Creative Voting Practices

I voted recently – I mail my vote in because, well, it is so much easier for me. When I started voting, I am not sure there were absentee ballots, and if they did have them, I did not know about them. I used to like voting on the actual day of voting, but it lost its luster.

And if you think about it, voting takes a lot of energy to pick the best candidate that reflects what you want him or her to do in Washington (or in the state or locally).

I am going to describe a voting decision tree – the type of tree that, if you don't have a favorite candidate, might help you out! I can write this out in diagram, but, alas, I can't scan it into my computer. Darned it.

Okay, a decision tree basically guides you to an answer by answering simple questions. Without further ado, let us begin.

1. Have you ever slept with the candidate? If the answer is yes, voter for the candidate. Reasoning: if you have bedded a public official, you may have "pull" because you have already pulled parts of their anatomy. I mean, you may be able to sleep with the person in the future – if you were good in bed. Or you may be able to blackmail – if you have pictures. The possibilities, while not endless, are interesting. So this trumps all. If the answer is no, go to 2.

2. Is the candidate dead? If yes, vote for the candidate. He/she will not lie to you, and that is worth your vote. Also, having a dead candidate win over a live candidate is funny as hell, and you ought to have some fun while voting. Plus it gives material for David Letterman. If the answer is no, go to 3.

3. Is the candidate an actor? If yes, vote for the candidate. Notice that I am not asking about Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, or from the Green Party. The reason for this is that candidates make good news. They put themselves in the public eye, more so than normal candidates. I don't know if Schwarzenegger is good or bad for California, but he gives one heck of a sound bite. I mean Jay Leno knows that the Terminator brings eyeballs to the show, even if Angelides didn't get the same air time (he has not been scheduled but probably will appear because of FCC rules). If the answer is no, go to 4.

4. Is the candidate a lesbian? If yes, vote for the candidate. Now this part if for the guys. Think about it – if you ask your wife for a threesome, and she is reticent, perhaps doing it with a candidate would push her over the edge. Now, you know I have not cheated on hubbie in a long while, but I think I would screw with the President of the United States. Not proud of it, but if he wanted me, I would not pass that up. I was upset with President Clinton for Monica and the blue dress, but after thinking about it, I was never that upset with the act itself. Upset with the cover-up for sure, with the whole "depends on the definition of is." But the actual sex – he probably got offers every day. I would not offer myself up, but if asked, "hell yes" would have been my reply. But I wouldn't just have sex with a mayor or even governor. Well, maybe California's current "gov". Just kidding. Sort of. If the answer is no, go to 5.

5. Has the candidate a past that seems entertaining? If yes, vote for the candidate. I mean, if during the campaign, there are pictures of the wife in lingerie that surface (or of the daughter on myspace), the brother is a colorful boozer, the wife is a ditz, whatever seems entertaining. Again, think entertainment more than governance. If the answer is no, go to 6.

6. Is the candidate handsome/pretty but the family not-so-much. If the answer is yes, vote for the candidate. Face it, after they are in office and are screwing things up, at least you will see unflattering photos of the family and can console yourself that they go home to them at night and you can pretend that they have personalities that match their looks. If the answer is no, go to 7.

7. If all of these filters do not lead to a "yes" vote, vote against the incumbent. The incumbent has several advantages in winning a race (name recognition, franking laws, using government assets/opportunities to place your name in front of voters). Vote against the incumbent; give the challenger a better chance.

Now go and vote. I actually use number 7 exclusively (when I know little about a candidate, and sometimes when I know more). My vote against the system.