Tuesday, June 05, 2007

The Sex Enzyme

Men and women are different. Yeah, I know this. I get that. And here is another way that men and women are different.

I have been to counseling on more than one occasion. Shocker there, dear readers. When I went to counseling to fix our marriage the first time, it was mostly to fix what was wrong with me. I mean, yeah, I know marital problem are both people's faults, but most of it was my doing. I won't go into the counseling sessions, but there was lots of talking, lots of introspection, lots of working on me and us. In short, it was what I needed for this.

Fast forward to another series of counseling sessions. This was for our marriage again, and you know, it was for both of us but we spent more time on my hubbie this time. Seems fair, huh? Again, there was lots of talking, lots of introspection, lots of working on us. And you know, it was surprisingly slow.

Oh, and there is a twist. How can I put this? Er, I thought it was a good idea to stop sexual relations while we were "introspecting". Here is my rationale: when I was getting married, I remember Marriage Encounter, a Catholic thing where men and women look at their relationships and test them, ensuring that the marriage is something that will not be a mistake. And part of this was weekly meetings with the priest. We stopped having sex because the priest asked us to, and the reason was that emotions (sex) sometimes clouds our reasoning skills. And I can attest to that.

But you know, for the second series of counseling sessions, counseling with abstinence was not working at all. So I abandoned my self-prescribed abstinence. And well, it seemed that sex seemed to help with the counseling. Now I am not saying this is cause and effect, or that sex can solve problems on its own. That would be simplistic.

I remember high school chemistry though, and there were certain reactions that required some type of catalyst (inorganic chemicals) or enzyme (organic, I believe) in order to help a reaction along. It is like Chemical X and Chemical Y mixed together would never react without some type of catalyst.

And now that I have seen marriage therapy with and without sex, I am wondering if sex is some type of catalyst, some type of enzyme for me. Not that the sex fixes things, but that sex somehow allows men to connect, to communicate, to show love. Not to love, but to show love.

I think therapy helps oh so much. But for some, for men, it seems, sex can be a catalyst. Sex was healing for me, also, but it was not necessary for my introspection, for my healing, for my connecting.

I really don't know much when it comes to therapy. I thought I knew so much when I was younger. Turns out, the world is a lot more complicated than that. And perhaps sex does not make men connect more. But it does for my man.


~Deb said...
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~Deb said...

What a great post! I think many people have this old fashioned stigma that sex is bad- even when it's a marriage. “It can clouds ones’ judgment”, yada yada… I don’t believe that – to an extent. It depends. For me, I think that sexual intimacy with the person that you love the most is a wonderful thing. When there’s abstinence within the relationship or marriage, that’s when you become disconnected as “one”. But, that’s just my opinion. I’m not going to dabble into religious aspects of it, because, well, yanno. But, my point being is, sexual intimacy is the ultimate communication between two people who love one another.

RWA said...

I think the "effect" sex has varies depending on the people involved. I know that the communication and the effect on relationships has varied with women I've known.

Whether it was me, them or a combination, I couldn't say.

But, if it works for you, it works. That's all that really matters, I suppose.

Ian Lidster said...

Sex sometimes clouds our reasoning skills? Naaaah! In truth, of course, it does. The hormonal changes that come not just with orgasm, but also with arousal, are powerful and, I know in a few cases from my personal past, can utterly cloud judgment, leading to some grievous and hurtful errors.
On the other hand, I think your point about sexual'healing' and communication for men is true. I know that after a morning sexual encounter that I will feel quite blissed for the ensuing day even if other issues had been dragging me down prior to the encounter. I am also much more giving in the relationship as petty issues slip away at such times.
Good observations, Leesa.

LarryLilly said...

Men in general (not all men, but most men) are hunters, they seek visual, texture and smell sensory inputs. They prefer sex with lights on, and lots of hands rubbing "stuff" and well, the last speaks for itself. Women tend to be mental. Thats why they prefer sex in a dimly lit room, for it allows the mind to fill in the blanks, instead of having those blanks scream at them when sex is under krieg lights.

But things arent very easy to place in a box when relationships are concerned. As long as their is communication, then there is hope for resolution. Communication can be with words, but at times, grunts, aghs and moans are a very effective form of communication, especially if its two sided, with both sides getting the proper amount of aghhssss.

But without a basis of verbal communication, the sexual wont work, so forgetaboutit.

Leesa said...

~deb: sometimes just sitting with someone, staring in his eyes, smiling and knowing what he is thinking can be so intimate as well.

rwa: yeah, I agree with you.

ian: thanks. I think I am once more off my game, though.

larry: one fantasy I have heard from many is for a completely wordless encounter. That, to me, would be so "blah." I agree with you.

Warrior said...

"I am wondering if sex is some type of catalyst, some type of enzyme for me. Not that the sex fixes things, but that sex somehow allows men to connect, to communicate, to show love. Not to love, but to show love."

As a Man and apparently incredibly different to you, I disagree strongly. Apart from the physical ability and shape in what why do you see us so different. We both need to eat sleep drink move fuck love cry shout scream and all for the same reasons. It's tough not to cloud the issues by thinking oh typical man thought or typical woman thought. Honestly this is were the problems start. We are too introspective and think we are so different to the other. But thank you for you blog it's lovely. I don't know why I thought you were lesbian.....

ScarletB said...

I've just discovered your blog and I sat here reading and reading...you have a really great style of writing - open and completely natural..thanks for sharing this..