Monday, March 31, 2008

Loosing My Voice

Have you ever been home all day by yourself, not talking to anyone? Then someone calls, you answer the phone, and you speak but the words don't make any sense. It is sort of like loosing your voice. And when I do this, the person on the other end of the phone invariably asks, "Did I wake you up?"

I want to blurt out, "Fuck no, I don't normally sleep at 2 in the afternoon," but that response is not very lady-like. Plus, since I have not used my voice all day, it would come out like "Er um, n-nnnoooooo."

Writing this morning is sort of like loosing my voice. I have not written a word in a week, and I fear that I have lost my voice. Not my physical voice, but the voice I use when writing.

I have lost my voice before. When I was younger, I began writing. I would write as if I was talking to my best friend. She and I shared so much, but I would write everyone as if I was writing her. My writing was open and frank. It was a little too open, so after a while, I decided to write everyone in a different voice, a "letter to grandfather" voice. I respected my grandfather, and when writing in that voice, I was more reserved, more proper, and my spelling was better.

So throughout my late childhood and early adulthood, all correspondence – well, most correspondence – was done in my "letter to grandfather" voice. The sole exception, I suppose, was sexy letters to boyfriends. Most letters to boyfriends still used the "letter to grandfather" voice, but if they involved thinking about my boyfriend's loins, I switched voice. Better than paying for years of psychotherapy.

Actually, when my grandfather died, I stopped writing for a while. I lost my voice, I suppose. I wrote a few times, mostly to him, about his death. But I stopped writing my parents (I tried writing them once per week, so they knew I was alive). Telephone calls seemed extravagant at the time. We talked to each other for five or ten minutes on Sundays at 4:00 pm (an hour before the rate changes, from weekend to Sunday night).

Pardon me while I get my voice back, and no, I did not just wake up.

9 comments:

グラント said...

I started a post today and thought it read like crap, so I postponed it until I'm fully away. I'll get back to it after DST ends and the federales stop forcing me to awaken an hour early every stinking morning.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Hell, I've been at work since 6:45 this morning and I just woke up about an hour ago...;)

Don't tell the boss...;)

Ian Lidster said...

No, because I know what you sound like when you wake up. I don't really, of course, I just wanted to see if you were paying attention. Anyway, Leesa, it's nice to have you back. I missed you.

GW Mush said...

Hi Leesa,

Welcome back, I wish I had a cool April fool's comment to make but I lost my April voice and am trying to get it back:)

Advizor said...

I'm not sure if we lose our voice or if we just transition between the various ones that float around in our heads. We have our "good girl/good boy" voices, our "bad/naughty/devilish" voices, our angry and resentful voices, the ones that encourage and cheer us on, the ones draw us in to despair.

I think my day is governed by the voice that wakes up in my head first. Do I start my day with positive thoughts and a cheerful voice, or do the worries of the night weigh upon me and unleash the voices that criticize and depress?

When my mom passed away I settled into a very reflective voice, one that questioned life's meaning and ends. It took conscience effort to find a new voice, but what I found was not what I expected.

Now I mainly write in "First Person Horny" and it seems to work out all right.

I'm sure you will find a new voice, a unique Leesa voice that will sound funny in your head for a while, but we will all recognize it at you.

Welcome Back
Advizor.

Advizor said...

correction:

but we will all recognize it as you.

Angel... said...

Hi Leesa,

Welcome back.. Its nice to see you back.

Missed u alott

take care

Beyond The Rave Reality said...

Get some more rest and drink a lot of water. Maybe that will help.. Relax, it can happen to anyone

~Deb said...

It's sometimes refreshing to lose my voice at times. I'm glad you're back though.

My voice, verbally and written usually gets me into heaps of trouble anyway.

Missed ya!