Tuesday, November 14, 2006

"Why do you wake up each day?"

"Why do you wake up each day?"

That was a question that someone asked on YouTube yesterday. I did not see the original video, but I did see Hill88's response.

Okay, she gets silly at the end, but I really think this is something I am going through. I have been thinking about how I spend my time and I wonder to myself, "Am I contributing to my community in any meaningful way?"

When I was first married, I knew exactly what I wanted. I wanted a family (read: I wanted children); I wanted to be called doctor, not medical doctor, but some PhD doctor; I wanted to live in an old house in downtown Savannah; I wanted to be part of a larger family, with lots of nieces/nephews, my kids, my parents and aunts and uncles all living nearby.

Well, looks like I will not have that large family, not even a child. This is something that saddens me greatly. And because of the current state of my marriage, I am not sure adoption is possible at this time (we are working stuff out, so introducing a child into our marriage would be a bad IDEA). I love kids so much and would not want a child to be part of a family in trouble.

Well, it looks like I will never be called doctor. Okay, hubbie calls me doctor when I explore his bod, but that's not really what I was talking about. I wanted to have respect, and I thought having some piece of paper would help towards that end. Now I know this is a false assumption, but I love learning, I love research, and I love smart people.

Well, it looks like my address will not change to a street name in old Savannah. Those houses look small from the outside, but they are spacious on the inside. I have been in a couple of the houses, and they are definitely beautiful. The cost of said houses? I am not sure, but they are out of my price range, I know that much. To be so close to all of the action of downtown and to be able to walk to places. I think that would be lovely.

Well, to be part of a family where we all live in the same area. Looks like that will not happen as well. My brother and sister are not in Savannah, and they will probably not move here in the future. Funny thing is that it seems to be driven with economics. They followed their jobs to other cities, and not the same city. And I know there are better economic opportunities in say, Atlanta, but I really don't want to live there. The traffic is horrible, and the parts of Atlanta I have seen are not so nice. Plus, it is so big that the commute to and from work would be undesirable.

I do have blessings in my life, but today, I guess I am seeing what I don't have that I wanted. Not in a very spiritual place, but you know, we can't all be chipper all of the time. Thanks, YouTube for the buzz-kill.

The original video can be found below (I found it after I wrote this):

There have been over 200 video responses to the video. Wow. Looks like I will waste some time this morning. And I don't even know what "Peace Out" or whatever people say comes from.


LarryLilly said...

Ah, sweet Leesa, the markings of tires stuck in mud. How did I get into this, and how can i get out, and still have wheels under me when i am out.

I always wanted to sail around the world. When i was a teen, I read in a National Geographic about a teenage, Robin Lee Graham that did just that. I remember the rag doing snippets of him as for some time. Thats what I wanted to do, but life got in the way, Vietnam, marriage, college, kids, and now..... Losing parts of life also makes inroads, but still, as long as I am alive, I will keep it out there. Maybe in my next life, I will be a tree, happy in my height, only to be cut down, but then made into the keel of a sailboat. There is always hope.


better than being made into a pallet LOL

Tony said...

When does a groove turn into a rut? You've been searching for something within yourself for sometime. I noticed it when I first started reading your blog. You had stopped posting the erotica and were making changes in your life to turn from that and focus on something else. But you haven't found anything to fill the void that the erotica/sex has left. Sex is fun, yeah, we all agree with that but often times it's used to fill a void and when you stop pursuing the sex you're left wondering, what's next? What's left in life. Then, as you've stopped, it gives you more time to reflect on where you are, where you've been and where you wanted to be when you first started out. You're still searching for that something. I can see it in your posts. I feel for you. I know that feeling of being lost, uncertain and exasperated. My heart goes with you this day.


(disclaimer: Tony is not a licensed psychotherapist, emotional analyst or any other of those in the profession of helping people. His arguments are based on speculation and often carry no weight what so ever. Just ask the late Grant.)

kathi said...

I've never seen him before, and it was so touching to see how he felt about is son. The girl, dang...burning that smurf doll and that little pony toy would be worth getting up for me.

I can't pretend to know what you're going through, but going through something is just that, going 'through' it and that means there is something on the other side for you to get through. I'm believing it's going to be something so wonderful that whatever you've gone through will be worth it. Not meaning to sound flipant...but I've had to go through a lot of crap to get to the joy. Big hug darlin, love you muchly. I think you're amazing!

Prata said...

Reality is like a face reflected in the blade of a knife; its properties depend on the angle from which we view it. --Master Hsing Yun

Leesa said...

larry: guess I need to get my ass out of the mud! Really.

tony: I think the search is new; a few months old. And I am searching.

kathi: I think you have gone through a lot more crap than I have gone through, but you have experienced more joy as well.

prata: I like that quote.

Anonymous said...

I'm probably too simplistic but oddly enough I'm content with life as it is. Could it be better? Sure. But I also know it could be far worse.

LarryLilly said...

The ability to enjoy life in its fullest is only evident when you have seen both sides. If your life is all roses and cake, then your understanding of it is one dimensional. Its like passion, the only way to really see the good side is to also witness the bad. To really enjoy love, you have to have seen hatred, to really enjoy life, one must see death; acceptance is strengthened when you face rejection. So your in a rut, the course you set previously some time ago, on auto-pilot, has run out. Like the Mars rover, you need new direction, a new target, a way to see for new something different, yet still within your world. Volunteer for some cause, get a makeover, and change your routine. Just do it! Your life isn’t powered by solar energy, by self absorbing energy; it’s traveled with two feet, under your own power. Set course, and start looking.

~Deb said...

I'm on a computer right now that does not have sound... But to answer that profound question of why do we wake up each day? I have to say it's out of hope that something better in my life will come along--something meaningful. I love my family, my partner and my friends, but I need something else that's missing. Seems like there's a void that's been there for quite some time.

LarryLilly said...

Waking each day and facing the world is not like a thermometer, where you only RECORD the temperature, waking up and facing the world is like the thermostat, where you SET the temperature.

Being passive is not how life is best lived, but for most, its how its lived.

Leesa said...

mike: I figure you would wake up for a good Subway sandwich.

larry: interesting. It gives me an idea.

~deb: I did not realize that you have felt a void.