Jobs I Want #3: Futurist

Okay, a long time ago, I wrote about jobs that I want:

Jobs I Want #1: Replay Official
Jobs I Want #2: Substitute Granny

Okay, a long time ago was in January and February, but to a fly, we are talking generations.

I want to be a futurist. This is an actual profession. They have societies, blogs, the whole nine yards. I have linked to a blog, but I have not read it. I don't want to steal from an actual futurist, plus I have a preconception of futurists that I don't want changed. You know, jobs look so good when you don't really know about them.

When I was in sixth grade, we talked about the future. It was in a textbook, and here is what I remember:

1. Because of technology, most work weeks will be four days in 20 years, three days perhaps thereafter.
2. We will receive most of our food from the sea by the year 2000. By most food, I remember a picture of farmers diving for kelp.
3. We will have underground cities because of the limited space above ground.
4. We will have several manned space stations that will be performing many science experiments. Not just "space" experiments, but more dangerous experiments.
5. Our pinkies will get smaller because we don't use them when typing, and most of us will be typing all day.

I don't know about you, but looking at this list, I would say that the futurist that had an impact on the state textbook is 0 for 5. And I will have to admit, part of the allure for this profession is that you are considered a success if you are right only occasionally.

Judging from people I know, I cannot imagine that we will ever be as good as people are in the Star Trek series. Okay, for those of you who want to debate Star Trek, please don't. I am not a trekkie or trekker, and I don't even know the difference. What I do know is that if you know Klingon or have a Star Trek suit and know what your rank is, it will adversely affect your ability to breed. That's all I am going to say on Star Trek fans. But for the series, I don't see a lot of greed. It is not like people are hording money or anything. And, sorry, I can't imagine going from what we are now to a society where money seems to not have much of a place. If that were the case, I just don't know how things would be.

Anyway, that is sort of the benefit of being a futurist – predicting the future. People pay you money, and they can't tell if you are any good for twenty to fifty years, depending on when your predictions are going to come true. Can you imagine having your next performance appraisal twenty years from now?

Okay, I know, as a futurist, you probably need to be entertaining. That is part of it, perhaps a large part of it, but that's not the part on which I am focusing my attention. From what I have read, many people did not know that plastics were going to be big, real big. And from a social perspective, if anyone said that VCRs were going to help the movie industry, people would have thought they were crazy. I can remember reports that the VCR was going to be the downfall of good movies. Why else would anyone go to the theaters? They must have forgot about other possible revenue streams.

My point is this – it would be way cool to just think up stuff all day, and bill whoever for your random thoughts. Because in the grand scheme of things, my random thoughts and someone else's random thought have about the same chance of being correct. And you are depositing paychecks for years before anyone is the wiser.

Jobs I want: #2 Substitute Grandmother

You know, I was thinking the other day – and yes, my writer's block is slowly going away; thanks for asking. Yeah, being a replay official would be a great job. But there can't be more than 16 or so of those jobs available at any one time. One thing I was wondering about that job, too, is if you call in sick on a Sunday, do you still get paid for the week? I mean, you worked the other days.

Okay, so I need a backup plan. I mean, I might not get to be a replay official. Second option – a substitute grandmother.

Who would need a substitute grandmother? My contention is lots of people would need such services. Let's face it, we are a mobile society. Oh, except for those in Canada. We move around a lot, and lots of people move away from their relatives – with the idea in the back of their minds, "you can pick your friends but not your relatives." We have all heard that phase at one time or another – and we also act as if you can choose your address but not your relatives.

Now I am not suggesting that your mothers and fathers are bad people. But let's face it, the requirements for being parents have nothing to do with compassion, being fun, being interesting or being likable – they have to do with gametes, one each please. [For those in the Bible belt, gametes are the birds and the bees.] Sorry for being so graphic; not lady-like, I know.

