Monday, November 03, 2008

The Ten Commandments

Grant, an occasional reader and wonderful writer, wrote something on Halloween that was not satanic, overtly mocking, or had any pictures of hot Asian women in miniskirts. He wrote about religion. But not in a "why doesn't your Savior get a haircut" sort of way. More like in a way where several freshmen political science majors could plagiarize his blog, quoting him as "a senior white house official".

Grant's thesis, as follows: "Here in the Southeastern portion of the United States a lot of the Christian propaganda slingers make claims that our laws are based on the ten commandments." I have taken all of the wit out of the thesis, basically so I look clever and sexy, and Grant looks like an accountant with morals. Yeah, some accountants have morals. I have read about them. Okay, I haven't. But based on the number of accountants in the United States, there have to be some with morals.

Okay, I had to go back to Grant's site to cut and paste the Ten Commandments – and there was mention of a miniskirt in his blog. Well, at least I know it is him. [edited in: The bolded parts are from Grant's blog, and the rest is crap I made up and pawned off as fact. I added this after knot made a comment that made me think I was cutting and pasting all of Grant's blog from this point forward.]

The reason I took his 10 Commandments is because I don't know all ten of them. You see, I am Catholic. All I remember is not to have sex before married, or until the guy is really, really frustrated. Anyway, Grant gave very good reasons why most or all of these commandments have no relevance to our current government, and I thought it would be interesting if I tried the exact opposite approach, that the commandments are entrenched in our government.

#1: Do not have any other gods before me. The US Government can be thought of as a god. Our money has the words "In God We Trust" emblazoned on its money, but we are really talking about the US Government. If you have a peek at the government, it grows. When President Carter decided to make two new cabinet posts (the Department of Energy and Department of Education). These two departments have grown a lot over the years, and I don't know too many people who think we have a better energy plan or our education is any better since establishing these two departments. Clearly, the US Government thinks they are god, and the government knows best. So this commandment is clearly entrenched in the US Government.

#2: You shall not make or worship a false idol. You see, the government, according to the above, is the true idol. The government gets more power when you rely on it, when you take their handouts. And I am not faulting anyone from taking handouts. I mean, when I turn 65 or 72 or whenever I am eligible for Social Security, I will be filing my paperwork. But the Government doesn't want us to build our own businesses (why else would they tax them the way they do?), to form communities where we don't depend on Social Security (the Amish, for instance). No, our Government does not want us to worship other things.

#3: You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain. Again, if the US Government is a god, then why do you think we enacted the Patriot Act? To catch bad guys? Right. How about having something where we can spy on our own? Oh, and as a bonus, we can imprison those who are against us. Bonus.

#4: Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy. The Sabbath is not necessarily Sunday. For our government, there are several of these days. We call them Federal holidays. Try mailing a letter or depositing money in a bank on those days. Even some public transportation is extremely scaled back.

#5: Honor your father and your mother. Okay, again, "father" and "mother" are actually the President and Vice President. Mom and Pops. Seems you can't burn these people in effigy. I remember in school that the founding fathers burned King George III in effigy. Hell, if W. had a son named George, think of the parallels. Oh, I am off on a tangent again. Anyway, the Government doesn't like free speech if it involves fire. Think flag burning, yelling fire in a building. I could go on and on. Hey, now that is a great title for a blog. Again, a tangent.

#6: You shall not kill. This rule is for individuals, not municipalities. I mean, who hasn't read an article about some rookie cop shooting a ten-year-old with a lime green squirt gun. Oh, and this is the law of the land, as long as you don't count Texas. In Texas, you can kill someone if they are on your property holding your television set. Apparently, a TV set is considered a deadly weapon. I gave an argument for this one, but admittedly, this is my weakest argument thus far.

