Monday, October 29, 2007

The "S" Curve

Chocolate Letter SEvery time I go to the bathroom, I think of Oprah. Let me explain.

About one year ago, I was sick. Staying home from work (I heard "school" in my head, not work), I watched, among other daytime shows, an episode of Oprah. There was a physician on the show, and apparently it was a recurrent role.

Anyway, they were talking about poop. The shape (it should be S-shaped, though Oprah's C-shaped poop was perfectly fine. It's color. Some people with diseases poop white. Anyway, it was completely gross, aired in the US, and I could not shield my eyes from the episode.

So after that airing, I started looking long and hard at my poop. I became an amateur scatologist. I did not keep a poop notebook, but I looked at my poop. Its color, its shape, and its consistency. I think the doctor would say that I had good poop. And I am completely grossed out and fascinated with my own poop since the show.

A couple of years ago, my husband brought me to a very fine restaurant in Savannah. The food was wonderful, the atmosphere was great, and I got a case of food poisoning. Okay, I could not prove it was that restaurant, but I had some weird, half-cooked food, and I felt really bad that night. I spent three days on the potty, basically excreting anything inside of my body. Lovely imagery, I know.

Now I would not encourage you to go out and get food poisoning, but afterwards - to be fair, ten days later - I felt really good. When John Wayne died, there were like 40 pounds of stuff in his intestines. Undigested meat, mostly. At that point in time, I had nothing in my colon, and I felt great.

I sort of think getting food poisoning every once in a while cleanses the body. Or kills you.

Me, I don't have 40 Billion Dollars like Oprah, but my poop is like hers. To Mastercard®, that would be priceless.

How the heck do I delete this blog entry. Is this button delete or submit?

12 comments:

Anonymous Boxer said...

What? No one wants to comment on the Poop Post? I will!

I watched that show, 'cuz I have a little crush on that Dr. Oz. And while I don't believe in those colon flushes they sell, there is something to be said about a "cleansing fast" every once in awhile... but I prefer not to pay for it.. as in, $$ restaurant.

LarryLilly said...

Leesa, when you have colon cancer history in your family, and you start getting colon cancer screening every 3 years, you clean your colon and all the rest of your human chittlins out prior to the test. So dont despair, when you hit 50's or so, you will think differently about colon blow.

LOL

mal said...

As part of our cholesterol management, the girls and I have been taking 1/4 cup of Psyllium husks per day for the last 10 years. No build up to worry about with us!!

Ian Lidster said...

I scarcely know what to say in response to this other than to note that colon cancer takes a nasty toll in lives, so what you do probably makes more sense than not doing so. See, I didn't say anything rude or scatological at all. I was tempted, mind you.

GW Mush said...

Leesa,

This post is so damn sick, hehe
You know, you dont have to get food poisoning to clean yourself out. There are colon cleansing methods you can use that isnt poisoning you, lol.
ohhhh, and looking at your poop is only part of it, analyzing the smell helps too, hehe
Happy pooping to you Leesa... butt-bye, lol

richmanwisco said...

Hey Leesa,
I had heard about the meat and intestines thing before, but mentioning the Duke got me running to Snopes, and it so happens to be false.

Two key points are mentioned: One, try to visualize how much shit would have to collect to weigh 40 pounds, when the average dump weighs several ounces. Second, and most important, no autopsy was ever performed on John Wayne. If JW was full of shit, it went in the hole with him.

Here's the link: http://www.snopes.com/horrors/gruesome/fecalcolon.asp

Savannah's a beautiful city...I even ate at Paula Deen's place. Great stuff.

GW Mush said...

Ok, I just thought of a question for the poop expert Leesa.

Why do most poops sink but some float? Just curious.

seattledrizzle said...

One of the most miserable days of my life was spent in a motel in California. I had stopped at a diner in Barstow. Their menu had every offering on it. I picked the burrito. Bad pick. I only ate half of it. Three hours later, waves of nausea were rolling over me. I rolled down the car window, felt better. I drove, felt worse. I stopped, felt better. I drove and looked for the nearest motel, any motel. It was the seediest place I ever stayed, with bars in front of the front desks window. But it had a bed and a toilet which was all that mattered for the next several hours. The next morning I felt weak, but as Leesa says, afterwards I felt "much better." In fact, better than before I was sick.

kathi said...

Lol, you never let me down.

Leesa said...

boxer: yeah, poop is an embarrasing topic.

larry: colon cancer is not funny. GI health is sort of embarrassing.

mal: never heard of those type of husks.

ian: yeah, not the nerve I wanted to hit.

gw: but the food poisoning was a nice GI cleaner.

rich: thanks for setting me straight.

gw: I once heard that floating poop is a bad sign. Not sure where I heard it, so it is probably not so.

seattle: sort of weird, huh?

kathi: oh, sweetie, thanks.

Edge said...

Everyone poops. It's the great equalizer.

~Jef

Acid42 said...

Brilliant post. Toilet humor rocks.

Acid42
http://acid42.bluechronicles.net/blog/