Allocated Sexual Benefit Tax

Dateline Athens, Georgia. We are outside the Kappa Alpha¹ fraternity house. Federal agents from the Internal Revenue Service stormed the frat house early this morning, and have started exiting the building with what we assume to be fraternity members in handcuffs. Their crime: not reporting allocated sexual benefits.

Late last year, a Federal judge ruled that the IRS interpreted tax rules correctly by allocating benefits associated with sexual relations. For years, certain employers must allocate tips if the percentage of tips reported by employees falls below a required minimum percentage of gross sales. It is called Allocated Tips, and the IRS ensures that employees should report this income on their tax returns.

In a bold move, the IRS began to assert that unmarried people who engage in sexual relations derive a quantifiable benefit from the other person (and to the IRS, a quantifiable benefit seems like a taxable event). National Organization for Women (NOW) Executive Vice President Olga Vives successfully argued successfully that women do not derive any benefit from heterosexual sex, a believe that NOW has asserted for years. ² To that end, women have been exempted from the new Allocated Sexual Benefit tax, though the IRS has appealed this ruling.

The IRS issued statements that it would target certain groups, believed to derive more benefit than other groups. College aged students, University professors, and Hugh Hefner seemed to be part of the initial targeted audits.

The IRS also is investigating the possibility of assigning Sexual Favor income to women who have sexual relations with dates before the sixth date. And if sexual favors are not reported on SF Form 110, then as a penalty, the price of the meal cannot be deducted from said income. Many women argue that inane chatter should be taken into consideration, akin to assigning hazardous duty pay, a form of non-taxable income. A final determination on this point is forthcoming.

The IRS was unavailable for comment. They were putting together a plan to put the squeeze on lemonade stands and car washes. Cha-ching.

---

¹ I really don't know if there is such a fraternity. I was just using KA because it means "kick ass." I suspect with all of the fraternity/sorority alphabet soup, there may be a KA. My guess is that the fraternity is full of nice wholesome guys who would wait to have sex until they were married.

² I do not share NOW's view on women deriving no sexual benefit from sex, but if it means paying more money on taxes, I will go along with their arguments.