Thursday, June 07, 2007

Greetings from Kicesie (Kimberly)

One YouTuber who I recently found was kicesie. Okay, for the guys (and ~Deb), you will like her videos because (1) she is hot, and (2) she talks a lot about sex. But we are not talking about personal sex stuff. For personal sex stuff, you need to read my blog. But she loves giving sex advice. And we are not talking about "off the cuff" stuff, but real clinical sex stuff. She is a college student, and as I recall, her area of study is psychology.

Okay, for some of us, we will sort of hate her – a tiny bit. She is the girl in school that says, "Oh, I can't keep any weight on! I drink milkshakes and don't gain an ounce." I have had girlfriends who bemoan this. Not 30-something women ever, but when I was in college, some women did say this. And there friends, even good ones, were thinking, "bitch." Not personally, but because they themselves were dealing with the freshman five.

Kimberly is sweet, and I love listening to her voice. When I watch YouTube videos, I normally don't watch the video – I normally just listen. You can say I am an aural1 gal.

Anyway, from the video I have embedded, she was having a bad time a few days ago. That's sort of what I wanted to talk about today. Depression.

I am not sure people who have not been depressed (and I am talking about clinical depression) can really understand. I have heard others, even recently, say that all you have to do is look at the positives. Well, when someone is depressed, it seems like nothing matters. In Kimberly's video, she mentioned a feeling really down, and she does not really know why. To feel alone, like one does not matter. And you know, I have felt what she is feeling.

It is as if you have lost control of your emotions, of the situation, of life. We want to be in control of everything, and you know, sometimes we just are not in control. For some who lean towards the spiritual, one may want to put one's faith in God. But to tell someone that when they are hurting, well, it really does not help. Sometimes that is not the compassionate thing to do.

For those who have not been depressed, I don't think I can explain depression. I have thought about it, and the words escape me right now. It is worse than writing a poor blog entry (and trust me, I know about poor blogging). It is worse than buttering that last piece of bread in the house and have it fall, butter-side down on the linoleum floor. It is worse than having to choose between Bush and Kerry in a voting booth. And it is worse than watching Entertainment Tonight.

When I think of depression and who can explain it, my thoughts drift to Emily Dickenson. She wrote some very beautiful, very mournful poetry, and she had a lot going on between her ears. Some might say that whatever doesn't kill you, gives you more material as a depressive poet. I don't know if acute nephritis is caused by being so depressed. Probably not. Oh well, I will leave you with one of my favorite Dickinson poems.

HOPE is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I ’ve heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

1Not to get aural mixed up with oral. I like oral too, but I wanted to play on the phonic similarity between the two words.


Ian Lidster said...

The worst aspect of clinical depression (I went through a bout of it in my 20s, about a gazillion years ago) is the complete loss of energy, an overweening fatigue that doesn't even let you give a shit about anything around you. And yes, as you suggest, it's not a mere bout of the blues but a potentially very dangerous period in life. I cringe for the hell that must be the lives of genuine bipolars. I have a good friend who is, and I could weep for him. He has everything material and a wonderful loving wife, and he feels he has nothing when he is in a bad space.
Thought-provoking blog as usual, Leesa.

~Deb said...

What she’s doing, by posting numerous videos and talking about it is VERY therapeutic. I know “online help” isn’t much, but the positive feedback that she’s getting will reinforce her belief that she is needed, worthy and helpful to those who need her. I go through periodic phases of depression and I can’t really pinpoint why I get so upset- crying out of nowhere or just feeling blue in general. It’s very sad to see someone else go through this. I can relate all too well and I hope she gets the help that she needs. She seems like such a sweet girl. She’ll get through it.

Leesa said...

I know exactly what she feels, and you're right, you can't describe it to someone who doesn't understand.

Love the poem.

LarryLilly said...

Like the enormous weight we perceive when we are depressed, its made worse since when depressed, we do not see its end. We view happiness as fleeting, when depressed, we almost fear being happy, since we have seen that it can end quickly. We have seen happiness ended in an instant, and depression overtakes us so quickly. We incorrectly see happiness like feathers in the wind, blown away in an instant and absolutely nothing remains to comfort us in our anguish.

But deep down inside, we are beings that are happy. We were born happy, well after that slap part. We are very adaptable, we can at times control our environment, and when we cant, we change our perspective. Depression "steals" this self happiness from us. Some say happiness is a choice, or its corollary, depression is a choice. But in either, its an active mind that chooses one over the other. Its this same positive mind choice that helps us clear the weight from us.

But how we get there is what makes it such a large field of effort for all involved.

RWA said...

You are exactly right. It is very difficult to explain clinical depression. Unfortunately, I've experienced it - and my mother had it when I was growing up (although we didn't find out until I was much older).

Glad to hear that you like "oral" as well as "aural."

Dr. Deb said...

ED is with her words. Check out Sylvia Plath or Anne Sexton. Amazing writing.

Kimberly said...

Hey. I'm honored that a video of mine inspired some writing. *hugs* Thanks for watching and sending me a message so I could read this!! Great entry!

Reading the Signs said...

Hi Leesa, I think the poet Gerard Manley Hopking suffered from depression too (the poem that begins "No worst, there is none" really captures it) - and unfortunately it seemed to get the upper hand in the end, silenced him. People who have never had it sometimes think that "creative" people get it and that it can in some way feed creativity, not realising just how annihilating it can be. Good to read your blog again.

Reading the Signs said...

Gerard Manley Hopkins, I mean.

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