Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Comfortable shoes just don't fit me

Yesterday, I posted something to another person's blog that was a bit racy. I know, you are thinking to yourself, "Sweet Leesa posting something racy. I don't believe it." Yeah, I know, life can be a bit unpredictable. Not to re-post my comment, but the blog-owner assumed I was bi. I am not.

I wrote about a kiss the other day, and when I was in college, I did have a bi experience. Perhaps I will write about it one day. The experience lasted 7 days – not cooped up in her dorm room all seven days. We had to go out for food (a joke). But I remember thinking about it, about her, about the whole experience.

And here is why we stopped seeing each other – I did not want to be bi (or a lesbian). Whatever the label would be. I had dreams of a small house, white-picket fences, baking cookies for my children, drying my hands on my apron, seeing my children playing in the backyard. At the time, and even still (some would argue), lesbians don't get to live out their dreams. Not if they involve family. [I am not saying it fair; just an observation.]

And at the time, lesbians had to wear comfortable shoes, had really bad style. It was out-of-favor. It wasn't for another 5 years that being a lesbian (or bi) became cool. You still couldn’t do the normal things unless you had piles of money (and I am fairly sure I couldn't have been Ellen DeGeneres' partner (humor is such a turn-on). Just not in her league – and she has the cash to adopt the children, buy the acceptance.

Plus there was the thought "what would I tell my parents." Oh how they would have freaked out. I really enjoyed the lovemaking – especially the closeness and kissing. But after the joy, I could see so many problems with doing the lesbian thing. And being bi – not sure my Church would have been thrilled over that as well. Hard to be faithful with one person when you want to bed both men and women.

Women seem to be more practical than men – how many times have they married the man who had earning power instead of the one that made their heart skip each time he glances at you. And practically speaking, I chose to be "straight." I am sexual, and I think sexual beings have a tendency to expand their normal sexual roles, rules, experiences.

But let's forget the comfortable shoes.


Long Iron said...

And where do we find LOVE in all of this? Or are we even looking for LOVE? What is wrong with experiencing the people in our lives who have made our hearts skip a beat, even for a little while? When it is time to settle, do we do so willingly, or do we fight it tooth and nail? Where do we place happiness in our lives?

Your post has caused my to think a lot about whether my shoes are a little too comfortable or need some working in.

uscphil said...

I read your comment and never thought you were bi. Any man you are with has to be the luckiest man alive.

Spexial said...

well i am a lesbian and my bey and i are living just's all about what you want and being comfortable with more and no less...

ken said...

long iron, great is more than a fleeting eruption of our is a commitment, an accepting of another understanding we are not perfect, will not ever totally satisfy the one we love...yet loving the nuances that do make us unique,. i love my girlfriend, have an amazing life with her, and still seek to flirt and share, to express the thoughts surging through me, of daily life, of romantic, naughty desires....i like your line of comfortable shoes....easy to allow our union with another to become ordinary, fettered by responsibilities.....i love that my outlet here increases my passion for my lover, fuels the yearnings within me!

loved the sharing between you, leesa and jillian.... i realize i post many comments to your blog....hope i dont intrude...i also appreciate the other intriguing sites you link to....still in awe of all the various people sharing their thoguhts....i love to learn! ken of louisiana

Leesa said...

Professor Spex: My experience was in the early 90s, and I was young. Not sure what I would do now. The story was not meant to disrespect lesbians or the lesbian lifestyle. Just not for me.

Ken: I love reading your comments.