Friday, December 08, 2006

Christmas Newsletters

Every year, we get seven or eight newsletters, mostly from family and one from a close friend. Generally, I love these newsletters. All are printed on the computer, and they are all written for a general audience. "General" being, whoever is on their Christmas list.

Well, I love these newsletters. Cousins or aunts or other relatives who I really don't get much information on, I can at least know what they have been doing the whole year. It distills it down to one page of fairly good grammar. Efficient.

But here is what the letters don't do:
  • They don't tell me the disappointments, generally.

  • They don't tailor their information for what I care about.

  • They sometimes don't capture how these people really are.

  • They highlight and inflate some accomplishments.

Okay, small rant. I actually have one relative that uses their newsletter to tell me about their recent purchases (we have been having a great year, so we bought each other his and hers Lexuses), their children (one will cure cancer, another will free third world countries, I suppose), their jobs (they are lucky enough to be the only brilliant people at their work) and their pets (nearly as smart as their kids). I read their newsletter, and actually keep them. They outdo themselves each year. It gives me some pleasure, mostly me laughing at them. Yeah, that is bitch Leesa, for you.

Here is what I would rather read (a more honest letter):

2006 Jones Christmas Letter

Well, it is that time of year. Time for the Jones' Annual Christmas Letter.

The year started out really good. Mike has been doing well at work, but unfortunately his boss caught him with several office items in his car. He could explain away the binders and staplers, but the network printer was much harder to explain. In February, he was let go because of "slow work," and Mike responded quickly by filing for unemployment. His boss was a bit unfair, as he was unwilling to give Mike a reference of any kind. Bastard.

Since Mike has been home a lot, he has been watching a little too much porn. He has been more willing to experiment in bed, but I am getting a little worried. I sometimes cannot find my special panties, and when I call home I sometimes catch him out of breath. I am worried that his health is suffering, because he says he is winded from climbing the stairs. Strange.

The good news is that Mike has been helping out around the neighborhood. He has started a job for one of the neighbors, Jennifer. Although I have not seen any money from the odd jobs he has done for Jennifer, he spends several afternoons per week helping her out. Some of my other neighbors are jealous of the attention he has spent on her, lying to me about some hanky-panky. Luckily, I know Mike. He rarely is interested in sex, but when he is interested, we do more freaky stuff. I blame it on the porn. The good thing is that the porn has given him some new moves. But I know you don't want to hear more about that. LOL.

Jeff is in High School now, and we are so proud of him. He has not missed a meeting with his parole officer, and he has only set his bed on fire twice. Both times, we extinguished the flames before any real damage occurred. The school counselor has been really interested in Jeff, and we are encouraged by this. His grades have not been good, but you know, we blame his teachers. He did make a B in shop, and he seems to have taken an interest in gardening. He has lots of interesting plants in the backyard, and he shares them with his friends. Jeff is a blessing. Mike is just glad that his girlfriend Pam is not pregnant. I keep telling Mike that Jeff is a good boy, but I think Pam is a bit of a whore. Crap, should I use "whore" in the Christmas Letter? Mary Magdellon was a whore, so I will keep this in.

Christa has been doing well in school. She says she is bored, but we have told her that it should be up to her to find out new things to learn in sixth grade the second time around. We have met with her homeroom teacher twice, and her attendance has improved. She keeps missing the bus, and we suspect the bus driver doesn't like Christa. On a sad note, we have forbade Christa to keep seeing Rob after we caught them engaged in an "act of passion." Again I blame it on Mike's porn. He keeps trying to hide it, but these darned smart kids keep finding his stash.

As you know from the last newsletter, we put Mike's dad in the nursing home last year. He was being a pain in the ass, and we thought this would help. Well, we still visit him twice a year, but the visits are much more enjoyable now that he is medicated. He just sort of stares into space now. Unfortunately, the bills from the nursing home are sort of going through his money (and our inheritance). Not that we want to kill him, but we just want him to be at peace with the Lord. Last time we visited, Mike sabotaged the Automated External Defibrillator (AEDs) nearest to his father's room. He joked that the old coot would never die with this so near. Of course, Mike was only kidding. That's why I (and many of the ladies in our neighborhood) love him so much.

Here is wishing you the very best this Christmas Season.

Hugs and Kisses,
Leesa and Mike Jones


LarryLilly said...

Nenner neeener neeener, I am first

LarryLilly said...

