Monday, October 16, 2006


You know, we all make choices. And sometimes the choices we make, further limit other choices. Consider: you have $40 in your purse, and you are at a state fair. You have lots of choices you can make with the $40. You can spend $20 on rides, but after that, your choices are more limited. You can buy a lunch, another $10, and then your choices are further limited. Cotton candy, and then $3 more is gone, further limiting your options.

You know, more important choices – all of life is like this little story. When you start out your life, your options are already limited. We only have a certain IQ, certain physical attributes, a certain EQ (educational quotient). We have limits – sort of like the $40.

And throughout our lives, we make choices. Sometimes our choices enhance other choices, but the choices (that we tend to remember) further limit choices. Okay, a glass half empty kind-of-gal. I guess I could have said that at the fair, you could make money in a kissing booth, but I did not really want to go there.

I think the best reason not to ever start to cheat on a partner is that it limits your options – that is, if you want to stay with the individual. I mean, for most people, trust is an important aspect, perhaps one of the most important aspects, in determining whether a relationship will last. Think about it: you sleep right next to someone, you plan a future together, perhaps save a little money, dream about retirement, maybe even hope that they will take care of you if you get really sick. You need trust for this.

Rationally, how can you choose to limit your options for a little orgasm, perhaps some bad sex? Most sex is bad to begin with – with practice, the sex improves, but you choose to have sex from a less competent lover and betray the more competent lover. And the more competent lover, also is the one you sleep next to, save with, share lives with. I really don't know why people cheat – I did it, and it is not a rational choice.


Anonymous said...

There is no rational choice because when youve reached that point, your irrational. At least that was my case.

GW Mush said...

Yes, cheating is an irrational selfish act. Leesa, did you ever tell your husband or get caught?
Im not judging you, just stating the obvious about cheating in general.

GW Mush said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
GW Mush said...

I recall cheating on some school tests. I know exactly why I cheated too, it was because I didnt know the answers.
Yes, I was desperate and irrational..... should I guess? Should I cheat?
I was in a state of confusion, so I took a deep breathe.... scratched my nuts... and then said to myself, Im gonna cheat, and if I get caught, I will just say I was looking down the girl's cleavage, I wasnt looking at her test!

QUASAR9 said...

Well Leesa, I'll have to agree one hundred per cent with you.

Cheating is cheating in every field, but can be especially hurtful in relationships.
Open relationships don't work, sooner or later one or the other partner will feel betrayed.

However if I were allowed two wives - you too would have to be it. And the sex doesn't have to be bad. If you call sex sexual exploration. As for the other type I'm only interested if I'm fertilising eggs, else it defeats the object.

So I'm the kind of guy that can have great sex and still keep his pants on.
I save that stuff for procreation.

Hope I'm not being naff.
Just being semi-serious in response to a semi-serious post.

However relating to your spending at the fair. If life is a series of matches, I've lit my fair share. I am now much more selective when I light them up.

But I'm having trouble competing with you two for your interest, since you are both clearly more interested in each other. boo hoo

Have a great weekend! and remember
Love The One You Are With!

Dwardisimo Rex said...

Long time listener, first time caller.

I agree, trust is definitely an important aspect of life. In fact, it's one of the MOST important.

I'd like to weigh in as one who has been cheated on. Of course, everyone is different and everyone handles life's obstacles with varying degrees of grace. My particular experience was a life altering one. On the surface that sounds like something that should go without saying -- your partner cheats on you after ten years of loyalty, your relationship will be impacted one way or another. But that's not what I mean. I, as a person, was changed completely. Permanently.

For me, all it took was that one moment of revelation -- the moment she told me about the affair -- to transform me from a loyal, open, gentle, and (sometimes overly) trusting man into a grumpy, cynical, curmudgeon of a man. And since that day years ago, I trust no one. Not her, not my parents, not my friends, not my boss, not anyone. I know I'm sounding a bit melodramatic, but it's true.

Don't get me wrong, my trust isn't issued like a pass or fail grade. I trust that the mail man will come. I trust that my friends will show up at lunch when they said they will. But when it comes to matters of my inner self, that shit locked down.

Point? I don't know. Don't cheat, I guess. Or at the very least, if you do decide to cheat, do so understanding the potential gravity of the ramifications.

Sorry for the long and personal post. I realize that it was a bit presumptuous of me to think that anyone cares. If you delete it, I won't be offended.

Ian Lidster said...

Having been where you've been (re cheating), dear heart, I commend you for your words and wisdom, and a lot of other people should pay heed because it's all true.
You're a gem in the wise counsel you give, and you're also a lot of fun.


~Deb said...

Some people cheat due to their insecurities. They sometimes feel their partner doesn't find them attractive, therefore seeking it in other places. It's sad, and it mostly stems from a lack of communication. Not only do you hurt your partner/spouse emotionally, but you can bring something home...disease-wise. I cheated before- when I was in my early phase of the relationship- but I was stupid and felt very insecure. I think if you truly love your partner, you'll be content with the relationship.

Sex is just the bonus! The foundation should be friendship.

GW Mush said...

Ok, let me analyze this. Leesa was at the fair with $40, she had cotton candy for $3, she skipped the rides and instead cheated with someone that was a glass half empty kinda gal.
What I find interesting is that she went home with $37.

mal said...

never been there, only mildly tempted. You do make a great point about crossing a divide.

