Thursday, December 07, 2006

Why Haven't You Called

I was talking to a girlfriend the other day. The relationship is weird, because she is in her mid-twenties and single; I am in my mid-thirties (funny thing is that I plan on calling characterizing myself as mid-thirties until I am 45) and married. We talk about all sorts of stuff, and sort of feel like an older sister; sort of like a mother (I guess) at times.

Anyway, as one might expect, we do talk about relationships. Men and women seem to have a hard time communicating, even when it is in their best interests. In a recent conversation over salads (okay, I ate a salad, she ate pizza, bitch that she is – she can eat anything and has a great body; darn 20-year-olds), she started talking about her latest relationship. Yeah, think about it; call, bastard.

She had been seeing someone for a while, and after about a month of courtship, she had sex with the man. Now, she is not sure if this is "the one." How the hell can we tell after a month? But she had sex with him. And she told me this, not because of the sex part, but because he did not call afterwards. It has been three days (five now, three at the time of the conversation) since the date, and the bastard has not called.

They had gone on several dates – this was not a one-night-stand. And the guy has not called. This man and this woman like one another, have feelings for one another, and the young man does not call after their first intimate encounter. Dr. John Gray's "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" is at work. Men and women really don't understand one another. I mean, this guy is young, but what I don't understand is that he is interested in her, he has a good job, he has taken her to nice places. Okay, my Mom voice describing "a nice young man."

To put so much effort into wooing her, and to not call on Monday, Tuesday. It makes no sense to me. I know that some men just pursue to pursue or pursue for sex, but with the dinners, the conversations. It appears to my friend that this person is definitely interested in her.

I don't understand why men don't call. I mean, I know that men don't think it is any big deal. But it is a big freekin' deal.


~Deb said...

In my little world here... some women don't call either. It depends. Maybe something turned him off? It goes with both genders. And, if you give it away too soon, sometimes that's a huge test for people to see what kind of person they are. But one month is not bad! Hmm. Maybe it's something else that she's not realizing?

She can find someone who appreciates her 100%.

LarryLilly said...

Men love the chase. The chase is what motivates some men. Especially young men. They will go to any length, within short of jewlery and "I do's" to win the conquest.

What women want is the "chase plus". And often, they dont get the plus, OK, almost none ever get the plus. But as men get wiser, not neccessarily older, but age does often go along with wiser, they reduce their efforts on chasing, and more on keeping. then women get what they want, chase PLUS.

This guy is typical of his age. She, like most women, have the same primal lusts that men have, and at times, they give in to those feelings as well.

She will get over it, hopefully, and in the mean time, he will continue to get older, but not wiser.

LarryLilly said...

First hand experience has shown me why women like older men. When you get passed kissing and friction; tab A into slot B, repeat as many times to get er done sex, well, its really magical. And for middle aged men, nothing helps them more than younger men.

Enuf said!

J R Estelle said...

Maybe she should call him and find out why she's not heard from him.

Edge said...

Its textbook simple to me why he hasn't called and I'm not sure why women don't get this. Men are goal oriented. He obtained his goal: sexual gratification. It's not her "fault" because he is just being impolite by not calling. He's planning his next conquest. Second, one month is WAY not enough time for your friend to have sex with a guy. She needed to hold out until she understood how consistent he was after dates and calling and what he really wanted. In the world of dating, I think the phrase "less is more" should aptly apply to sex at least for women trying to encourage a man's favor. But, and most importantly, no guy is mature enough for any relationship if he's under 28.


Tony said...

Yeah, what j r said. Don't sit there and speculate, pick up the phone. In the "old days" it was expected that a man should call afterward (I'm not sure where that rule came from. Maybe if the woman called first it would look like she was chasing him and trying to nab a husband, I don't know).

Nowdays it seems ok if the lady calls afterward, not so much to "nab her man" but to just say hey. I mean, if she was able to call him before and suggest a movie or dinner then why can't she call him after just to say "hey friend, how ya doin?".

I think that the longer she waits the more she'll speculate and dwell on the worst case scenario. I've seen it happen to often.

Sorry for the long post.

Tony said...

Leesa, in response to your photo, I haven't called because I don't have you're number.

