Monday, November 24, 2008

Straying in a Relationship

Years ago, I strayed in my relationship with my husband. At the time, I was unaware as to why I strayed. Through a bit of counseling, some powerful psychotropic drugs, and several heart-to-heart conversations, we started working in the right direction.

When I did not really know I strayed, I could tell my husband was not heading to the divorce lawyer but was thinking about it. He would deny this to this day – but I can tell. I think he was this way for two important reasons:

1. I really did not understand why I went from loyal wife to cheating hussy. And if I didn't understand why I did this, I can't fix this in our relationship. I would not normally use "fix" but I am thinking from his point-of-view.

2. Until he found out, he had not a clue I was cheating. My actions towards him did not change while I was cheating, so I am sure he was unsure if he would pick up such clues if I began straying again.

These two things, more than anything else, really kept us from seeking some sort of closure for my infidelity.

I did do some things right. I owned up to the indiscretion. I listened to him talk about how it made him feel, even though I wanted to interject certain facts in my defense. I got professional help quickly – and as luck would have it, I found a faith-based counselor that really helped me to see things in a way that spoke to me.

Almost a year after my affair was made known to my husband, he strayed. I knew he did from the start – I read him so easily. It took him about a week to fess up after I dropped a hint that his behavior had changed.

In a way, getting over his indiscretion was easier to do. His reason (more of a vengeful, you cheated so I wanted to try it out/hurt you) was simpler to address, and since I knew the signs, he knows he will probably not be able to get away with it if he tries again. He also knows that we are all out of chances. Two strikes, if you will.

I have shared my story to a co-worker who I knew was getting friendly with someone else in the office. I told her, in unglamorous terms, about my own experiences. She cheated anyway. She got caught eventually, and then quit the company. Not sure if she is still married. She did say that she wish she would have listened to me, but things just continued to happen. Yeah, I have been there before.

Not sure why I wrote about this today . . . .

17 comments:

Grant said...

I can't wait to see what your stalker has to say about this. Maybe you should have tossed her a bone by including the phrase "and drank gallons of semen" in there somewhere.

Leesa said...

Grant: hey, just giving ammo to the stalker.

Anonymous said...

I cheated on a my wife 2 years ago. To this day I still do not have a real clue why except I was an idiot and I was horny as all hell the day it happened. Was not calculated, was not planned, just happened, BOOM, right in the middle of the daytime... The sad part is I am not sure if I am really sorry for that I did, I must admit I enjoyed it thorougly and I still think of the other woman quite often, for she was just plain animalistic and it was incredible.

Got to love the human nature vs the animal nature in many of us.

Cheers!

Pyth0s

Anonymous said...

I cheated on a my wife 2 years ago. To this day I still do not have a real clue why except I was an idiot and I was horny as all hell the day it happened. Was not calculated, was not planned, just happened, BOOM, right in the middle of the daytime... The sad part is I am not sure if I am really sorry for that I did, I must admit I enjoyed it thorougly and I still think of the other woman quite often, for she was just plain animalistic and it was incredible.

Got to love the human nature vs the animal nature in many of us.

Cheers!

Pyth0s

Ian Lidster said...

Women, unless they are clueless, can always 'read' a man better than men can read women in this regard, from my experience, and yes I did have experience in this realm a number of years ago.
Truly it is a no-win situation. Someobdy 'must' get hurt by it. Often more than one person.

On an unrelated topic, there is an award for you, my dear, at my latest blog. You don't have to do anthing for it other than accept it. You deserve it.

Knot said...

I think it's good you got it out.

It interesting to see why people cheat. One theory is that one spouse "pushes" the other into the affair. I guess that boils down to someone isn't getting a need filled at home so they look elsewhere.

I guess what's important is that you two have worked through it.

Knot

Advizor said...

Leesa, I have been reading your blog for a couple of years now, and it is always interesting to hear you discuss your infidelity. I think we gain understanding as time goes on. We look back from a different perspective and we understand ourselves, and our spouses better.

A few years ago I let a relationship with a coworker go way beyond where it should have. That sounds like a dodge, a way to avoid using the word "cheated." so I'll admit that I started cheating on my wife just four years after we're married, and one year before the birth of our first child.

