly spent.

So, you can imagine the joy in my acquisitive soul when blogger Leslie offered me a cool five grand. That’s right. In her tagging of me she said $5,000 would be laid on me; my personal bailout, if you will. All I have to do is respond to a simple question: What would you do if given $5,000? A nice little sum that. Not a half million, but tolerable. So, when she tagged me you can imagine how jubilant I was.
All I have to do to get my five grand is suggest a worthy use for it. Excellent.

It was only a while later that I realized that the sum was strictly symbolic and that no filthy lucre would change hands between her and me.

I have thought about Ian's challenge. He did not challenge me (insert pouting lips here), but I will take up the challenge nonetheless.

If someone would give me $5,000 with the stipulation that I use it in some way that has an impact on my life, I think I know what I would do. But before I reveal what I consider to be a great answer, I would like to tell you a few things that I discounted.

My first thought was concerning my 401K. Yeah, it needs a little bit of life breathed back into it. I thought about adding to my 401K, but not only is that sort of boring, but it also might not be a good idea as well. I still contribute monthly, but I can't help but thinking I am throwing good money after bad.

Next thought was education - $5,000 will probably be enough for about a year worth of classes at a public institution. It would be an investment in me. But do I really want to go back to school and get a Master's degree. Probably not.

A down payment on a car. I mean, I think automobiles are a bit on sale right now. And my car is getting older. But you know, I think I can stand another year or two before the car starts giving me problems. And it is paid off. A paid off car drives so much better than a car with a note. I don't know why, but there it is.

A ticket to Los Vegas and $4,000 in chips. That would be one way to spend five grand. I have been gambling before, and I just can't get into it. It gives me little joy.

But after careful consideration, I decided that the wisest way to spend $5,000 would be to use it to purchase hours in an art class. A small class where I would learn to paint. When I was in high school, I was a student that enjoyed creating art but was a bit disappointed with what I created. I guess my imagination was at one level, and my skills were at a lower level. I would want to learn to paint, and then paint. And paint.

When one thinks about writing one's own obituary (not that I am sick or wanting to die), one may want to include skills that makes someone unique. I enjoy writing and would eventually want to pen a book, but if I had $5,000 to spend, I would want to buy paints, hours in the presence of an art teacher and canvas. Then turn the blank canvas into something special. Five thousand dollars is not really a lot of money, but it is enough to change someone's . . . anyone's . . . life. The thing is, you have to know how to spend the money.

Random Friday #26 (Half of a Deck of Cards)

Legislative Inefficiencies
We have inefficiencies in a lot of our systems. When many spending bills are passed, there is a certain amount of "pork" attached to it. And senior legislatures think of this as the cost of doing business. I mean, you can see senators and congressmen attaching amendments to bills to fund the building of a road, the additional of a program, whatever. Even in local media, people talk about government grants (based on the passing of some of these bills) as if it were free money. Someone has to pay the bills, or at least print the money.

Healthcare Inefficiencies
We all want health insurance. But if you look at it on the whole, the insurance industry costs us a lot of money. I mean, if you go to the ER, the bill is more than $200 to be seen. Even if the answer is, "Looks like you are not going to die. Schedule an appointment with your PCM to get drugs." I don't know the answer, but I expect when the Chili's waitperson asks me to pay the bill with a Celebrex pen, I am seeing some of the cost of healthcare.

Numerology
I am a big believer that numerology is a bunch of crap, but then I look at how I make decisions. If I go on an elevator, I don't like taking elevator 1 or 4 (if there are many elevators). Completely irrational. When looking at bathroom stalls, I pick an even number from the end, all else being equal. When leaving a tip, I always pay in whole dollars, so a 23.11 becomes 27.11. Why not $27.00 even? Anyway, it seems that so many little decisions are based on completely irrational things, why shouldn't I believe in numerology. I mean, I am half-way there right now.

Being Polite
I have a friend who always says "How are you" as a greeting. The other day, she said this while passing someone. I was with her, and the person did not respond. She said, under her breath but loud enough for me and the offender to hear, "Bitch." If you act polite and then are rude, does that make you a rude person who appears polite on the outside? I think it does.

Boob Jobs
I have known three women at work (over the years) that have had boob jobs. Well, two I knew, and one I suspected. Both women that had them wanted me to feel their boobs. I mean, when I complimented them (more out of social obligation than anything else), both said, "Go ahead, touch them." After an awkward pause, I touched them (more out of social obligation than anything else). I avoided both women for the rest of the day. The third woman – who took a week off for an "elective procedure" I suspected just did not want for us to feel her boobs. Actually, when she came back, my first reaction was to look at her face – I mean, I thought she was having some other work done. After writing this, I think I have revealed too much.

US Post Office
If it will save a bunch of money, I would be okay with having mail delivered 4 days per week: Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday. I mean, they are off so many Mondays anyway, and I suspect that they skip a day anyway. I would even endorse them switching it up, the days they deliver, around time zones, if that helps. I mean, when I mail a package, I know there is a 30% chance that it will be lost or damaged anyway, if mailed through the US Post Office. True story: I overnighted something (at the cost of $30 or so), and the US Post Office delivered it one month later. It was a flat envelope that looked like it got caught in some gears or something. It was something like a contract – and when it did not arrive in a day, I had to re-notarize the stuff and re-mail. Not only did I have to pay another $30, but when I found out that the original was delivered a month late, they would not refund the money. Something about them not guaranteeing their service. So now I am a fan of UPS or Fed Ex. Both work so much better.