Mini Skirt the Size of a Headband#7: You shall not commit adultery. I think this means you can't say, "Government, fuck yourself." Say government, bomb, George Bush, and anthrax on the phone to someone. See how long until some ATF guy with a 'tude knocks down your door. It may not be illegal, but if they can put you in jail without you seeing a judge, er, I think that is a bit worse than something that is illegal. I mean, you still screwed.

#8: You shall not steal. You can't cheat on taxes. That is like stealing from god. Not cool, illegal, and how they nailed Capone.

#9: You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor. Don't lie in court. Sort of like the above, except they nailed Martha Stewart (she really needed nailing, in more ways than one). They couldn't get her for those stupid doilies she makes on camera or the bitch she is, so they got her on lying.

#10: You shall not covet your neighbor's swag. I actually had to look this one up. I did not know what a swag was, but I am guessing it is a female stag. Bestiality is illegal, immoral and messy.

Okay, so I just argued the opposite of Grant. And I filled in all the blanks. Oh, and you know what is sort of funny, other than my one stalker (yeah, Grant, I have a stalker and you don't) and a few other people, the only people who will be reading this are freshmen political science majors and people surfing for Asian girls in miniskirts. And that's called limited freedom of speech, baby!


Anonymous said...

I like Grant more now. I just don't share his affinity for Asian women.


Anonymous said...

And on being Catholic, they don't tell you half the stuff you should know. Why should they? It would open your eyes to what the Bible really says.


Leesa said...

knot: I like Grant, too. I am wondering if you thought these were his thoughts. He wrote a well-reasoned piece on his site, and I just made up a bunch of crap here. Oh, and I love being Catholic. Some Catholic churches - priests, etc. - are very philosophically astute. "what the Bible really says" Well, that's why there are so many flavors of Christianity - because people will read the same sentences and have different conclusions.

Grant said...

How come you get a stalker and I don't? Actually, I have had a stalker and it wasn't as much fun as it sounds.

You've convinced me. I'm going to start praying to Jebus W. Bush for an Asian woman. I wonder what kind of sacrifice would be appropriate? Probably virgin democrats.

Ian Lidster said...

Asian girls in miniskirts, eh. Must do more cruising. Kidding.
For Commandment #7, or #6, depending on persuasion, I wrote some thoughts about this a few years ago as a chapter in an (as yet) unpublished book. You might want to take a look:

~Deb said...

I bet your stalker doesn't write HALF as well as you do my dear! ;) Jealousy will get her nowhere.

Anyway, I chuckled at a few of these. I was highly disappointed that I didn't see any miniskirts, which means I need to head over to Grant's blog in a few, but like Knot, I don't have thing for Asian girls. I love Latinas and Italians mostly. :)

Joe said...

Excellent arguments. I think the next step is forming a militia out in Iowa. ;)

I read Grant's post immediately before coming here and I've decided that you two should debate the issue. In order to entice Grant, there will be a bunny moderating the event.

Good luck.

Oh, and I have a stalker of my own so I completely understand your point on the previous post. If people have something to say, they should be bold enough to identify themselves.

Leesa said...

grant: no such thing as virgin democrats.

ian: but you know, your entry was serious. And very good.

~deb: miniskirts. Pictures of miniskirts. That's what this entry is missing.

joe: I like my militia to be out of North Dakota, actually. And a bunny can't officiate the event - I can't pay the marketing fee for those Atomic Mutant Bunnies (c) that Grant has on his payroll.

~Deb said...

Miniskirts the size of headbands. :D

Leesa said...

~deb: I added the miniskirt for you!

QUASAR9 said...

Holly Molly

QUASAR9 said...

I guess we are all heading for hell
Is there anyone left alive that has only had a relationship and sex with only one person

other than those who have only just lost their virginity.

QUASAR9 said...

PS - Roughly 4 million americans die each & every year
and equally 4 million americans lose their virginity every year
now that's ten thousand virgins lose their virginity every night or day and roughly 10,000 americans go to hell

Gosh, I guess it is only natural that after americanising earth, americans should also wish to americanise/monpolise hell too

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