Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Christmas Letters

It’s that time of year again, and I received my first Christmas letter today.

Yeah, Ho Ho Ho.

I am not a big fan of Christmas letters. Okay, the idea is nice. People who love you enough to send out a card also send information also send a Christmas letter, and if it is a well-written letter, everything is wonderful. But not many letters are well-written. By well-written, I am not talking about grammar, spelling, subject-verb agreement. I speak to content.

The typical letter I get from those who love me is filled with their yearly accomplishments. "Hey, we had a good year – bought me and my wife matching Lexuses." The first thing that pisses me off is that people should not be rich enough to ever need to pluralize the word "Lexus." Class envy aside, I really need to know that it was a really good year financially for someone.

Only slightly less annoyingly, are the letters that tout the kids. I love, kids, I really do. And I think kids do great just learning how to read, write, and deal with irrational numbers. But either the authors of these Christmas letters are exaggerating their accomplishments, or my relatives and friends' children are going to cure Cancer, the Riemann hypothesis, and discover that there was a second gunman behind the grassy knoll. Oh, and I know these kids. Yeah, they consume oxygen like the rest of us and convert it to carbon dioxide. That does not make them a chemistry wiz.

Next are the letters that laud other accomplishments. I am not going to put an award won at work on my resume' and you probably should not include it on your Christmas letter. Well, if you have won a Nobel Prize, don't brag about the prize. Just mention that you took a trip to Stockholm this year, posed for some pictures for a local event, and went next door to the Netherlands to hook up with a bunch of prostitutes (window shopping) and visiting the pot bars. That would be both entertaining, and informative (and we already know you won the Nobel Prize anyway).

Oh, then there are the wonderful Baptists that send their Christmas letters. Sorry, I know lots of good Baptists outside of my family. There is one, in particular, who think that all Catholic priests are pedophiles, and that I cannot go to heaven because I am not following in Christ's path (simply because I am Catholic). Their letters talk about all of their charity work, reminding us to tithe to a local Baptist church. Funny thing is that the father is racist, and I cannot reconcile racism with Christianity. The Baptist Letter, as it is known in my household, is special each year. We circle the misspellings and comma faults. Anything over twelve and we celebrate. We have gone out because of the letter three years running.

Next is the letter that explains how to have a more "Christ-ful" Christmas. It is along the same lines as the previous letter, though these two families don't automatically condemn one to hell because of their particular brand of Christianity they practice. How Christian of them. I have tried quantifying the contents of these letters, seeing if they are less boastful, more meek, but I just can't figure out how to do it.

Perhaps one of their brilliant children can come up with an expression to do this. It would surely make my Christmas a merrier one.


Grant said...

I think it would be fun to write them all back in the true spirit of the season. Remember, the holiday icon is a guy dressed in red whose name is Claws (okay, so people misspell it, you've already shown Xtians aren't always English professors), who reinforces greed and materialism, and whose first name is an acronym of “Satan”. Is there any doubt who really owns this holiday. Ho ho ho mwa ha ha haaaah suckers! >:)

But have a happy Hannukwanzaaramadamasux anyway.

~Deb said...

See, I�m a total bastard when it comes to these types of things: bragging about wealth, success, children and boasting about religion as if it was the only one out there.

It�s called pride. They literally shove everything in your face, either to show off or to simply elaborate for things they truly don�t have. (Or make up for other voids in their lives.)

Next time---just write on their envelopes, �RETURN TO SENDER�!

Prata said...

We don't actually create carbon dioxide from oxygen...just as a side note.

You exhale carbon dioxide because of the break down of energy in your tissues. As those sugars break down in your body (which do require oxygen to function) to release energy for your cells and higher level tissues such as muscle and what not, your body carries CO2 through the blood stream. Because of your blood's affinity for Oxygen being higher than for carbon dioxide, oxygen enters the blood as carbon dioxide diffuses back into the lung.

In case you cared. ^_^