Yeah, my past wife had staunch republican cousins, all lived in DC, all worked at either the navy, the pentagon, the white house, NSA, CIA, blah blah blah. They would have a yearly Christmas rant that was so f'ng boring, ..."Jim completed his assignment to the Congo, and well, he was so glad that he got the prime minsiter to wax W's shoes, and of course, now he has a corner office at NSA, and well, he cant even tell me what his new job is blah blah blah."

Tell me that young prissy Cathy did the entire State deptarment under the table as her and another girl had a BJ race down the christmas dinner table LOL

But, to each their own. There was a notable exception many years ago, something about the Watergate years, well, one was reprimanded for doing things that cost his his career, and most likely head spot at the yearly christmas rant-a-gram. Tsk tsk

Prata said...

My family doesn't do newsletters...thank buddha. However, they still have that flippin' christmas get together thing.

I truly couldn't care less what is going on with people that talk to me less than once a year...I mean really.

And damnit I didn't get first! =-(

Tony said...

Man, you guys, I was here so early it was yesterday. haha.

My family does the Christmas get together (at Moms)but no one shows up. It's usually me, the wife and kids and grandma (only cause her and mom share the place). I have three sisters I haven't talked to in more years than I can remember and two of them live in-state (within a 20 mile radius, actually).

Now, on my wifes side, they all get together, and lately it's been at MY house. Granted, there's only a lot of them and they ALL live in-town, it's still a good time.

~gkw said...

LOL, so you got a copy of our newsletter from last year?? Just changed the names?? LOL

My wife does these every year... I'm sure this is ours from last year!

GW Mush said...


~ Xmas news letter~

My christmas tree burned down and I want you but you are married. This hurts and now I shall eat until the pain subsides.

KYCM said...

I hear ya Leesa. With that in mind....

Money's Low,
Time's are hard,
Here's your fucking
Christmas Card!

Bah humbug and shit....


LarryLilly said...

I had to donate plasma to get the money to get this f'ng card, so read it knowing that I am slowly passing away for you.

PS, your kid keeps saying that he is dying to get that new PS3. Let him, its cheaper than buying one. Plus you will save money on future food bills.


Anonymous said...

Each year I get ZERO christmas newsletters...

It's the perfect number. ;)


Anonymous said...

This was very, very funny, Leesa. Thank you for brightening my day, but maybe I won't send along our 'true' newsletter to you this year.
Thanks, Ian

Bruce said...

My uncle Jack used to do that; real snooty-like. My cousin John scored four goals in his last hockey game, my cousins Kathy and Janet were soooo happily married, yada, yada, yada. Crap like that. After my dad died, though, we rarely ever heard from him. No big loss, to be honest with you.

Cinderella said...

I used to get a news letter from my friends mother. It had everything in it, including personal health issues! It was like "Merry Christmas, I had to go to the doctor for my irrital bowel syndrome"..Ughhh! =/

kathi said...

OMG, that was hysterical. Seriously funny. I kept laughing out loud and had to read (what I could) to the kids cause they wanted to know what was so funny. Good stuff. I adore you.

Leesa said...

larry: thanks for the compliments. Young prissy Cathy. Funny!

prata: being first is not all its cracked up to be.

tony: Christmas at your house? Nice.

~gkw: how did you know I stole your newsletter! Just joking.

Steven Novak: zero is a nice number.

ian: thanks, sweetie.

bruce: your Uncle Jack; hope you find humor in his missives.

kathi: thanks, sweetie. I adore you, too.

Advizor said...

Cinderella hits it on the head. I had to edit my mother-in-law's christmas letter over the years to remove references to, among other things, my vascectomy, mole removals, cyst removals, unexplained weight loss (not mine, but my bulimic sister in law), the number of times my sister-in-law threw up during her pregnancy, and "mom's" inability to get her bowels moving in the morning. The first draft is incredibly funny and if I had any guts, and hated my M-I-L, I'd let it go out without the edits, but i love her and I'm just saving her from herself.

Some years is a total brag fest on brother-in-law's family, he builds "the most beautiful houses", she is the "Best Doctor" in her group, the kids are about to get contracts with the Bolshoi ballet and if they were an more beautiful it would be illegal. Nothing about the other families. I would like a comment about how so-and-so has gained weight and has should really start wearing panties when she wears horribly short skirts.

Luckily my side of the familiy refuses to do Christmas letters, but I can think of some great stuff to write if we ever decide to ruin Christmas....