Market Forces
I am a big believer in market forces. If you make something illegal (drugs), you drive up the price to the point where some will still meet the needs of the people who want illegal drugs. [I am not saying that drugs are good or bad with this example; personally I think most illegal drugs probably do harm to the body.] Anyway, I sort of like The Mentalist. I don't love the show, but I like it. What I did not like was that CBS stopped streaming the show. So then you find sites pop up, just looking for a show or two. I wish CBS would come to its senses and stream the video. In an environment where everyone is scrambling for viewership, this makes little sense.

Being Objectified, or Chickipedia
While looking for an image for a recent post on news and Gnooze, I found a site called Chickipedia. I did not use the pic on the Gnooze blog entry because the pic was a bit too sexy for my blog. I don't buy into objectifying women. Well, I did not until I saw this site. The site boasts near 8,000 women (called chicks), more than 100 thousand images, a bunch of videos and three articles. Okay, there are probably a bunch of articles as well, but they are not featured on the site. Whenever you see an image that lists their approximate bust, waist and hip measurements and then will link to similar chicks, I am thinking "objectifying." And then I think – um, guys, come back to my post. Really. Guys. Please finish my post first.

Caroline Smailes Interview
I just read on SSC's blog where she interviewed Caroline Smailes. I am a tad bit jealous, because I know meeting an author can be a wonderful experience. She even has a contest for a signed book on her site. Not that I want any competition, but I suggest you go over to her site and check out the interview and the contest.

Phallic Symbols on the Brain

I read with interest how ~Deb's psychiatrist pieced together that her venue for her wedding ceremony (a lighthouse) might be a subconscious attempt to suggest that she is missing something. Think of a sex organ that she and Madeline both lack.

I had not a clue, either.

Then I thought of the lighthouse at Tybee Island, a place that I am completely at peace. So I love this phallic symbol. When I went to Washington, DC, years ago, what was one of the highlights of my trip? Visiting the Washington Monument. You know, Washington, DC's 555 foot pecker.

And when I went to Paris, France. What attraction was I drawn to that make me weak at the knees when I experienced rising to the top of it? The Eiffel Tower. More than 1000 feet of iron penis.

My favorite pasta? Butternut squash ravioli – that is, ravioli stuffed with a vegetable that looks like a dick with balls. Speaking of vegetables, what are two of my other favorite vegetables? Asparagus and mushrooms, both resembling little cocks.

Pretty soon it appears that my whole world is all about the male organ. The dream that always scares me? Dreams of snakes. Thanks, Sigmund Freud and your dream interpretation. Long, wiggling penises pursuing me is scary.

Pardon me while I look for a good stiff drink. I just hope the container doesn't resemble a . . . you know what.

Lookists

I have read a lot about the images of women lately. First there was me and my Madonna post. Then there was Ian, with his Jessica Simpson post (really about skinny verses voluptuous). And Dr. Deb and her "F is for Fat" post. Then there was Knot and his pubes (okay, not his, but Playmate pubes or lack thereof). You put that together with SI and their annual swimsuit issue, along with an article in this month's Wired magazine (more on that later), and we are a society that judges based on looks.

I was going to coin a phrase, lookist. But it looks like it is already in use. From Wikipedia:

Lookism is discrimination against or prejudice towards others based on their appearance. The term is not in widespread use, though it appears in major English language dictionaries.

Lookism has received scholarly attention both from a cultural studies and an economics perspective.[2] In the former context, lookism relates to preconceived notions of beauty and cultural stereotyping based on appearance as well as gender roles and expectations. Important economic considerations include the question of income gaps based on looks, as well increased or decreased productivity from workers considered beautiful or ugly by their co-workers.

I was reading in the current issue of Wired Magazine - I don't normally read it - they had a two page article that showed the BMI of both the average woman in the US (it has gone up since Playboy's inception in 1953, from about 21 to 29) and the BMI of the Monthly Playboy Playmates. Yeah, the playmates BMI has gone down over the same timeframe (from about 18.5 to about 17.7 or so).

I see it this way – women and men in the US are getting bigger. But the idealized female form continues to get skinnier and skinnier. Now I recently joined the Operation Skinny Bitch blog, but I just want to track my weight over time. I don't want to be a skinny bitch, but a healthy sized bitch that has really good muscle tone.

I vacillate back and forth from being upset with lookists to understanding that certain components are important in certain circumstances. For instance, I can understand the need to have attractive people on the news – I mean, most are just reading Teleprompters and have good teeth. That does not bother me at all. And face it, most movie stars are attractive as well – we want to see beautiful people on the silver screen. But if I go in my dentist's office, I want a receptionist that is kind, pleasant and guards my health information voraciously. That's about it.

I have often thought that if we went around in bathing suits year round, people would be more fit. Actually, I think I said naked at one point, but because of health concerns, I am amending my thought. A few years ago, I visited San Diego, CA, and I was amazed at how beautiful all of the people were. Tourists stuck out because of their weight and their lack of tans. People from San Diego were almost universally hot. Men and women, most of which were so attractive. It might be the nice weather most of the year (where you can't hide extra pounds) or that attractive people are drawn to the city. Who knows, perhaps lookists flock to San Diego. They form GQ gangs, get their teeth capped in bulk, that sort of thing.