Jobs I want: #2 Substitute Grandmother

You know, I was thinking the other day – and yes, my writer's block is slowly going away; thanks for asking. Yeah, being a replay official would be a great job. But there can't be more than 16 or so of those jobs available at any one time. One thing I was wondering about that job, too, is if you call in sick on a Sunday, do you still get paid for the week? I mean, you worked the other days.

Okay, so I need a backup plan. I mean, I might not get to be a replay official. Second option – a substitute grandmother.

Who would need a substitute grandmother? My contention is lots of people would need such services. Let's face it, we are a mobile society. Oh, except for those in Canada. We move around a lot, and lots of people move away from their relatives – with the idea in the back of their minds, "you can pick your friends but not your relatives." We have all heard that phase at one time or another – and we also act as if you can choose your address but not your relatives.

Now I am not suggesting that your mothers and fathers are bad people. But let's face it, the requirements for being parents have nothing to do with compassion, being fun, being interesting or being likable – they have to do with gametes, one each please. [For those in the Bible belt, gametes are the birds and the bees.] Sorry for being so graphic; not lady-like, I know.

So if you don't like your parents or don't live close to them, perhaps you need a grandparent around some of the time. That's where I come in! For less than the price of a plane ticket, I will come to your house or you to mine, and I will entertain your kiddos. And, here is the best part – I won't give you advice on being better parents for two reasons: (1) I have no experience being a parent myself (think about it, when is the last time you have told a police officer how to do his job?), and (2) my commitment to you ends when your check clears the bank.

You will not hear any "why don't you call me anymore" or "I would not have tolerated that behavior from you" type of comment from me. I get to play with your kids and charge you for the pleasure.

And I could have certain packages available:

Crabby Grandma
Perhaps you want your kids to know how good they really have it. For a little more cash, I will complain about when I was a little girl, in 1920, tracking 5 miles to school. I know, I know, I don't have grey hair. I will buy a wig. I wonder if there is grey hair color available. Can you imagine going to the salon and saying, "I'd like to do a little something different with my hair. Can you dye it grey?" I'd have a camera ready to capture the stylists facial expression. That would be a great candid camera moment!

Present Grandma
If you want your children to have good memories of grandma giving them stuff, I will have hard candies in my house. Aged well, mind you. And I will give them nice shiny quarters. When they look disappointed, I will ask, "Doesn't a quarter buy a movie ticket, a bag of popcorn and a drink?"

Drunk Grandma
For special occasions – Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years and the like – you can buy my services in a "toasted" variety. Everyone has memories of drunk grandma. Now, it is not fun to see all of the time, but once in a while, it is a hoot. Years from now, you can recall when grandma was so drunk she came out of the bathroom with a long piece of toilet paper trailing her every move. Or how she kissed the dog because she thought it was a grandchild (that would be an extra charge).

You know, I can see myself franchising this idea. I would, however, be very selective in who would get a franchise in their geographic location. Oh, franchise fees. Now that is something to orgasm over.