Friday, October 27, 2006

Creative Voting Practices

I voted recently – I mail my vote in because, well, it is so much easier for me. When I started voting, I am not sure there were absentee ballots, and if they did have them, I did not know about them. I used to like voting on the actual day of voting, but it lost its luster.

And if you think about it, voting takes a lot of energy to pick the best candidate that reflects what you want him or her to do in Washington (or in the state or locally).

I am going to describe a voting decision tree – the type of tree that, if you don't have a favorite candidate, might help you out! I can write this out in diagram, but, alas, I can't scan it into my computer. Darned it.

Okay, a decision tree basically guides you to an answer by answering simple questions. Without further ado, let us begin.

1. Have you ever slept with the candidate? If the answer is yes, voter for the candidate. Reasoning: if you have bedded a public official, you may have "pull" because you have already pulled parts of their anatomy. I mean, you may be able to sleep with the person in the future – if you were good in bed. Or you may be able to blackmail – if you have pictures. The possibilities, while not endless, are interesting. So this trumps all. If the answer is no, go to 2.

2. Is the candidate dead? If yes, vote for the candidate. He/she will not lie to you, and that is worth your vote. Also, having a dead candidate win over a live candidate is funny as hell, and you ought to have some fun while voting. Plus it gives material for David Letterman. If the answer is no, go to 3.

3. Is the candidate an actor? If yes, vote for the candidate. Notice that I am not asking about Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, or from the Green Party. The reason for this is that candidates make good news. They put themselves in the public eye, more so than normal candidates. I don't know if Schwarzenegger is good or bad for California, but he gives one heck of a sound bite. I mean Jay Leno knows that the Terminator brings eyeballs to the show, even if Angelides didn't get the same air time (he has not been scheduled but probably will appear because of FCC rules). If the answer is no, go to 4.

4. Is the candidate a lesbian? If yes, vote for the candidate. Now this part if for the guys. Think about it – if you ask your wife for a threesome, and she is reticent, perhaps doing it with a candidate would push her over the edge. Now, you know I have not cheated on hubbie in a long while, but I think I would screw with the President of the United States. Not proud of it, but if he wanted me, I would not pass that up. I was upset with President Clinton for Monica and the blue dress, but after thinking about it, I was never that upset with the act itself. Upset with the cover-up for sure, with the whole "depends on the definition of is." But the actual sex – he probably got offers every day. I would not offer myself up, but if asked, "hell yes" would have been my reply. But I wouldn't just have sex with a mayor or even governor. Well, maybe California's current "gov". Just kidding. Sort of. If the answer is no, go to 5.

5. Has the candidate a past that seems entertaining? If yes, vote for the candidate. I mean, if during the campaign, there are pictures of the wife in lingerie that surface (or of the daughter on myspace), the brother is a colorful boozer, the wife is a ditz, whatever seems entertaining. Again, think entertainment more than governance. If the answer is no, go to 6.

6. Is the candidate handsome/pretty but the family not-so-much. If the answer is yes, vote for the candidate. Face it, after they are in office and are screwing things up, at least you will see unflattering photos of the family and can console yourself that they go home to them at night and you can pretend that they have personalities that match their looks. If the answer is no, go to 7.

7. If all of these filters do not lead to a "yes" vote, vote against the incumbent. The incumbent has several advantages in winning a race (name recognition, franking laws, using government assets/opportunities to place your name in front of voters). Vote against the incumbent; give the challenger a better chance.

Now go and vote. I actually use number 7 exclusively (when I know little about a candidate, and sometimes when I know more). My vote against the system.


QUASAR9 said...

lol! love the tree
well don't 'love it' but you know what I mean.

I was going to ask who you voted for, but then I read seven or voting for the challenger hmmmmm
does that mean if I stand as a challenger I can count on your vote and get to bed you too.
now there is a challenge I cannot resist - everything else may have just been relegated to second place

Do I have to stand as a challenfger in a US State, or will little old England do?

PS - I hope if your hubbie is reading this he shares my humour.

Katie McKenna said...

Thanks so much for sharing yourself ~ I started laughing while I was reading your first post. I continued reading.. what a lovely coffee break! Thank you for that and stopping by my blog to comment on my artwork.

Anonymous said...

Does the lesbian canidate have a Bald pussy? Just teasing

I'm a long time reader who never comments

Anonymous said...

Formally known as joe and to some jay

QUASAR9 said...

Been looking at the political waters, and there's an underlying current, one quote I found from Just Tom:
"It was not popular for a presidential candidate to be an abolitionist, but slavery is gone"
Maybe one day people will finally realise that
"Whilst it appears there is no chance for a pacifist Presidential candidate, Peace will win the day"

So if you want to be refreshed either jump in the shower with Zest, or press the Refresh button
oh! and why not vote for Quasar9
in Sar's captions contest too

LarryLilly said...

I used to read with detail the positions, but lately, the positions are not posted. The only position they have is the one I want to see, at least that is their hope. So while you have a decision tree, I use your number 7. We cant do wrong by letting the outside guy in.

Prata said...

You could just use visio to do this electronically and then save as an image and post. I'm just sayin'.

If you do not have Visio, one if in the possession of such software could be persuaded to offer aforementioned software to one that may or may not be seeking such software...were one actually seeking software of that type...

I'm just saying.

Advizor said...

I always vote against the incumbent, unless it would lead to a democrat winning. For judges, city councils, dog catchers, senators, and any other trivial positions, I just figure that things are screwed up now, so we might as well stir the pot. I'm also a big fan of term limits, I'm in favor of one term per person. They can take turns every other cycle, but they have to take turns with some one of a different position. It could be a gay/straight rotation, democrat/libertarian/republican cycle, or a athiest/christian/jew/muslim/druid situation.

I just don't like it when people get entrenched and start thinking that then know what's good for me.

Leesa said...

quasar: thanks, sweetie.

katie: love the artwork, but I did not read the poetry. Not in a poetry kind of mind today but I want to read it.

jody: why do so many shave now a days. If I did not bare my arms (an impossible task), I would not shave the armpits either.

larry: my thoughts exactly.

prata: visio = too much work

advisor: I can hardly tell the difference between Dems and Reps anymore.

Katie McKenna said...

Leesa... no worries. I appreciate the fact that you made a bit of time to visit. :) I came back to finish reading before I head

Thank you again for sharing!

Anonymous said...

I personally like it so maybe that is why because they like it, but I do like it grown out every now and then

Dwardisimo Rex said...

Holy crap, that's awesome. I gotta tell ya, I'm feeling inclined to steal that. Good stuff.

Dr. Deborah Serani said...

You are SO hilarious!!!!!

High Desert Diva said...

Ooh! Excellent tips! I shall print this out and carry it around in my wallet for future reference when I'm hunching over my ballot with a dazed and confused look on my face ;D.

Leesa said...

katie: thanks!

jody: yeah, that's what people like.

d rex: stealing?

dr ~deb: thanks!

high desert diva: thanks, sweetie, just trying to do my part.