Monday, April 20, 2009

Chemistry 101

I love storytellers, and I was looking at a blog recently with Storyteller in the title, "Confessions of a Sultry Storyteller". She had an interesting post the other day, that started like this:

Would you rather have great chemistry or great sex? If you had to choose which would you want? I have rarely met a couple that has both.

Which leads me to wonder can one live on great chemistry alone and no sex, or great sex and no chemistry?

I am not sure how to answer the question, though I think it is an interesting question.

When I met my husband, we had chemistry. We had good (not great) sex, but the kissing. Oh, the kissing. It was chemistry.

Now that I have been married for many years (more than 10, rapidly approaching 20), I have had a number of great sexual expenses. The sex has been good, great, and forgettable. And the interesting thing is that there will be weeks that are simply great – two or three wonderful sex sessions in a week. Sex that curls the toes it is so good. And then there will be weeks of "ho hum" sex.

The chemistry is about the same. I still melt when my husband calls me at work. And at other times, I can't wait until he has a business trip so I can soak in a tub and read. His stubble on a Saturday morning can be so wonderful or irritating. It just depends.

The sex turned into great sex, perhaps because my husband learned a bit about me. Perhaps because I changed a bit. Perhaps from a variety of things.

For me, I would rather have chemistry. I know you can learn how to be a better lover, and so that even if the sex is good but not great, you can improve upon it.

Until a few years ago, I would have thought the chemistry part is not learned. It was just the way it is. I don't think that anymore. When I was cheating on my husband, our chemistry had gone. Completely gone, and I figured that's what happens after nearly a decade of marriage. We went to counseling afterwards, and the therapist said that love is an action verb. We can choose to love, and when we do loving things, we start feeling more love. And when that happens, the chemistry seems to have been rekindled. A weird thing.

I get back to the question: would you rather have great chemistry or great sex? Do we really have to choose between the two if we want both?

On a completely unrelated note, I just notice that word verification is forming many more words than it used to. To make comments on many blogs, there is a word verification. Usually it asks you to type something like this: asdfioqw. Well, I have seen a bunch of words lately. Snacky. Boogers. Riskqe (almost a word). What if aliens have started communicating through word verification and we have not paid attention? The first words were not really well-spelled. What can you expect from aliens, anyway? And not they are learning words. The next thing is sentence structure. I think an alien is using my blog to tell us that they are observing people pick their noses (a booger snack?). If I disappear, blame the aliens.


Grant said...

With great chemistry I could invent a doomsday biological weapon and demand the J-bunnies give me great sex, as well as making trillions in ransom money which I will use to build an island fortress. Some of these questions really don't require a lot of thought.

Under the Influence said...

I guess I always thought great chemistry would lead to (usually) great sex - or at least a healthy sex life.

Xmichra said...

I want both. I have both currently, and do not intend to change that. I think it is like you have outlined, if you do loving things the chemistry grows, and the sex is awesome. I don't think i have ever had great sex with someone there was no chemistry with. Maybe it depends on the person.

SSC~ The Domestic Diva said...

I agree with Xmichra with wanting both. I never thought you could have the best of both worlds.

Leesa said...

Grant: You have clarified the situation for me. But I really don't want to have sex with J-bunnies.

Under the Influence: You are probably right.

Xmichra: I don't blame you one bit.

SSC: You can have both - with the same guy, even. It just can't be every guy.

LarryLilly said...

Hands down chemistry.

When you get older sex isnt as much friction as it was when you were in your 20's, 30's etc.

But as long as chemistry is there, then its still great.

The old adage, show me a woman who is interesting, and she is sexy her whole life.

Anonymous said...

My wife and I had a similar discussion this weekend. It was along the lines of "can you have great sex if there is no real relationship?"

The more I've researched and found, there are two rules, yes rules.

1. Women want security
2. Men want significance.

Women can have all the sex they want, but then why do they tend to want the relationship?

Men want all the sex they can have, but if they don't get the respect, he's not happy.

So, ... I think it's more of a relation between the two. The sex may be frequent, but not good. The chemistry may be really good, and usually the sex follows.

Tim said...

When my wife an I first met, there was instant chemistry, both emotional and physical. Over the years the sexual chemistry rises and falls, usually dues to outside forces like the needs of six grown kids, work pressures and travel, but the emotional chemistry is as strong as ever. The kids still make fun because we sit close, hold hands and love to spend time together.

Yes you can have both, but I think the strong emotional chemistry will carry you when the sexual chemistry isn't always bubbling over. (catch that chemistry comment?) lol

kathi said...

I've had great chemistry with barely tolerable sex. I've had toe curling sex with people I could barely stand outside of having sex with them. So...yeah, I get it. I want both next time.

Malach the Merciless said...

I like to make Bombs, that is chemistry

Leesa said...

Larry: I think that will be the consensus.

Knot: I think this is more like it. Men want one thing (whatever that thing is, significance, for instance). Women want all sorts of things, even if the things seem to contradict one another at times.

Tim: I got it. Does chemistry smell like sulphur?

Kathi: You deserve both.

Malach: What is it with men and things that explode?

Ian Lidster said...

I don't think we have to choose between the two, but chemistry is vital, absolutely. Ah, toe-curling sex. My darling that took my mind to some wonderful memories of that awesome physical response. Maegan said...

wow....that is such a hard one ...I don't know if you can have one without the other. in fact, in my experience, you can't.