Friday, December 14, 2007

Short Leesa Christmas Letter

Wednesday, I wrote about Christmas (or holiday) letters. The blog entry was a bit snide, but I think it is worth a read if you have the time.

Today I would like to post a letter that I would like to receive.

Dear Family,

It is another year. I am sending this out a little early to tell you that you need to send Jed's presents to the state penetention. They picked him up again. He is completely innocent; he is just a little bit too trusting. He was holding a package for a friend, and it turned out to be marijuana. He told them it was not his, but you know, they did a drug test and he turned out positive. To date, I no longer make my famous poppy seed muffins. It was Jed's undoing and all.

With Jed being taken care of on the government's dime, I have had a lot more time to pursue some of my interests.

My primary interest is in wine-tasting. I have actually been interested in box wines for some time, and although I have my personal favorites (Black Box Wine), I have tried so many of them. The top shelf of my 'fridge is only wine now.

Little Jimmy, poor Jimmy, I have had to displace his milk. At first, he missed his milk. But you know, wine is just old grape juice, right? Jimmy has been doing a bit poorer in school – with his times tables and reading and stuff, but you know, he has less behavioral issues. So I call that a win.

Without supporting Jed's gambling habit, I have been able to put away a few bucks. It has been actually a bit nice. And you know, putting a few dollars in the purse brings more responsibility. I got Jimmy a WII – for educational reasons. Next year we will see if his grades will improve.

Me, I have had several nice men with which to spend time. And on an unrelated issue, I have been buying lots of pretty underwear.

Oh, and remember the box wines. I have started writing a book on the subject. The working title, is "Wine Appreciation Guide: Box Wines and You."



RWA said...

That is classic. I would like to receive a letter like that too.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Oh that was excellent! :)

I wonder if I could use that line " wine is just old grape juice, right?"" when they catch me drinking it at work?? Think they'll go for it? ;)

LarryLilly said...

When my first wife died, in the middle of a divorce I need to add, Oh, stop that, I had NOTHING to do with her quick and permanent demise, she was in a hospital's care at the time, so I have a lock tight alibi. Anyway, it stopped the Brag-O-Grams that her 3 cousins sent every Christmas. They were all republicans working forever at the CIA, FBI and the Pentagon.

Those letters just made me hurl. I mean, DC politics is the entire world for those that live there, to the rest of us, I dont give a big fun'g rats ass care.

~gkw said...

That read's like one of OUR Christmas letters.... Did we send you one last year???

Ian Lidster said...

'Hugz' back to you, dear Leesa. That was hilarious.

Leesa said...

rwa: but these types of letters never come.

stacey: I tried that when I was 15. And it sometimes worked, though I have a few alcoholics in the family tree.

larry: yeah, I imagine your letter may have done something to stop the other letters. I actually have stopped sending letters to some just because of their reactions.

~gkw: actually, this is your letter from last year. Did I not ask for permission to publish it?

ian: thanks, sweetie.