(yeah I know, it's a dream, but I can dream can't I)

Leesa said...

~deb: but you would call my friend, now wouldn't you?

larry: sure, she will get over it. But it still hurts her right now. I remember guys not calling. It totally sucked.

larry: what I want now is the brain of a middle-aged man in an 18-year-old bod.

jr: gasp. Her call him? Yeah, right.

edge (~jef): you know, if sexual gratification is the goal, a phone call can lead to more (and perhaps better) sexual gratification.

tony: I wrote my number on your hand. Did you sweat it off? (Another one of your dreams.)

LarryLilly said...


I want my brain in a man 40. I dont even need to be 18 again LOL.

But then, I learned the lesson Bill Clinton did years before he learned it. Dont F with women under 30. They are just way to insecure, women hit prime between 35 and 42, dead serious. they are comfortable with their bodies, in whatever shape that is, they know what they want, they will GO after it with aggression, and they wont make scenes when or if it ends, or call the National Enquirer. They may not have the bod of a 20 something, but they know how to use every part, and the biggest part is their brain. What they lack in physical nature they make up in wickedness.

So dont fret sweet lady, your time is here right now, you just dont know it yet.


Video X said...

I once dated a guy who actually explained to me that hookers were cheaper than dating. I asked how that could be since the hookers (I later found out) that he had screwed cost $120. He simply pointed out to me that taking me out on a date had also cost him $120 and then on top of the cost he also had to call me and talk to me and stuff. He was a very successful individual concerning business and government (haha), we went on some decent dates (for 7 monts), but still...that does not disqualify anyone from the asshole category. He was an ass.

I know nothing about men...won't even pretend to, but I hope that most men are NOT like that guy...and especially in this case, I hope that the guy your friend is dating is not like that guy.

Tony said...

Leesa, I lost the number when I went back for seconds. Must have rubbed it off on something (still dreaming).

I have to agree with Larry. I prefer(red) older women. 1. They didn't play head games. 2. They knew what they wanted and how to get it. 3. They were experienced in how to please and were willing to let you know what it took to please them. There wasn't any trial an error or "hunt and peck". 4. They understood when it was over and with them it was ok. They were glad for the time together and wanted to remain on good terms.

A lot of the fear of calling back is that somehow men correlate calling back with commitment. "If I call her back she's gonna think I want to get hitched, if I don't call her back she's gonna think I'm an asshole". I know, it sounds juvenile.

Prata said...

At the risk of sounding like a dick to a few people. There's nothing preventing you from calling the guy. Grow the fuck up.

Secondly, it's not true that men under 28 are incapable of having a true to life relationship. I am perfectly capable of having a normal healthy relationship, it's not my fault the person on the other end of the thing has issues of their own. So blech.

Just because a guy doesn't call you the next day or even the day after that doesn't mean he's off planning another conquest you cynical bastards *cracks up*

Some guys don't call because they are not interested, the chick did somethin' that really turned him off. That's the way it works out learn2deal. Sometimes the guy feels like wow this chick is way out of my league I better quit while I'm ahead, again it happens sometimes...learn2deal. And sometimes..just sometimes we have shit to do that sets you on back burner for a while. Such as in my case when I did not call the object of my affection back the first time we had sex, I was 24 or so at the time, I was on a project that required all of my concentration (bed tower switch died and I had to re-route 200 rooms with LAN access and 500 PC's to a completely different segment of the network by hand) the only reason I spoke to her two days later was because I saw her in the hall while I was buying a soda. I had never even made it home for 2 days. So ffs take a deep breath....not all guys are flippin' pricks.

Disclaimer: I'm not really upset..this is in a joking manner. I promise. ^_^

Anonymous said...


I remember my haydays during my 20's (/sigh)The hunt for me was always the most exciting part. This would include nice outings, nice dinners, theatre, etc... Then you'd finally get the kill (Sex). Did I not call them afterwards? Often I would not, either because the thrill was gone, or by the third date you realized that this person was not for you, but you have already invested the time, so might as well go for the kill anyhow. Is it uncommon for men in their 20's to do this? I don't think so as most of my friends, colleagues back then were pretty much all the same. And I am quite certain that some of the women were probably happy that we DID NOT call back sometimes.