So if you don't like your parents or don't live close to them, perhaps you need a grandparent around some of the time. That's where I come in! For less than the price of a plane ticket, I will come to your house or you to mine, and I will entertain your kiddos. And, here is the best part – I won't give you advice on being better parents for two reasons: (1) I have no experience being a parent myself (think about it, when is the last time you have told a police officer how to do his job?), and (2) my commitment to you ends when your check clears the bank.

You will not hear any "why don't you call me anymore" or "I would not have tolerated that behavior from you" type of comment from me. I get to play with your kids and charge you for the pleasure.

And I could have certain packages available:

Crabby Grandma
Perhaps you want your kids to know how good they really have it. For a little more cash, I will complain about when I was a little girl, in 1920, tracking 5 miles to school. I know, I know, I don't have grey hair. I will buy a wig. I wonder if there is grey hair color available. Can you imagine going to the salon and saying, "I'd like to do a little something different with my hair. Can you dye it grey?" I'd have a camera ready to capture the stylists facial expression. That would be a great candid camera moment!

Present Grandma
If you want your children to have good memories of grandma giving them stuff, I will have hard candies in my house. Aged well, mind you. And I will give them nice shiny quarters. When they look disappointed, I will ask, "Doesn't a quarter buy a movie ticket, a bag of popcorn and a drink?"

Drunk Grandma
For special occasions – Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years and the like – you can buy my services in a "toasted" variety. Everyone has memories of drunk grandma. Now, it is not fun to see all of the time, but once in a while, it is a hoot. Years from now, you can recall when grandma was so drunk she came out of the bathroom with a long piece of toilet paper trailing her every move. Or how she kissed the dog because she thought it was a grandchild (that would be an extra charge).

You know, I can see myself franchising this idea. I would, however, be very selective in who would get a franchise in their geographic location. Oh, franchise fees. Now that is something to orgasm over.

Career Change

Okay, I am not your biggest sports fan, I will admit that. But if I could have any career right now (within reason – the job of Princess is generally open to people who are related to the Queen; talk about nepotism), I think I would be an NFL offical. And not just any official, the instant replay official.

Okay, I know what you are thinking – the uniforms are cute, but a blond would look better in that uniform. Well, to that, I say that NFL officials make some serious money, and I would dye my hair for that kind of dough.

The hurdles:

Competency. Sure, rain on my parade. I don't know a lot about football. But I am talking "Replay Official." Two weekends ago, the replay official botched 7 calls. Please don't check the facts on this – trust me, after all I own a whistle and a black cap. And I will throw a flag for Interference of you disagree – and may even throw your butt out of the game. See, an official's mentality. But seriously, were I an official, I would have a portable radio that gets the TV spectrum as well. Then I would listen to the game, and just make the call that the announcers say is so obvious. They would be my unpaid and unrecognized analysts. I would not have to know rules, just choose between a couple of choices.

Sexual Discrimination. I don't think that the pros have a female official. And I don't think it has anything to do with competence – I think the NFL would think the official would be tempted to pose in Playboy and embarrass the league. That is the real issue. I would tell the NFL commissioner that I don't plan on doing that at all – I would not want to jeopardize my six figure per year salary for a one time check.

Well, that is all the hurdles I can think of, partly because I just want the job so badly.

And now the arguments to "seal the deal." The NFL doesn't care how the games are officiated – they just don't want to be embarrassed. And if I am listening to the commentary, they tell you which of the two possible outcomes is considered a bonehead outcome. I just have to choose the outcome that is not bonehead. I can do that. If all of the replay calls were handled by popular opinion, I am sure the NLF commissioner would be happier.

Plus, all I would need is to be physically presentable – and have facial expressions that show I am weighing all of the options. I can easily disguise the earpiece; it will look like I am in constant communication with the head official.

And I could care less who wins any of the games. My favorite team is only my favorite because of the state in which I live. I am not a die-hard anything fan. The only prep-work I would need is a chart, showing me which team wore which jerseys. And I would not really even know that, as the officials don't get to talk with the press after the game. I just have to repeat what I hear in my ear.

So if you hear about any openings, please let me know. I already have my whistle.