Monday, December 17, 2007

Holiday Parties

I went to my first holiday party on Friday.

When I look at old Christmas movies, holiday parties seemed catered, the boss seems to have a secretary on his lap, and everyone is drinking some type of spirits. That's not really how my holiday parties are – oh, any my parties are in vibrant colors, not black-white-and-grays.

Oh, and I am not bashing black-white-and-grays. They are classic colors, and these colors can move one to tears (It’s A Wonderful Life), one to laughter (The Bishop's Wife), and one to confusion (The Horn Blows at Midnight). Okay, I have never seen The Horn Blows at Midnight, but since it is about big band trumpeter who falls asleep and dreams he is an archangel, sent to destroy earth, I figure it would confuse the heck out of me.

I wanted to say a few things about holiday parties.

Putluck
Most of the holiday parties I am involved in are potluck, which is German for "bring too much damn food." If you think about it, you should just bring as much as food as you can eat, because if everybody brings what they can eat, then there would be no wasted food. Okay, bad suggestion because some people bring unpopular foods. Those people should volunteer to pick up something at a bakery.

Most of the food at a potluck is (1) high fat, (2) contains cheese, and (3) contains mayonnaise. What bothers me is that, at least at my parties, there are no fresh veggies, no other healthy alternatives – not just to snack on, but to cut the fat on the other goodies.

Oh, I also want to just suggest that if something is loaded with calories, it needs to taste wonderful. That means, please leave the partially hydrogenated cookies at home, or at least mark them so I can avoid them. If I am going to have to spend an extra two hours on a Stairmaster®, I want it to be for some wholesome, mouth-watering fat.

Small Talk
You know, I am not really interested in my company's potluck. I mean, I see these people all year long, and I don't want to think of what to say, to engage in small talk.

I sort of enjoy small talk at other people's work. By other people, I mean my husband, but it would be cool to just crash a party. Can you imagine crashing a party with the following?

Leesa: Holy crap, where is my husband. He is gone.

Woman: Who would that be?

Leesa: You know him. He is the only man who is not here.

Woman: Oh, you mean Fred.

Leesa: (thinking to self, poor Fred, you missed the party) Has he screwed you yet? That SOB.

Woman: Fred is sixty-something years old. You can't be forty.

Leesa: And yet we are married.

Woman: Oh, I had no idea.

Leesa: I ask again, has he nailed you yet?

Woman: Pardon?

Leesa: Has he fucked you?

Woman: I think not. I am his boss.

Leesa: That has never stopped him before.

Then I walk off.

You see, I can't make a scene at work. It is frowned on.

11 comments:

Ian Lidster said...

Superlative small talk,darling. You handle it with great elan. Actually, that was priceless.

seattledrizzle said...

In today's business climate, it is difficult to have fun at a Christmas party. If you do something slightly goofy, it might go on your permanent record.

I worked for a company that had a Christmas party every year. Finally they decided the Christmas party was getting to be too expesive (roughly the same time the cafeteria Christmas tree was re-named a holiday tree). Instead they decided to dole out money to departments in the company to be used as they wished. Our department no longer called it a Christmas party. It was instead called a "Team Event."

richmanwisco said...

(4) All of the above.

Leesa said...

ian: thanks, sweetie, but you know, I would never talk like that in public.

seattle: good points.

rich: funny!

Advizor said...

My company throws a wonderful Christmas party; open bar, tons of shrimp, all the sushi you can eat, roast beef, turkey, ham, salads and a killer desert bar. The band is good every year; the food is good every year, because it is the same party every year.

I kid you not; I have been to the exact same party 8 years running. It's starting to feel like Groundhog Day with different dresses each time.

The buffet layout it the same, the ice carving in the middle is the same (a swan), the desert bar is the same, and the poor band just gets mocked because we've heard all their songs, all their jokes, and danced to every one.

The only thing different this year is that they gave out i-Pod nano's instead of crystal dishes as the parting gift, and wouldn't you know it, this was the first year I missed the party. Damn.

~Deb said...

You gotta be kidding Leesa-----potluck parties were invented for lesbians. Hrmm. ;)

I agree with you though- if someone is bringing in something that is fattening, yet tasteless, they should be banned for life!

lilac thief said...

pssst. you're still here!! fantastic. I'm attempting to come back. http://dissonancerising.blogspot.com/

I'm so glad you have stuck around.

-Ell aka the Lilac Thief.

Prata said...

I should so screw my boss, but I don't have a female boss so this doesn't work out well for me in the end. That sucks. =-(

Deb said...

Popping in to wish you a MErry and a Happy.

Leesa said...

advizor: an i-Pod nano? Wow!

~deb: potluck parties invented for lesbians? Er, I will never view an invitation to a potluck party in the same light again.

lilac thief: you were my second or third read when I started. Wow.

prata: funny!

deb: Merry Christmas!

RWA said...

What a great idea for a new movie..."Party Crashers," starring Leesa.

"Has he fucked you yet?"

"That has never stopped him before."


Hilarious.