I find that women take time invested into a relationship more heavily then men do (Heck my wife still remembers the date of our first date... I mean...). Short term dating was normal to us back then, it was fun, it allowed us to experience a lot more and as sick as it might sound, have us well tuned for the final woman if that happened to be the case. I know for a fact if I had not had these experiences back then, I would be most likely be regretting or missing something in my life today. (Which often leads to adultery, divorce, etc...) You always hear people complaining that they WISHED they had done more sexually in their 20's/30's. My question has always been, why didn't you?

Now some of you will be disgusted by my comment, but the fact of it is, this happens all the time. Short term dating allows you to meet (What I construde as) quality women. Any guy can go out and have a one night stand, it ain't hard. But the quality of the woman you meet in these cases is usually below a certain par and can usually be following by prescription medicine 2X a day for 10 days.

Of course this is just a theory about this young man I have never met. He might have been busy with work that week (Does he travel a lot?)? His wife might not of liked the idea of him dating on the side lol? He might feel insecure about himself, maybe he finds he did not perform adequately in bed (Or the kitchen table, or the old rocking chair, or the ultimate BowFlex) and thinks that she doesn't like him? There's a million reasons as to why he might not have called her. Some men would actually be turned on by women calling THEM back. After a week, has she not called him?

Anyhow, this was my 2 cents worth. Don't ever ask me for the dollar :)



Lightning Bug's Butt said...

I don't understand it either. Back when I was single, I was much MORE willing to call the girl who put out. Let the prudes wait around for a phone call that will never come!

Unfortunately, not many girls put out for me, being a douche bag and all.

LarryLilly said...

In my past, the women I remember most were those that said no.

Edge said...

Ya but he's under 28 so he won't get that like you and I will.


Nancy said...

Ah, memories of college and apres college sex & dating. I have a few good memories, but a lot of it is pretty painful, looking back on it from where I stand now. Back then, I was so numb I didn't care about being played! I still can't figure out how the heck I got here with the man I'm with, but I suppose luck has a lot to do with it. Or...maybe it's because I dated everybody else and he was the only one left...? Okay, time to think about something else now. Shudder.

Leesa said...

larry: funny.

VX: I also had a conversation that said that hookers cost less. I held my breath when I thought he would say, "except for you." But he didn't.

tony: you know, I have heard that young men should have older women and older women should have younger men, biologically speaking. Still don't understand it, though.

prata: women calling men. Unnatural.

pyth0s: yeah, I liked being pursued as well.

lightning: glad that you called!

edge: true.

nancy: Reminds me of a story. Perhaps I will save it for a blog.

Prata said...

Well women being treated equally to men is also unnatural. So nyah! ;)

Dwardisimo Rex said...

I would bet dollars to doughnuts this guy has a track record of doing that. He's a conquerer.

Advizor said...

This is why people (men and women) shouldn't have sex for a long time when dating. Both sides freak out and start acting stupid.

Women don't want to feel like whores so they have to invest sex with "meaning" when there is none.
Men don't want to feel trapped, so they bail out, even when the sex and the relationship is good.
Women deny that they want sex, so they talk about being seduced, or blame it on being drunk/stoned/tired/lonely etc.
Men know that women are going to want to "talk about what happened" so they don't call back just to avoid that conversation.

Sex should be treated like going to the movies.
(1) Going to the movies is optional, there are a lot of other things to do.
(2) There is a lot of variation, people like different things, and sometimes you really hate the movies that other people pick.
(3) Sometimes you sit through another person's movie, just to make them happy.
(4) No one breaks-up over their taste in movies unless it involves animals.
(5) You should see movies with different people to see if you like the same movies.
(6) You should be able to discuss movies after the show without arguing about the plot, the length, or if the ending made any sense.
(7) You should never listen to the critics before seeing a movie.
(8) "Top 10" lists are interesting, but we rarely get to see all 10.
(9) Some movies are worth seeing in the theatre, others are just rentals, some you by on DVD and keep forever.
(10) When you are home alone, it's perfectly fine to watch a movie by yourself.