Trust is a very expensive commodity. Hard to find, easily lost.

Prata said...

Trust is difficult to invest in someone..until you actually let yourself do it. *shrugs*

As far as pessimism is concerned, the truth of the matter is that human beings are all of limitless potential. The choices you make everyday only open new avenues to suceed or fail. With no true way of telling your own future beyond the decision you are making at any given time, limited is not the word I would choose.

The problem with statements like, "being limited at birth" is that they are untrue. Will every person make it to the level of intellect as say..Einstein? Nah, probably not, but every person has the ability to be better than they were the day before. This doesn't cease when you hit puberty or 40 or menopause or 90. It stops when you die. Fail in one thing? Become successful in another. That's just me though.

Rationally speaking, anger, hate, sadness, and happiness are all emotions. They are all temporary, just like..all emotions are. So, being rational..we know that love is an emotion..and as such..has the ability to be temporary. Or would someone say that is different from every other emotion. ^_^

Grant said...

You spend $3 on a bunch of colored sugar on a stick? You could get a good bowl of soba noodles with that money.

Sorry, I just thought it was important to address the main issue here.

Dwardisimo Rex said...

Hold the phone. Rambo has a good point. If you go to the fair with only forty dollars, what are you doing buying cotton candy? Everyone knows that you can't have a day at the fair for only forty bones. I mean, after you pay to park in someone's front yard seven blocks away from the fair grounds, you only have thirty-five bones when you get to the gate.

Here's my advice: If that's all the money you have for fair-going, head straight for the beer tent. Don't stop for funnel cakes. Don't stop for turkey legs. And for the love of Pete, don't stop for Pink Floyd tapestries. Go straight for the beer tent and get your load on. Then when you're good and waxed, head on over to the livestock area where they keep the sheep. Mmm, good times.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Been tempted but never crossed that line.

I look at it as "I already know what I have at home (which, once you get to know one another and know what each other likes in the bedroom, can make sex pretty f*cking terrific). Why should I risk what I know I've got on something that could be just so-so?"

Prata said...

Where they keep the sheep....I have not the words....honestly.....


QUASAR9 said...

Well Leesa,
interesting post attracting interesting comments.

Debs surely not cheating because you are insecure of your own attractiveness. Gosh where would that leave me ... lol!
I agree one thousand percent the partnership is the foundation of the relationship - and sex a very nice bonus - of course sometimes just the touch from the right person is enough - whereas the same touch from another leaves us cold. And I'm as hot blooded as they come.
I don't let 'just anyone' touch me either mentally or physically.
But that's just the way I AM.

J R Estelle said...

I've never cheated, I thought about it and it made me feel so guilty and so selfish.

I have, however, been cheated on. Let me say this, it's a pain that has rooted deep in my sub-conscious and has made it very difficult for me to give 100% when trying to meet someone. Because in my mind, they'll betray me in one way or another, so I make them prove themselves to me first.

It sucks.

Bruce said...

I was once the "other man", but she ended up back with her husband; mostly out of guilt.
Most choices in life are not rational, if yuou think about it. They are, more often than not, based on compulsiveness or emotion. Sometimes they work out; sometimes they don't.

Anonymous said...

So...had you not had $40 in your purse a different choice would have been made?

Nice post btw Leesa....just ignore the way my mind works...or the lack of it.

Tony said...

It seems as though the majority of comments come from the assumption that everything is fine in the sexual/intimacy/relationship life of the cheater and that he/she is cheating just to cheat. I don’t see much cheating borne of such a circumstance. Why would an individual in such a good position choose to cheat?

I could understand how a person may not see that trust is the common denominator to all three of these styles interaction and therefore may delude themselves into thinking its “only physical” or “as long as I don’t get caught” or any other number of misconceptions. Not recognizing the value of trust, they decide to circumvent the resolution of their sexual/intimacy/relationship problems by cheating.

If it were up to me, I'd spend the $40 on funnel cakes, cause that's what she likes.

Video X said...

This was a very interesting take on the whole cheating issue. I've not been married of course, and I find more and more that I probably can relate less and less to what it takes to make a marriage work (or I do think about these things though. This seems to be a pretty important post to me...not sure why...but it just makes perfectly logical sense to me!

GW Mush said...

Im kinda concerned about Leesa, she usually blogs everyday.

Dwardisimo Rex said...

Maybe she ran away with the carnies.

Leesa said...

alma: I guess I thought of myself as rational. Ooopppps.

gw much: I got caught.

quasar9: Interesting thinking of matches. Were I a counselor, I might infer something from that!

d rex: wonderfully said. I have seen my hubbie stop trusting so much since then.

stacy: good logic. Some of us lack logic sometimes.

prata: I know, the sheep comment.

ian: yeah, but I wish I could gain experience without doing some of the things I have done.

~deb: for you insecurity, for me comfort.

jr: that is the point, that once you cheat, you affect so many others.

bruce: until starting to read these comments, I assumed I was always rational. Really.

mike: actually, yes.

tony: sometimes things look better than they really are.

VX: thanks, sweetie.

gw: thanks for your concern.

d rex: carnies scare me!

Georgiapeach said...

Great points. SOme things I could think about.