Like one of the other posters I feel guilty about not feeling guilty. But I do believe I understand exactly why I cheated. I cheated because it felt fantastic to be wanted, to be desired, to be chased after. While my affair never progressed to sex, the thrill of a new relationship, the sense of being accepted, desirable, and worth the risk, was a powerful aphrodisiac.

I wish I could admit that that was the only time it happened. But it was not. While it was the most intense relationship, I have added other "friendships" to my history. always because I felt, and still feel, I unwelcome at home and unwanted in the bedroom.

Because of the confluence of several factors, none of which involved discovery, I ended up confessing voluntarily to my indiscretions. It shocked me that she had absolutely no idea.

In my own head, my guilty head, I thought it was as obvious as the noonday sun. That was almost 2 years ago. I've been a pretty good boy since then, but not perfect, and she still has no idea.

~Deb said...

"...I owned up to the indiscretion."

Many people go on living a lie and it eventually festers within them or they simply get caught the hard way.

I admire your honesty and the ability to admit to your humanness.

Which........is why I absolutely adore you my friend!

Anonymous said...

Leesa is such an empty, shallow slut that she makes posts to bait me. More therapy is needed.

Deb is around because she likes drama, not that she enjoys Lessa's blog so much.

LarryLilly said...

I cheated on my wife after 27 years of being true blue oddie. It was deliberate, a one weekend thing, a long distance one, so I thought it would be safe. But it was also the outward sign of a marriage ending. Then months later, after a rather disturbing e-mail from “Ami”, the other woman, she told me that she was going to call my wife and spill the beans. Forced by this event to come clean, I rushed home to tell my wife first hand of the affair. Later, when I told Ami that it was over, she said “You did WHAT?” “I would have never done anything like that!” But it was over, and over the next 6 months the Big D was on the road. Two days before our first court hearing; nothing to further discuss, settlement was made, financial arrangements over, home, car, medical insurance provisions etc, she had a weekend bought of breathing problems that got so bad I took her to the hospital. Not three hours later, she died from a pulmonary embolism, a “one breath death” the doctors called it. That was it, one minute she was talking, doctors still checking her over, the next thing, I am being whisked out of the room, blue lights flashing, people coming into the ER room and after about an hour the doctor coming out to tell me that she died in spite of their best efforts.

How it really ended still haunts me to this day.

Yes, telling of affairs, relationships that ended, or ending, is at times cathartic, at times, it is searing, but its always beneficial.

Anonymous said...

Larry killed is wife by being a low life cheater. Sad.

Joe said...

I think many of us have gone down this road at least once and learned that it's simply not worth it. I admire the fact that you owned up to your behavior and that the two of you were able to work through it.

Leesa said...

Pyth0s: Written like a true compartmentalist.

ian: sometimes women don't want to see what they feel in their heart.

knot: a lot of times, it is unmet needs, but sometimes it is something deep within us. We are incomplete.

advizor: one thing I always thought before I told my husband was that I was not guilty about thw whole thing. But I was hiding it . . . and I did/do feel guilty about it.

~deb: thanks, sweetheart. Really. Thanks.

amy/anon: I was not baiting you with this post. Actually, until Grant reminded me of my stalker, I did not even recall that you were making comments. I nearly pulled the post down because I didn't want you to read it, but then I thought, "Screw Amy."

larry: thanks for sharing.

amy/anon: you really are a bitch.

joe: thanks. what would bring me joy is to know I kept someone from saying the same mistake.

citizen of the world said...

Hi, thanks for stopping by my blog. I have come to realize from my work that infidelity is WAY more common than most people realize. And it doesn't occur in a vacuum. Not the best choice, certianly, but life lessons often arise from ill-conceived choices. Sounds like you guys have at least been able to grow from it.

Anonymous said...

Leesa said...
Pyth0s: Written like a true compartmentalist.

Hmmmm... Ouch.

Cheers!

Pyth0s

~Deb said...

If Amy recalls, as long as she has been stalking me, she has known that I've been a loyal reader of yours since 2005. She can check back on the comments if she wishes.

Leesa, I'm all for drama, but more so for your excellent writing above all else.

Amy sadly took a journalism class that she brags about. Apparently it hasn't helped her any.

Leesa said...

citizen: not a problem. I like Ian, and I knew he would be reading good blogs.

Pyth0s: not a knock. Just an observation.

~deb: I don't care if you read because of the drama or the writing. Just keep coming back.